Where did the time go?

Well it's been a while since I last posted. Things are going pretty well for me for a change. Sleeping better, feeling more positive.

I'm also seeing a lady named Michelle from Oldham and that's taken up a fair bit of my time too.

I'll try and get back to blogging more regularly. But on the whole I think it's a good sign that I need this blog less and less.

Weekend

Had a pleasant weekend visiting my mother. My brother and his wife were visiting too. Sunday I took him into Evesham on the bike. The weather was good enough for a barbecue which is always welcome. All in all I enjoyed myself.

Doing Stuff

Still having problems motivating myself to do stuff. This morning I've managed to make myself go out and pay bills etc. Still need to get my car fixed though. Hopefully I should be able to face that soon.

Nothing

Done nothing today. Stuff I need to do but can't do any of it. Everything feels like it's slipping out of control. Wish I could get a grip before I really start to slide but don't know how. Meh, probably be ok though.

And Back Again

Home now. Had a really enjoyable time up in Oldham. Looks like I'll be heading back up there on Wednesday.

Oldham

Off to Oldham for a couple of days. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Still Here

Not been blogging much for the past few days. Partly because I've been pretty busy with stuff, but also because my head is a bit all over the place right now. That's all I really feel like saying right now.

Clent

Been a better day today. Went for a walk/beer over the Clent hills with Dave. The weather was good and so was the company. Hopefully I'll get to go out tonight and keep the good feeling continuing.

Home

Back home from a very enjoyable weekend away. Only been here by myself for an hour and already feeling the loneliness creep back.

Playing It By Ear

Took a sleeping pill tonight. Not sure yet whether I'll be going home Tomorrow or Monday yet. Need a good night sleep tonight though whatever. G'night.

London

Here I am in London. Had a good day today. Pisser is I'm completely unable to sleep again despie being utterly shattered. Should've taken a sleeping tab I guess but I really didn't expect to have a problem tonight.

Better

Had a tough few days but feeling better today. Had a bit of a wobble earlier this evening but got through it ok and ended up enjoying myself.

Off to London for the weekend in the morning. Hopefully I can keep feeling positive and enjoy it.

Hindsight

Really should've taken a sleeping pill tonight. Instead I've spent the evening chatting to people I don't know on the internet. Gonna go try sleep now.

All Of These Apply

According to clinical-depression.co.uk:

-You feel miserable and sad.

-You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .

-You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.

-You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.

-You feel very anxious sometimes.

-You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.

-You find it difficult to think clearly.

-You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.

-You feel a burden to others.

-You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.

-You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.

-You feel irritable or angry more than usual.

-You feel you have no confidence.

-You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).

-You feel that life is unfair.

-You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.

-You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'

-You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

Running On Empty

Finally run out of coping juice. Think I'll leave it at that for now.

Unsure

Not totally sure how I am tonight. I feel agitated, a little knotted up, but nothing that I can't deal with at the moment. Dunno whether it's gonna cause me problems sleeping yet. Not taken a sleeping tab for a few days so I won't feel bad if I end up needing one.

This week may prove to be a tough challenge with Dave being away all week. At the moment I'm more than equal to it. Be interesting to see if I'm still coping after a couple of days on my own.

Still Coping

Back from visiting my mothers. Good weekend all in all. I've struggled a bit today but not so much that I couldn't largely paper over the cracks. Really think I need to get out this evening though. Not sure tonight alone would do me any good.

Gosh

Well now, what to make of this. Actually had something close to a proper nights sleep last night WITHOUT taking a sleeping pill. And I'm actually still feeling ok this morning. Doubtless it can't last but I intend to make the most of it while it does.

Success

Successfully got through the day on my own without any major trauma. If I can keep this going into next week I can start looking at getting the car fixed again. I won't pretend life is a bunch of roses because it ain't. It's still a painful slog to get through the day. But at least today, despite everything, I've felt like there is a chance I can get through this.

Weekend

Still coping pretty well today on the whole. Not sure what I'm gonna do tonight, but tomorrow I'm visiting my mother for the weekend.

Here We Are Again

Wide awake at 4 a.m. wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do to get through this.

Mom goes into hosptal for radiotherapy today.

Nothing else to say for now.

