If I'd been at home this weekend I think it's fair to say I would've been blogging a hell of a lot more. I really am at my wits end trying to deal with this. For the record, yes my mother does now know how bad things are for me. I even brought her a book along to help her understand. But in the end there's nothing she can do to help. The only people that can understand are people that have been through it.
The people that can help me I feel like I'm losing. I suppose I've been too needy. Hell, there's no suppose about it. I know I've been too needy. I've been a pain in the arse to anyone who would put up with me. People have shown me incredible kindness, but I guess I've pushed it too far. But ultimately, when it's 3 o'clock in the morning and I want to die, there is no one there I can turn to. I know people have said that I can call them whatever the time. But they have their own lives and their own problems.
In the end I'll have to do this alone. As I always have with everything else.
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Well... put it like that, yes you are alone. We are all alone, even the married ones with families, partners or are co-joined twins. Ultimately only you can experience and know what it is that you feel.
I hate to sound oh so very wishy washy and unscientific, but you have to have a bit of faith. Not the happy clappy God-is-great & everything-will-be-alright-in-the-end-in-the-best-of-all-possible-worlds sort of faith, but a belief that you will get better one day and that you can (and still do) connect with people.
And yes people will get tired sometimes and you might push things too far from time to time. But they aren't tired ALL the time and they WILL support you when they can.
And I'm sure if you really do need to talk to one of us at 3 a.m. we will pick up the phone and listen, because we trust in your judgement not to make trivial calls and generally take the piss.
So, have a little faith and give us a ring sometime. Capisce?
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