Married

Yep, you read that right, I'm getting married. I seriously never believed that anyone could put up with me for more than a few months at a time, but somehow here I am looking at spending the rest of my life with someone. Or at least for as long as she can stand me anyway.

Sleep

I've noticed that recently I'm beginning to sleep less and less. Either I can't nod off when I go to bed, or I wake at stupid a.m., or both. Not feeling so great today which is probably why I'm blogging right now. Feeling really negative about things and I have no idea what's caused it.

Upset

One of my best friends may be moving away from the area. Might not sound much of a big deal but it's someone I relied heavily on after my breakdown and the thought of not having him around is both upsetting and scary.

It's focused my mind on a couple of other people who I seem to have drifted away from in recent months. They too were complete stars during the worst time of my life but somehow I've allowed them to become almost strangers. Partly this is because I know they needed some space from me, and partly because I do kind of feel embarrassed about just how badly I fell apart back then.

The problem is that I'm completely socially incompetent. Almost bordering on Asbergers in fact. As a result I'm finding it very difficult to know how to go about talking to them about it. I've tried to arrange stuff with them but somehow it doesn't seem to happen and I don't want to push them in case they simply don't want me around anymore. For the first time in a while I'm wishing that people were still reading this because I coulod really use some advice about the situation.

Back Again

Yeah I'm still here. Until just a few days ago it was a close run thing though. But, bizarre as it seems, I now have someone who relies on me as much as I do her. Hard as it is for me to understand, I know it would probably destroy her if anything did happen to me. Frankly I'm mystified by what she sees in me. I'm a middle aged (that's being generous to myself), broken wreck of a man that's no use to anyone.

Hmm, didn't mean to start with this self pitying malarkey. I did intend to fill in a little of what's been happening over the last few weeks. But now it all seems like too much effort. I will end with some good news though, and special praise for our landlord. When it looked like we would have to move for financial reasons, the landlord asked us how much we'd like him to drop the rent to! Not having to move again has lifted a big weight from my shoulders. Thank you Mr Landlord, my faith in humanity is restored.

Lost

We lost the baby. Happened a couple of weeks ago. Coming to terms with it now. Money worries are biting. I feel like shit and it's making me physically ill again.

Paperwork

I sometimes feel that Death slipped up on the paperwork and I got missed a few years ago. Things were never quite the same for me after I had the fit that caused the car accident. It often seems to me that I was supposed to have died that day (bizarrely I just typed 'die' instead of 'day'). I'm so lethargic most of the time. It's so hard to summon up enthusiasm for anything. Maybe I'm just marking time until Death catches his mistake and comes to make amends.

Pregnant

I guess the title says it all. Providing all goes well, around mid February next year, I will be a father for the first time. I'll be 46 years old, an age where most of the people I went to school with are becoming grandparents. Ah well, just when you think life is over, another adventure comes along...

Yesterday

Couple of days ago I was brought down to Earth with a crash after going through our finances. Nothing desperately bad, it was just a wake up call to realise how tight things really are for us. But, after several days of feeling normal, it was enough of a bump to plunge me back into black despair. Ended up spending most of yesterday in bed lacking the energy to function on any level.

Then in the evening, I threw a few clothes on and went walking in the rain. Somehow it did the trick. Why getting soaked to my skin (it was raining VERY heavily) should lift my mood the way it did, I really don't know. I've often found walking a help when I'm down. Today I've walked over 6 miles without any real problems. I do seem to be getting some level of fitness back and that can only be a good thing.

Back

Not much been happening lately. Been up and down a bit. Just got back from a few days away in Wales. I love the place and to be able to share it with someone else is great. That'll do for now.

North

Heading North for a couple of days. Let's hope the weather stays fine. First time I've been away really since the depression and I'm concerned about how well I'll cope if I take a turn for the worse. Taking the sleeping tabs just in case.

Better

Better day today. Been out on the bike in the sun and enjoyed it. Now to stick a pizza in the oven and watch the cup final. And, of course, as a typical Brit, I'm backing the underdog. For the next few hours I'm an Everton fan.

Dunno

Dunno what's happened today. Feeling worse than I have in quite a while. Tried to make myself leave the house earlier and reduced myself to a quivering wreck. All I want to do right now is lie down and cry myself to sleep. It's so hard. I promised my partner I wouldn't stay in today but now I don't know how to keep that promise.