Damn Blogger

Damn Blogger for just wiping out my entire post. Ok lets try this again -

Big downs and littler downs today. Getting through with no help from anyone, proud of that. Watched a few episodes of The 4400. Just had a shower and shave. Next I'm off to the shops to buy some garden hose...just kidding, the car is still out of commission anyway. I know it angers people that I make jokes like that but it's just my way of dealing with stuff, sorry. Anyway, let's hope I can get my shopping in the bikes top box.

It does help to know that I'll be going out tonight to have some company. Would have certainly been harder if I'd not had any plans for later.

Bonediggers

Coping pretty well so far. Just watched Bonediggers. Not the greatest TV ever but a passable time waster. As soon as it finished started to feel miserable again. Then I started concentrating on the fact that I'll be going out tonight and it helped. Fingers crossed I can keep it going through this afternoon too.

Black Night

Black night, black morning. Gonna try hard not to bother anyone today. Err, that's all for now I think.

I'm determined not to take a sleeping tab tonight. Despite the fact I can't sleep. I'm trying to keep them as a last resort. Only want to use them if I know I'm going to be a complete mess, then I can flake out instead of doing something stupid. Feeling a bit upset at the moment but nowhere near enough to frighten me, just enough to piss me off and stop me sleeping.

Just saw the time that Dave posted a comment on my last entry. Realised he still must be awake and nearly rang him. But I can't keep dragging everyone down with me. Just cos I'm having a shit night there's no use in spreading the misery.

On the plus side it means if any of you are ever having trouble sleeping feel free to give me a call. If I take a sleeping tab I'll have my phone off otherwise I'm already awake and miserable and the worst you can do is to make the night a little more bearable for me. It would help me to feel useful to someone too.

?

Is it always going to be like this? Utter misery interspersed with the occasional periods of either feeling pretty good, feeling OK, or plastering a smile over the cracks?

Since I deleted my private notes I've noticed that I'm creeping back to opening up more in this one again. I definitely seem to need an outlet like this. But I'm going to have to be more careful about what I say without a doubt. Need to find a balance between needing to type whatever the hell is going through my mind at that moment, and consideration for how people might intepret that when they read it at a later date.

Hate

Headache is bad today. Couldn't do anything even if I wanted to. I hate this.

Made Me Chuckle

Meditation

Had another appointment with my counsellor today. Interestingly we tried a little meditation towards the end of the session. The problem I have with meditation is that it helps, but only for as long as you meditate. A few minutes later you're back to square one. So I'm still suffering from afternoon/evening blues.

3 Hours

Had about 3 hours sleep last night. Not too bad. A little tired but feeling ok. Still completely lacking any motivation to actually do anything though. I will get my car sorted out soon, but not today.

Hancock

Went to see Hancock tonight. Thoroughly average movie.

Thanks to all concerned for helping me through today. I'm getting much better at smiling through it all. Really hope I can manage tonight without a sleeping tab.

One a.m

Today has been a good day. Great ride out to Aberystwyth. Great weather and good company.

But of course my moods crashed rather badly tonight. Can't sleep at all. Don't want to take another sleeping tab after having one last night. Actually, sod it, gonna have one anyway. G'night.

To Wales Again

Off to Wales on the bike tomorrow with a couple of mates. Been a rough few days for me. Think I'll take a sleeping tab tonight make sure I don't get tired while I'm out.

Getting it together

Pulled myself together this evening. Getting back on top of the car problem. Can't do much with it until Friday though. Tomorrow I have to go visit my mother as it's her birthday. With no car I'll have to take the bike whatever the weather. Fortunately it doesn't look like its going to be too bad.

Car Trouble

Sigh. So much for repairing the car. The part I need is no longer manufactured. My Haynes manual is completely inadequate. Serious communication problems with the Vauxhall dealership. And I'm clearly too thick to figure it all out. Right now I just feel like torching it. Unreasonable I know considering what a superbly reliable motor it's been up to this point. If my thinking was clearer maybe I could sort it all out. But it isn't and I can't. Right now I can't even think about it any more.

Bastard

Bastard, bastard, bastard. Car broke down tonight. Pissed on my plans for tomorrow. Now instead of meeting up with my brother I've got to spend the day getting my car sorted. Bastard.

Discharged

Went to see the neurologist today about the headaches. Basically they are out of treatment options. The only other drugs they can try (anti epileptics) aren't likely to do much good and they can't give to me anyway because they cause depression.

