so thats my nights sleep all done. nearlt 2 hours. thats not bad. nothing to do now but stare at the ceiling all night. i hate being me. it really is shite. can already feel the shakes setting in. Doug is picking me up at 9. just have to keep occupied for the next 8 hours.
im so tired. utterly worn out. would be so nice to be able to sleep. i miss sleeping so much. not just to get through the night. i never feel recharged anymore. just feel like an empty battery thats expected to miraculously keep producing electricity. dont know if i have any miracle juice left. supposed to dispose of batteries sensibly. i need to find a sensible way of disposing of myself. something painless and risk free that does no harm to the environment. thinking green right past the end.
i wish i could be more calculating about things. ideally before i go i could take out a huge loan and help out all my friends with it. but im too big a coward. when i do it it'll be quick and spontaneous. i certainly wont be making blog entries about it. suicide is supposed to be a cry for help. but this blog is largely one big cry for help i suppose. so why do i still want to die so badly? it really is all just too hard. too painful. sorry. stop now.
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