Clent

Been a better day today. Went for a walk/beer over the Clent hills with Dave. The weather was good and so was the company. Hopefully I'll get to go out tonight and keep the good feeling continuing.

Home

Back home from a very enjoyable weekend away. Only been here by myself for an hour and already feeling the loneliness creep back.

Playing It By Ear

Took a sleeping pill tonight. Not sure yet whether I'll be going home Tomorrow or Monday yet. Need a good night sleep tonight though whatever. G'night.

London

Here I am in London. Had a good day today. Pisser is I'm completely unable to sleep again despie being utterly shattered. Should've taken a sleeping tab I guess but I really didn't expect to have a problem tonight.

Better

Had a tough few days but feeling better today. Had a bit of a wobble earlier this evening but got through it ok and ended up enjoying myself.

Off to London for the weekend in the morning. Hopefully I can keep feeling positive and enjoy it.

Hindsight

Really should've taken a sleeping pill tonight. Instead I've spent the evening chatting to people I don't know on the internet. Gonna go try sleep now.

All Of These Apply

According to clinical-depression.co.uk:

-You feel miserable and sad.

-You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .

-You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.

-You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.

-You feel very anxious sometimes.

-You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.

-You find it difficult to think clearly.

-You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.

-You feel a burden to others.

-You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.

-You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.

-You feel irritable or angry more than usual.

-You feel you have no confidence.

-You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).

-You feel that life is unfair.

-You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.

-You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'

-You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

Running On Empty

Finally run out of coping juice. Think I'll leave it at that for now.

Unsure

Not totally sure how I am tonight. I feel agitated, a little knotted up, but nothing that I can't deal with at the moment. Dunno whether it's gonna cause me problems sleeping yet. Not taken a sleeping tab for a few days so I won't feel bad if I end up needing one.

This week may prove to be a tough challenge with Dave being away all week. At the moment I'm more than equal to it. Be interesting to see if I'm still coping after a couple of days on my own.

Still Coping

Back from visiting my mothers. Good weekend all in all. I've struggled a bit today but not so much that I couldn't largely paper over the cracks. Really think I need to get out this evening though. Not sure tonight alone would do me any good.

Gosh

Well now, what to make of this. Actually had something close to a proper nights sleep last night WITHOUT taking a sleeping pill. And I'm actually still feeling ok this morning. Doubtless it can't last but I intend to make the most of it while it does.

Success

Successfully got through the day on my own without any major trauma. If I can keep this going into next week I can start looking at getting the car fixed again. I won't pretend life is a bunch of roses because it ain't. It's still a painful slog to get through the day. But at least today, despite everything, I've felt like there is a chance I can get through this.

Weekend

Still coping pretty well today on the whole. Not sure what I'm gonna do tonight, but tomorrow I'm visiting my mother for the weekend.

Here We Are Again

Wide awake at 4 a.m. wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do to get through this.

Mom goes into hosptal for radiotherapy today.

Nothing else to say for now.

Damn Blogger

Damn Blogger for just wiping out my entire post. Ok lets try this again -

Big downs and littler downs today. Getting through with no help from anyone, proud of that. Watched a few episodes of The 4400. Just had a shower and shave. Next I'm off to the shops to buy some garden hose...just kidding, the car is still out of commission anyway. I know it angers people that I make jokes like that but it's just my way of dealing with stuff, sorry. Anyway, let's hope I can get my shopping in the bikes top box.

It does help to know that I'll be going out tonight to have some company. Would have certainly been harder if I'd not had any plans for later.

Bonediggers

Coping pretty well so far. Just watched Bonediggers. Not the greatest TV ever but a passable time waster. As soon as it finished started to feel miserable again. Then I started concentrating on the fact that I'll be going out tonight and it helped. Fingers crossed I can keep it going through this afternoon too.

Black Night

Black night, black morning. Gonna try hard not to bother anyone today. Err, that's all for now I think.

I'm determined not to take a sleeping tab tonight. Despite the fact I can't sleep. I'm trying to keep them as a last resort. Only want to use them if I know I'm going to be a complete mess, then I can flake out instead of doing something stupid. Feeling a bit upset at the moment but nowhere near enough to frighten me, just enough to piss me off and stop me sleeping.