Just went and indulged in a little retail therapy to try to cheer myself up. Didn't work. Did make me realise that I hadn't spent any money on myself for ages.

Knackered

Feeling completely exhausted this morning. Today I'm just gonna laze around and maybe watch more episodes of Dexter.

Sleeping Pills

Because I had to sleep earlier due to the headache, I've been lying awake in bed. So time to hit the sleeping tabs. I don't think taking a total of 2 in a fortnight is unreasonable. Just need to leave it half an hour to kick in now.

Headache

Today was spoiled by headache getting really bad. Just had a couple of hours sleep and its eased off a bit now. Apart from that had a pretty good day.

Stronger

Definitely getting stronger. I won't pretend it's not hard, but today I feel in control. Really hope I can keep this going.

Hmm...

...been 4 days since the last entry. Been reading a lot and watching Dexter. Gonna force myself to go out tonight. Tomorrow I'm at the quacks first thing then off to Avoncroft museum for the day. That's the plan so far anyway.

Not really sure how I'm doing. Getting better at plastering a smile over the cracks I think. Right now I've hit the afternoon blues when I've run out of stuff to do and have no one to talk to.

Getting Better?

Had a good day on Sunday. Started to get very nervey in the evening though. Ended up taking a sleeping pill when I went to bed. Worked briliantly got around 7 hours sleep.

This morning I'm going to laze around and read, maybe get some more sleep. Not sure how I feel today though. If the weather looks ok im gonna force myself to take the bike out again I think.

Waste Away

Some people are like gravy
Spilled on God's Sunday shirt
Some people are always getting better
Some people just get worse
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long until they waste away
Waste away now
Some people think they're dangerous
Well maybe just to little boys
some people always reaching for the sky
As if they had a choice
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Waste away now
And I want to know
And I don't want to hear them cry
So I gotta go man I gotta go
I gotta go now
Some people think they're lucky
Like they thought of heaven first
Some people been holdin' back their love so long
I think they're 'bout to burst
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Waste away now
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Waste away now
Waste away
Waste away now
WASTE AWAY

Meh

Sinking this evening. Meh, I'll be fine.

Still Employed!

Just phoned my old boss and friend Ian to let him know my situation. Incredibly he's kept my job open fr me even though it's meant him working 15 hour days. He has said that if things get much worse then they will have to bring in a replacement, but it is astonishing to me that they've kept it available for me for so long. But it's something to aim for and it's given me a real boost.

Not Bad

Feeling ok so far today. Brain still feels a little too sludgelike to really motivate myself to do much though. That's fine too as long as I don't start to get bored and down. Read quite a bit this morning. There's a couple of little projects I can start on if I do start to slide. The question at the moment is how will I feel this evening if all I've done is slouch around all day.

Change Of Plans

Caught sight of myself in the mirror today. Decided a shave and haircut were more important than throwing books out. So that's what I've done. Still plenty of time to sort through my books if I find myself starting to mope though. Right now I'm going to jump in the shower again.

No ones talking to me on Facebook :(

Doing Stuff

Forcing myself to do stuff today. If I'm honest all I really want to do is curl up and cry all day. So far this morning I've had breakfast, surfed the web for advice on teaching a cat to use a catflap (ours is terrified of it), and taken the bike out for a short blast while the sun was shining.

Frankly it was just upsetting to be out on the bike and to discover I wasn't really enjoying it. Also I got really down because I felt I had nowhere to go, no one to see.

Going to read for a bit now. Later I'm going to sort out some books for the charity shop and then I see my counsellor at 4 this afternoon.

Not Too Bad

Had a pretty good morning today. Went to the pub with my brother in the afternoon but started to sink a bit. Largely due to tiredness I think. Went to sleep afterwards then had a little weep.

Made myself go out this evening. Couldn't bear to have another night on my own. Had to leave early because i was getting edgy but did genuinely enjoy myself. I need to keep pushing myself like that. It shows me that perhaps I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.

Feeling utterly spent now. Could easily lie down and cry my heart out. Won't do it though. I need to get used to doing things on my own again. There have been and will be again times when the people that I rely on won't be able to be there for me. I have to find a way to cope at those times. And I think I see the first signs that I'm beginning to manage it.

yay

one hours sleep again tonight. ah well. could be worse. accentuate the positive. yay i got an hours sleep. much better than no sleep at all. hmm, not sure i'm convincing anyone.

