here we are again

in bits. these long night are so hard, so painful. so tired. so very very tired.

counselling later today. i dont want to go. i dont know why. im not scared at the thought of it i dont think. its probably just another way of punishing myself. i have to go though. i have to.

if i was smarter i could make my thoughts into something coherent. i could make people understand with some clever phrasing. instead i just put down some meaningless rambling.

sitting here shaking, rocking backward and forward. dont know what to do with myself. all i seem to do is turn out self pity here. i wish i could be witty for you, wish i could give you deep insights into the nature of depression. all i can tell you is that i wish i was dead. people say that death isnt an answer. but anything is better than feeling like this for years to come. I envy the people who are strong enough to keep going feeling this way. part of me wishes i had that strength to carry on. part of me is glad i dont.