It's very strange to think that I have friends who actually seem, not only to tolerate me, but actually like me a little. I know what a useless waste of space I am, how difficult I am to talk to, so why on earth are they willing to spend time with me?
I know that's largely the illness talking. The rational part of my brain can even see that I have qualities that might endear me to others. Unfortunately the rational part of my brain is not getting a lot of say lately.
I try not to take it personally when I ring someone and there's no answer, but it still feels like I'm deliberately being ignored. My rational brain can scream all it wants that there might be no one home, or people might be on the loo, or unable to answer for loads of reasons, but I still feel hopelessly rejected whenever it happens. I envisage people seeing my number come up on their phones and thinking "Not again! Sod it, I really don't need this". If anyone does truly feel like that just let me know and I'll leave you alone.
Bank holiday Monday tomorrow. People are going to be out doing stuff. Really don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I wish I could get interested in something, anything, that would help me pass the time. But depression has taken everything away from me. Everything. I have a horrible feeling that this week will turn out to be the toughest one to get through yet.
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