Little Holiday

Just got back from an improptu holiday. Didn't enjoy it much. Very glad to be home.

Quiet

Quiet day today. Read a lot. Running out of reading material now. One novel left. Going to carry on with this for now, just without the self pitying whining.

Today...

...is going to be tough. Seriously thinking about giving this blog up. I'm already holding stuff back anyway. When I was in bits after seeing the shrink yesterday I started loads of entries and then deleted them in case they upset anyone. And that's just one example.

If I've stopped being honest about what I'm going through I may as well not bother. It's been hard letting people see what I've been going through. While it's helped me at the time I feel like it's done more harm than good. I feel like it's scared people away a little.

Might start another elsewhere and keep it private this time.

blah

still awake blah blah blah. blah fed up blah. its a shame for me blah blah blah etc...

wish

wish i was dead. big deal, whats new.

tried this evening, really tried, just to manage alone. and i can do it easy. just curl up on my bed and wait. easy. ive been doing it most of my life. but whats the point.

How much do shrinks get paid, how long do they have to train for? How can they talk for half an hour just to prescribe some pills and tell you, what boils down to, pull yourself together cos no one else gives a toss?

for the record, the shrink is increasing my dosage of Fluoxetine to the maximium. Also giving me Zopiclone to help me sleep. Won't give me more than 2 weeks supply though. probably wise move at the moment.

yep just googled it. 2 weeks aint enough for a fatal dose. its not like i plan on going that way anyway. easy to see how one bad night could tempt you to take the lot on the spur of the moment though.

meh enough pointless ramble. i'll still be here tomorrow.

8th

this is about the 8th post ive written. the first one i didnt delete since seeing the shrink. just so you know.

Panic

Panic is setting in. Don't know why. Had a nap and now I'm dreading the visit to the shrink. It's a 20 minute walk to get there and I know I'm going to be a wreck by then. I know I have to go but...
I don't know. Can I really face seeing him in such a state? I could drive but I'm not really supposed to with my hand yet.

Trying very hard to pull myself together for this. It's only a 20 min walk. I've done it twice today already. Shouldn't be a problem. Ok just gonna have a little lie down to try to calm myself and try some breathing exercises.

Back

Back from the hospital. Grr. Why on earth did they give me an appointment for 8 in the morning when they didn't even begin seeing patients until 8.25?

Still, the good news is that the op was a much better success than my previous one. My finger is properly straightened now. The stitches come out next Wednesday. Just going to put my feet up and read for a while now. Then back to the hospital this afternoon to see the shrink.

more sleep

did get a little more sleep. time to get up now and go to the hospital. ironicaaly because i have to get up now i feel like i want to go back to bed and sleep. typical.

ignore

ignore that last pos. had an hour slee p now. feeling much netter. still very tired but no longer so overwrought. tink i can get another hour before i have to get up soon anyway. heh the difference one hour sleep can make

nightmare

finally dropped off only to have an horrific nightmare. then i couldnt keep my eyes closed without seeing weirdness. feeling freaked out. dont want to play anymore. want to go home. head hurts so badly. my email doesnt work. just want to rest my head on keyboard now sleep for a million years. had enough . take no notice folks. late night rambling again. i'll be fine in the morning. i can still spell and type properly. ive been worse. my head hurts. want it to stop. why am i crying again. im ok really. im ok. i am. ive been worse. just need to li doen now itll all go away for a bit. until i do iy all again and again. dont know i bother. ha being pathetic again. stop now.

sad

feeling very, very sad now. no idea why. also feeling very tired without feeling sleepy. its horrible. add in progressively worsening headache and i really dont have the makings of a good night. at least i have to be at the hospital for 8 in the morning. means i have an excuse to be up and about early.

shit i really am feeling low now. g'night.

out of steam

finally run out of steam. still, it was good while it lasted. think tiredness has finally overwhelmed me. not hurting too much yet but i can finally feel the sadness closing in. hopefully i'll sleep tonight after so long awake.

ah well

had a very enjoyable lunchtime. thanks gord. got home to find my dad in a bad mood again and barely talking to me. just going to hole up in my room for the rest of the afternoon and see if i can get some sleep.

still going...ok

considering ive had absolutely no sleep at all i feel remarkably...ok. pottered about for the last few hours doing nothing very much except having some cereal for breakfast which ive not done in a long time.