Rotten

Rotten day today. No doubt about it, since I stopped my meds the headaches have been getting worse and more frequent. Seems I have a choice between being suicidally depressed or the feeling that my brain is about to explode. Bugger.

Tired

Thanks to the stupid police copter deciding to spend half the night seemingly hovering directly over our house, I have had very little sleep again. Once upon a time I would have slept right through it. These days, even when I do sleep, it doesn't seem to be as deep and refreshing as it used to be and is easily disturbed. Whinge over.

Alone

Just lately I've been sliding back to feeling more and more alone during the day. Not sure why this should be so. After all, I have wonderful, loving company every evening; I should be able to cope on my own for a few hours.

I think a lot of it comes down to me turning in on myself again. As the old Ant reasserts himself so does that complete inability to ask for help when I need it. I'll have to watch that very carefully.

Unfortunately...

...some days I still feel like killing myself.

More Bastards

Last week we had someone attempt to break into the garage. Last night there was an attempt to steal my motorcycle. I've had a couple of motorcycles stolen in the past and it never really bothered me. Hell, I once got burgled and it was nothing but a minor inconvenience. But that was before my breakdown.

Nowadays the slightest thing knocks me down. Last nights little episode has really taken the wind out of my sails. I'm not functioning at all. Even switching the laptop on to write this was almost too much effort. It's pathetic that I can't cope with this trivial stuff anymore.

Colour

GREEN

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Bastards

Some bastard has tried to break into our garage. Didn't even manage to get in, just buggered up the door. Bastards.

Sleepless In Sutton

Nothing much to say here. Glad these nights are so much less frequent than they used to be. Would take a sleeping pill but I doubt it'd help tonight. Just need to kill time and keep my mind off things.

People

I used to find it difficult to talk to people. Especially to ask for help. Then I had a complete breakdown. Following that it felt like all my walls were demolished. I felt raw and exposed. But it also left me with nothing to lose and, for the first time in my life, I really opened up to people. And I found that I liked it.

As I've crawled along the slow road to recovery, those walls have gone back up. I find it difficult to talk to people again. Even the people that I leaned on most heavily. And I hate it. I want to get that feeling back, without the desperation and suicidal tendencies obviously. But I just don't know where it's gone. I'd hate to think that in order to recover I've got to return to the way I used to be. Because I really never liked that person much.

Relief

Had a good few days so not much to say here at the moment. Been managing to find easy things to keep myself occupied with and now I'm going to put my feet up and relax for the rest of the day.

Bad Day At Alum Rock

Misleading title but it amused me. I did have t journey down to Alum Rock today but the damage was done by a trip into Erdington to pick up a form. I'm finding large numbers of people harder and harder to be around. Some days I can't make myself leave the house. I've never liked crowded places but used to be able to cope. Nowadays I just crumble. Pathetic.

Difficult

I often find it very difficult to write things that I really would like to here. I'm not particularly erudite or intelligent, and I have terrible communication skills. All of which makes it difficult for me to write what I would like in an intelligible, cohesive manner.

When I just needed the site to scream about what I was going through it wasn't a problem, I just let the pain out. Probably didn't read too well back then but it certainly helped me.

Now that the desire to just throw myself under a bus has faded significantly, I often find that I'd like to talk more about the details of depression. The problem is that I lack the skills to communicate the things in my head to others. Even if I can organise my thoughts beforehand, as soon as I begin writing it all turns into a jumble. I read other blogs with envy. Some people have a knack of making the most tedious trivia seem interesting.

So, basically, I guess this entry is a long, rambling apology for making long, rambling posts. Sorry folks.

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Books

Still in the process of moving stuff from West Brom at the moment. I knew I had a lot of books, but it wasn't until I began boxing them up that I began to understand just how many there were. I've had to be brutal and sling half in the direction of the local charity shop but even so I have no idea how I'm going to store what I want to keep.

Nightmare

Had a nightmare earlier. Can't recall the details but the panicked awaking I had got the adrenaline pumping and I couldn't get back to sleep. Hopefully I wont be up too long.

Stuck

The move went well. Now living in a decent 3 bedroom semi in Sutton Coldfield. Still loads to do but hopefully we're slowly getting on top of it all.

Somehow I've become stuck in the house today. I mean seriously unable to go out. Felt pretty down but just made myself some cheese on toast and feeling a bit better now. Really going to try and force myself out now. Wish me luck.

