no good

its no good. i wish i could sleep. iw ish i could sleep. just want tonight over with. so much pain why dont i explode. havent been as bad as this for a while. already thrown up. cant bear another night staring at the ceiling. cant stop the tears. i cant bear any of it. just want it all to go away. feel like im going mad. anyone else could cope with this. why cant i. i would never have believed i would be so weak, so pathetic. i deserve your contempt. am i relying on this blog to much. am i gettingg addicted to the temporary relief it brings. am i using it to revel in my suffering. i dont think i am. i dont believe i am. just typing helps ease the pain, even if its just for a little while. trouble is i know ill have to stop eventually and go back to staring into the dark. im so sorry for writing this. maybe i should have kept this all secret after all. that was the original plan. is it a mistake to let others see this crap? probably. but its done now. maybe its the cry for help here thats stop me making a cry for help suicide attempt. did you know twice as many women as men attempt suicide. did you know that 4 times as many men than women succeed in that attempt. this morning i was feeling ok. then suddenly i was imagining myself slashing my wrists. no idea where the thought came from but the days gone downhill from there. yesterday morning actually. look at the state of this gibberish. unreadable. just as well. am i really getting better or am i just getting better at hiding what im going through.

ok a little calmer now. emptying that lot out has helped. even if its just for a little while. just about ready to go back to the endless night now. probably blog again in a little while when it gets too much for me again