next up im gonna have a shave. meeting gord in brum for lunch a bit later. this evening i may or may not visit my local to catch up with a couple of friends. we'll see how i feel by then.

update - ok i'd forgotten how awkward shaving one handed is. think i'll skip that after all. it can wait till i get my hand back.

daylight

daylight. suppose i should get ...up? but as ive been up all night anyway maybe i mean something else. astonishingly i still feel ok. not even particularly low. which makes the lack of sleep even more puzzling. if i feel ok why havent i slept?

answers on a postcard please to-

mentalists forever
c/o the funny farm
loonyville

still awake

still wide awake. wasted some time on facebook. chatted with gordon a little. at a bit of a loose end now. probably smurf the web for a while. then i'll see if i cant grab 40 winks.

oddly enough, even though i cant sleep i still feel ok. isnt that strange? i felt worse when i was trying to get to sleep earlier.

24 hours later

eventually got a couple of hours sleep last night. then had quite a good day yesterday in the end. the meeting with my councillor went well enough. read quite a lot. watched The Great Escape. didnt do much really but somehow felt on top of things.

i was supposed to go for a walk this evening at my councillors suggestion. but i couldnt do it on my own. i just couldnt. had to settle for reading in the garden instead. followed the rest of his suggestions though. but it hasnt worked, i still cant sleep.

so the pc is back on, im talking to people on facebook. doing things my own way. and frankly im feeling better for doing things my way. admittedly my own way isnt so great but at least its keeping me occupied. eventually i'll tire myself out and get a little sleep im sure. hopefully tomorrow i can get back in control again.

no big surprise

yep cant sleep. mind is racing. wish it would actually race somewhere instead of just going around in pointless circles but there it is.

right. need to do this on my own. no more cries for help and sympathy. today there will be no more blogging from me come what may. i'll do this on my own. i have to. i'll reassess on wednesday whether to continue or not. but for the next 24 hours i'll hold my own counsel.

first night

my first night in a few days without meds. no idea how well i'll sleep. dont be suprised to read lots of late night whining from me tonight if i cant sleep. headaches getting bad as well.

at least ive had a good afternoon and evening. i see my counsellor tomorrow. still waiting to see if my appointment with the shrink can get brought forward.

once again i find myself struggling to cope. feeling alone and upset with no one to turn to. i really dont want to live like this. its too hard, too painful. i keep telling myself that i must see some kind of future for myself otherwise why did i bother having the op done.

its not helping though. nothing is.

eventually

got some sleep eventually. dunno how i'll cope tonight though now that the meds have run out. i was supposed to have seen a shrink by now to get my medication sorted but it just hasnt happened.

not sleeping

not sleeping. no ones around. utterly alone. what goodare sleepingpills that dont make yousleep?

strange

back from the movies. decent film. feeling very strange right now. taken the last of my zopiclone. feeling pretty broken up and dont know why.

my finger has started bleeding through the bandages tonight. only a little. not sure if thats to be expected or not.

i feel like i want to scream and scream. genuinely starting to fear that i am going mad.

helped

cried myself to sleep. think its helped a bit. gonna go see The Happening tonight. the reviews arent good for it but i like shyamalans films.

time

ive been holding it off but i think its time i finally lie down and weep for a time.

broken oven

the oven is broken at the moment. not much point me sticking my head in there then is there? heh.

what to say

dont know what to say. just the usual self pitying rubbish. feel trapped, in pain, and hopelessly alone. i know im not. i know it makes no sense. but its how i feel. im a complete irrelevance. wish i was dead.

hand holding

at some point this morning, despite there being no one else in my room, i could feel someone holding my hand. i took a great deal of comfort in that.

early

despite going to bed early ive slept well. feeling tired and a little edgy but basically ok. maybe im tired enough to go back to bed. just for a little while.

getting worse

no longer any doubt about it. im getting worse. a good nights sleep is helping me get through the day, but the evenings are getting horrendous. i find myself going to bed earlier each night just to escape into sleeping pill oblivion.

which reminds me, i have had no appointment come through for the psychiatrist. that leaves me with one sleeping pill for tomorrow night. god help me.

rough evening

having a rough evening. constantly on the edge of tears. no idea why. hate being like this

Birmingham

Been into town with my brother today. Had a pleasant time. Had to avoid alcohol because of the drugs I'm on but it wasn't too great a hardship. Unfortunately Birmingham on a Saturday did eventually become too much for me to cope with and I had to come home. Probably should have left earlier if I'm honest. Feeling pretty miserable right now.