Strain

Getting hard to cope. Headaches getting worse. Feeling lousy. We move on Friday. So much to do. Maybe if I didn't feel so ill I could cope better but as it is I want to hide under a rock. Keep worrying about the van we've hired for the move. I just can't see how it can be big enough to get everything in. Keep worrying about everything really. Once upon a time I would have dealt with this all without a problem. Now it feels as if the world is collapsing around my ears.

Stress

Been a hectic weekend house hunting. Fortunately we seem to have found a decent place in Sutton Coldfield. Move date is set for the 27th, providing the last piece of the puzzle falls neatly into place (and there's no reason why it shouldn't).

Financially things are going to be ridiculously tight for a while. But I can cheerfully exist on a diet of beans on toast so I think we'll manage. The stress of it all is taking it's toll on both of us but we're coping. I'll be glad when it's all over and done with.

Oddly enough there's something a little scary about moving back to the West Midlands. I think that maybe being up here has felt a little like an escape from my problems, and now I'm moving back into the thick of things again. At least I'll have my friends around though and that's something I am looking forward to.

Lazy? Me?

Wasn't sure how I felt when I got up this morning. But quickly got to grips with the day. The sun was shining which always helps. So from somewhere I found some motivation and got round to cleaning the bike. I'm pretty shocked by how much damage the winter road salt has done to it. Also I'm angry with myself for letting it get so bad.

But regardless, after a quick wash the urge was upon me to take it for a spin. So i did. And now for a lazy day playing Footy Manager I think.

Getting Hectic

Spent this morning phoning estate agents. Lined up a few properties to look at over the weekend. Saturday is going to involve a hell of a lot of running around though.

Saw Watchmen yesterday. Must be confusing to anyone who never read the graphic novel (comic) but I was very impressed. About as good an adaptation as they could have made I reckon.

Understanding

For the sake of my family I've been pretending that my depression has more or less passed. I can only pull this off because it's what they want to believe. The problem now is that they're beginning to put me under pressure to get back to work. I absolutely cannot deal with this. I feel badly enough about not bringing any money in and this added family pressure just makes me crumble. I am nowhere near capable of dealing with the kind of stress that goes with a job.

While I don't expect anyone that's never experienced depression to be able to understand it, I do wish I could get a little more patience from people. I'll be back at work when I know I can cope and not before. I wish I could understand why certain people won't accept that for an answer.

Who Watches...?

Finally going to see Watchmen this afternoon. Yes I realise that everyone else has already seen it, but so what. Been waiting years for this movie and nothing is going to spoil the occasion for me, even if I'm not getting to see it at the Imax as originally planned.

Feeling pretty good at the moment, especially as Panama by Van Halen just came on the radio. Time to go do my chores I think.

stressful

Stressful day today. The buyers for the house came around for another look. We'd had a leak in the bathroom a few days back and the repairs have left the the living room ceiling looking a little... untidy shall we say. Fortunately they didn't seem too bothered.

The time frame for the move is the end of this month and, for the first time, I'm starting to feel the stress of it getting to me. Just gonna switch off for the rest of the day I think and do nothing. Not that I do much anyway. Really hoping that this doesn't get worse.

Sleepless But Coping

The insomnia issue I was having has largely gone away. I still have the occasional problem though. Like tonight, for example. 4am and my brain will not switch off. But at least it's just an inconvenience now rather than driving me insane as it used to.

The planned move back down to the West Midlands is still going ahead. Looking for a place around Birmingham and, although it is quite stressful, the adventure of it is helping to stop me going under. If things keep going as well as they are I may even get back to work this year. We'll see.

Blowing Away The Cobwebs

Err...hi again.

Been a while but I thought I'd just drop by. In many ways it must be a good thing that I've not needed this blog. On the other hand sometimes I think it would be useful to get things off my chest occasionally.

So this is me rebooting this site. I'm still struggling but the black despair and pain are far less these days. Hopefully this will be less a cry of despair and more about what I'm up to, so here goes...

For the last few months I've been living with a wonderful woman called Michelle. Sadly, on the down side, I've had a bit of a bust up with my father. Seems that my depression did more damage to the family than I realised.

Currently we are selling the house and hopefully in the following weeks/months we'll be moving back to my home area. Feels a bit like a house of cards organising it all but we're coping well and eventually I'm sure it'll all work out. That's all for now I think. More soon.