Friday, 16 May 2008
My Best Shot
Well I've given it my best shot today. Been around to friends, went for a little walk. And all the time I've been hanging on by a thread. Now I've had to come home before the thread snapped. Now I can just let go. Don't know if it's the right thing to do but I can't let anyone else see me like this. Nothing else I can do.
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I don't think bottling things up is the answer, so just 'letting go' as you put it, and having a good cry is probably the way to go.
You don't have the phrase "big boys don't cry" rattling around in your head, do you? You do know that's bollocks, don't you? Everone needs a release of their pent up anger and frustration, and there's nothing wrong with doing it in the sanctity of your own home.
It may sound strange (well, from here it does as I'm composing it in my head) but I really enjoy a good cry from time to time. It's most likely to happen after watching a movie with characters I identify with (usually involving unrequited love... but that's my own cross to bear). Watching a movie and putting myself in another character's shoes allows me to feel someone else's joy and sorry for a while. It gives me a break from myself.
Having a good blub allows me to, um... enjoy feeling bad for myself... like some kind of strange reward... as if I've given myself permission to put my hands in the air and say "that's it, I give up, I can't cope". It's cleansing somehow, and a short while of gazing through the tears and snot allows me to cry the emotion out, and once I've done that, I begin to feel better.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but something you wrote a couple of posts ago... "I wish I could be stronger" makes me think that you think you shouldn't be 'letting go' all the time. I'm worried that you think that 'hanging on' is more important, or, what is expected of you. I suspect that the more you try to hang on (or, bottle it up), the worse it will get because you'll be frustrated at constantly breaking down.
Like I say, I may be well wide of the mark... Does any of it make any sense?
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