Phew

Did sleep in the end. Still feel a little tired and groggy. But I didn't have to slowly go mad staring into space all night that's the important thing.

Shite

Can't sleep. What a pain in the arse. Still at least I feel a little tired so maybe i wont be having too bad a night. even if i just doze a little it'll be better than nothing.

Operation

Had my op today. Seems to have gone well. Be a couple of weeks till I can use my left hand again.

Needless to say the first thing I wanted to do when I got home was play guitar. Ah well.

Special thanks to Param for spending the day at the hospital with me. It still astonishes me that I have such incredible friends.

Slept Ok...But

Really am in a strange place at the moment. Today doesn't feel, I dunno...right. I'm not a superstitious person at all. Really I'm not. But I am a little weirded out by today being Friday the 13th.

Meh, pull yourself together Smithy. It's an operation you've had before. As long as it's no worse this time you'll be fine.

Although I'm feeling very brittle I know I'd be in a complete state if I'd not slept last night. Being able to sleep is proving to be a big , big help.

Early Night

Another early night for me. Have to be at the hospital for 8 in the morning. I'm terrified I won't sleep tonight. The very thought of another sleepless night has me on the edge of tears right at this moment.

Wow. Been keeping on top of things all night and now I'm starting to collapse in an instant. How the hell did this happen? C'mon Smithy breathe dammit. Ok back in control. G'night folks.

Good While It Lasted

Starting to lose it a bit now. Not a bad afternoon really. Read a bit, ate jelly babies, napped. But I can feel myself sinking now. Maybe because I know I'll have to do this evening alone too. Everyones busy tonight. I could go out to the club but I really think that would be a big mistake, especially as I'm starting to get so down anyway.

Shouldn't matter too much if I have a miserable evening as long as the drugs work and I don't have to be awake through another hellish night.

Bearable Today

Today is proving bearable. Been to the tip dumped some rubbish. Stopped at the shops on the way back. Bought myself a pile of wine gums, jelly babies, and marshmellows. And then realised that, for the first time in ages, I'd actually spent some money on myself.

I also have music back, for today at least. In the car I had a Porcupine Tree CD on and when the track Fadeaway came on the hairs on my arms stood on end and a thrill ran down my spine.

Feeling a little at a loose end right now. Maybe a nap is in order, maybe munch some marshmellows instead. We shall see.

There is also a very blackly humourous story I could relate about my trip to the shops. I've been sniggering like an idiot to myself about it ever since. But I'll keep it to myself thank you very much.

Kind of Ok

Not doing too badly today. Lazed around a bit, surfed the web a little, and finished reading a book. Now I need to do something useful. Have some rubbish that I need to get to the tip. That's my priority for today I think.

Slept Well

Slept well indeed. Woke twice in the night but both times went straight back to sleep. feeling a bitgroggy and headachey right now but still not too bad. might evn go back to bed.

Please

Please please please please please please please please please please let me sleep tonight. Going to bed now. Dreading waking up in the small hours. Please let me sleep.

Fragile and Over Sensitive

It's a bit of a shock for me to discover how easily I can be knocked sideways. I can take the merest slight as a massive rejection. It's awful. I feel so weak and useless. As emotionally crippled as a child.

Actually I'm coping pretty well so far tonight. Chatting to a few people online. Don't feel quite so alone. But I'm really hoping the sleeping pills work tonight. Don't think I could bear another night like the last one.

Yet Another Hospital Trip

Off to the hospital soon just for a blood test before my operation on Friday. Struggling to hold it together to be honest. I just feel utterly broken.

When I woke up this morning I looked at the clock and expected to see that it was 6 or 7am. When I realised that it was only just after 1am I completely broke down. Hopefully it was just a blip and the pills will work tonight.