Just saw the time that Dave posted a comment on my last entry. Realised he still must be awake and nearly rang him. But I can't keep dragging everyone down with me. Just cos I'm having a shit night there's no use in spreading the misery.

On the plus side it means if any of you are ever having trouble sleeping feel free to give me a call. If I take a sleeping tab I'll have my phone off otherwise I'm already awake and miserable and the worst you can do is to make the night a little more bearable for me. It would help me to feel useful to someone too.

?

Is it always going to be like this? Utter misery interspersed with the occasional periods of either feeling pretty good, feeling OK, or plastering a smile over the cracks?

Since I deleted my private notes I've noticed that I'm creeping back to opening up more in this one again. I definitely seem to need an outlet like this. But I'm going to have to be more careful about what I say without a doubt. Need to find a balance between needing to type whatever the hell is going through my mind at that moment, and consideration for how people might intepret that when they read it at a later date.

Hate

Headache is bad today. Couldn't do anything even if I wanted to. I hate this.

Made Me Chuckle

Meditation

Had another appointment with my counsellor today. Interestingly we tried a little meditation towards the end of the session. The problem I have with meditation is that it helps, but only for as long as you meditate. A few minutes later you're back to square one. So I'm still suffering from afternoon/evening blues.

3 Hours

Had about 3 hours sleep last night. Not too bad. A little tired but feeling ok. Still completely lacking any motivation to actually do anything though. I will get my car sorted out soon, but not today.

Hancock

Went to see Hancock tonight. Thoroughly average movie.

Thanks to all concerned for helping me through today. I'm getting much better at smiling through it all. Really hope I can manage tonight without a sleeping tab.

One a.m

Today has been a good day. Great ride out to Aberystwyth. Great weather and good company.

But of course my moods crashed rather badly tonight. Can't sleep at all. Don't want to take another sleeping tab after having one last night. Actually, sod it, gonna have one anyway. G'night.

To Wales Again

Off to Wales on the bike tomorrow with a couple of mates. Been a rough few days for me. Think I'll take a sleeping tab tonight make sure I don't get tired while I'm out.

Getting it together

Pulled myself together this evening. Getting back on top of the car problem. Can't do much with it until Friday though. Tomorrow I have to go visit my mother as it's her birthday. With no car I'll have to take the bike whatever the weather. Fortunately it doesn't look like its going to be too bad.

Car Trouble

Sigh. So much for repairing the car. The part I need is no longer manufactured. My Haynes manual is completely inadequate. Serious communication problems with the Vauxhall dealership. And I'm clearly too thick to figure it all out. Right now I just feel like torching it. Unreasonable I know considering what a superbly reliable motor it's been up to this point. If my thinking was clearer maybe I could sort it all out. But it isn't and I can't. Right now I can't even think about it any more.

Bastard

Bastard, bastard, bastard. Car broke down tonight. Pissed on my plans for tomorrow. Now instead of meeting up with my brother I've got to spend the day getting my car sorted. Bastard.

Discharged

Went to see the neurologist today about the headaches. Basically they are out of treatment options. The only other drugs they can try (anti epileptics) aren't likely to do much good and they can't give to me anyway because they cause depression.

Just went and indulged in a little retail therapy to try to cheer myself up. Didn't work. Did make me realise that I hadn't spent any money on myself for ages.

Knackered

Feeling completely exhausted this morning. Today I'm just gonna laze around and maybe watch more episodes of Dexter.

Sleeping Pills

Because I had to sleep earlier due to the headache, I've been lying awake in bed. So time to hit the sleeping tabs. I don't think taking a total of 2 in a fortnight is unreasonable. Just need to leave it half an hour to kick in now.

Headache

Today was spoiled by headache getting really bad. Just had a couple of hours sleep and its eased off a bit now. Apart from that had a pretty good day.

Stronger

Definitely getting stronger. I won't pretend it's not hard, but today I feel in control. Really hope I can keep this going.

Hmm...

...been 4 days since the last entry. Been reading a lot and watching Dexter. Gonna force myself to go out tonight. Tomorrow I'm at the quacks first thing then off to Avoncroft museum for the day. That's the plan so far anyway.

Not really sure how I'm doing. Getting better at plastering a smile over the cracks I think. Right now I've hit the afternoon blues when I've run out of stuff to do and have no one to talk to.