Already finding myself holding things back here. Too many people are being hurt and scared by what I write. That's all for now I think.

no need

no need to ring the crisis team. im not gonna do anything silly. just having a bad night. stupid things to say. im a mess but i can cope. i know i can. i have to

crises

hurting so badly. its starting to get light. can i ride this out or do i need to ring the crises team.

just opened my curtains. made it through this much of the night. dont know what to do. dont know anything anymore. one wrong word take the ground from under my feet. i cant se anyway of putting myself back together. all i do is drag the people who try to help me down. with me out of the way they can get on and enjoy their lives

hate

i hate myself. im useless, worthless. theres no point me being here. all i do is take up room. im a complete waste of space. sooner im gone the better. i cant even help the people who care about me. all i do ishurt people. everything i touch goes wrong. everyone will be better off when im gone

losing friends again

just made a call to my best friend. its pretty clear they hate me now. not only can i not sleep, im alienating the people i thought cared. i just dont know what to do anymore. i seem a mastere at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. is it wrong to try to get someone to be a little more objective when they tell you their problems. maybe im just a bad communicator. i should just go the whole hog, piss off the rest of my friends and family (after all i do it so easily) and then i can go without worrying.

less than 2 hours

even with slleping pills ive had less than 2 hrs sleep. thought id be deda to the world tonight. now im scared of how im feeling. is it toolate to ring friends? shit im in a bad way. do i piss friends off or use the crises line or tough it out?

knackers

looks like my little white pills arent so great at making me sleep as i thought. bollocks.

Up and Down Again

Up and down this evening. Not too bad right now but really been through the wringer earlier. At least I should get another night of oblivion to look forward to. Think I'll just potter about for a bit before crashing out. Night folks.

nearly done

all tasks accomplished except for shaving. frankly all i'm fit for right now is a lie down and a long cry.

an hour

around an hour to kill before my appointment. lie down i think

hurting a lot now. getting upset. wish the appointment was earlier so i could get it out of the way

Check List So Far

Doctors - done

Library - done

Shave - not yet

Seetec appointment - not till 3

I can now start throwing my drugs names around now. Zopiclone to help me sleep (which they do) and Lorazepam to help me chill out. Incidentally, had a phone call this morning telling me my finger op will by on Friday. Anyone needs me to take them anywhere better get their orders in quick because I won't be driving for a few weeks after.

Struggling

Struggling a bit now. Seem to remember that this happened yesterday. I woke up feeling ok, but went downhill about midmorning. Anyway, I have to go to the quacks now and get more sleeping pills.

More Awake Now

Went back to bed and had another hour or so. Sleeping makes a big difference.

Projects for today-

shave

take library books back

see doctor get more sleeping pills

keep appointment with Seetec people

more sleep again

5 hours sleep last night thanks to these magic pills i have. need to see the doc today get some more. although right now think ill gp back to bed for a bit

At Last

Yesterday concerned friends finally dragged me to hospital to be assessed by the mental heath crises team. Only took about 7 hours. Finally, after telling my story for the umpteenth time, they pretty much came up with a solution that I could have told them right at the start. I NEED SLEEP. So they gave me drugs and sent me on my way. As a result I slept for SIX WHOLE HOURS. Bit of a headache right now but I honestly believe that once I get my sleeping back on track the rest will start to fall into place.

inertia

i know what i need to do to make it all go away. but now im home inertia has set in and i can barely move. shops open soon. need to go to he shops. just need this one last effort.

middle of nowhere

just been sitting in my car in the middle of nowhere. slowly going through the phone numbers finding reasons not to bother anyone. almost buckled once or twice. did actually make one call but hung up before anyone could answer. not fair to wake people up. in the end made myself come home. dont think i can stay here long though

friends

just called a friend in desperation. going over to his house to crash on his couch. dont know how id have made it this far without friends. really dont.

going mad

dont know how much more of this insomnia i can take. feel like im going mad. seriously. i wnt to cry. i want to hurt myself. i just want to sleep for god sake. is it too much to ask. at least the tears are comig again now. maybe i can cry myself to sleep. even if i dont at least it passes the time. i cant go on like this. i just cant. hopw can it be so hard to sleep. how how how. god im pathetic. im so tired i want to scream. i cant even think staright anymore. another long night of this. how the fuck can i get through this again. its just to hard. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like downing the contents of the medicine cabinet just to close my eyes. dont want to be stuck here in this prison for another night of this.

pain

really cant get a grip on things at all at the moment. cant even think of anything to say. hopefully i'll be through this soon

bad day today. very bad

falling apart

up the down escalator

thats how i frequently feel lately. im trying to climb an escalator thats going down. every time i get near the top someone speeds it up again and down i go. trouble is sometimes it feels like its me thats speeding it up. just to punish myself. self loathing is a wonderful thing.

Yuck

Feeling really yuck this evening in just about every way imaginable. Physically I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Mentally I feel... blank and exhausted I guess. There isn't a part of my body that doesn't hurt. Also, my stomach is continuing to rebel against any intruders.

Earlier had an appointment at the hospital. This is to do with the Dupuytren's nodule in the little finger of my left hand. It's now so bent over it's really interfering with my guitar playing. There is a small risk that the operation will leave me unable to use the finger at all. If that happened I'm not sure what I'd do. But if I leave it it'll only get worse so it needs to be done.

Adventures In Alcohol Land

Last night I was feeling pretty well on top of things. So much so that I risked a trip out to the pub with friends. I was so much on top of things that I decided to have a few drinks and not drive home. Anyone who takes anti depressants knows that they do not mix well with alcohol at the best of times. Especially when you have your drinking head on and don't know when to stop.

Unfortunately I didn't quite drink enough not to be able to remember what happened next. I'm not going to humiliate myself by giving you details. I will tell you that it involved two very badly graised arms, a swollen knee on my left leg, a badly bruised heel on my right leg, and a painful bruise that I have no idea how bad is on my backside. It also involved lots and lots of being sick.

Hangover is almost gone now, but its going to be a few days until I can walk properly again. Once again, thanks to Phil and Param for being absolute diamonds to help me out.

not so bad

still hurting but not so bad now. may as well get up now. at least the sun is shining.

why

why does it hurt so much. how can my insides be in so much pain. feel sick.

i see the shrink at the end of this month. right now that feels like an eternity away.

god im so fragile. takes nothing at all to get me down. dont know how to keep going when i feel like ths. really whats the point of trying

worthless

i am worthless. totally, utterly worthless. the soonr im out of everybodies way the better.

dunno

dunno how im feeling right now. apart from very, very tired. abslutely nothing helps keep me asleep. ive had almost exactly two lots of one hour sleeps tonight. i'll probably get another hour in. but its nowhere near enough. would be so easy just to ramble on now. but sod it. ive inflicted enough crap on people already. i'll shut up and go back to bed.

actually, just made the mistake of looking at a couple of other blogs. i really shouldnt do it. seeing what others are going through just makes me upset for them. doubt i'll get back to sleep now. bugger.

Hi

Just a quick post to say hi. Been a pretty crappy day for the most part. This evening I'm much improved thanks largely to the excellent company of Phil and Param. Hopefully that will stay with me through the night.

Fed Up

Fed up with writing the same old things. What's the point really? No suprise that I've crashed pretty badly this evening. But really who cares. You've read it all before. Don't even know if it's still helping me. For all I know this is some twisted addiction I have. Sometimes I just want to forget the whole thing, delete it all. Meh, see how I feel tomorrow.

Wobble

Oops. Wobbling a bit now. I was trying to think of what to do tomorrow. Guess I shouldn't have pushed my luck there. Avoid thinking about anything further than bed time I think.

Good Day?

Feeling almost like my old self today. I'll have a shave in a bit I think. It's a bit scary feeling like this after so long. A little bewildering. Instead of worrying about it I'm just going to try to enjoy the day.

Stll Ok

Normally it's small hours of the morning that really kill me. Still feeling ok right now though. Even feeling tired enough to go back to bed and maybe get another hour or 2 now. Nothing else to say right now so back to bed I go.

Pancakes

A pleasant evening of TV, pancakes and err...sleeping. Yes once again I visited a friends house and rudely flaked out for an hour. Fortunately I have very understanding friends. I'm so tired all the time that I think I could sleep almost anywhere at the moment.

The bodged exhaust on my car is making a hell of a racket now. But, frankly, I really couldn't care less. As most of the noise is caused by the exhaust vibrating against the body, it's only really noticable inside the car. So it'll get fixed when it just becomes too annoying for me to put up with.

Feeling ok tonight. Let's hope I still feel that way tomorrow.

On The Up

By lunchtime I was starting to improve. Then, on the ride home, something happened that hadn't happened to me in a long time. I started to get music in my head. I didn't realise how much I missed while riding. So I'm still a bit down but that's a long way up from this morning.

Without Power

First post of the day is a lot later than usual. We've been without power here until now.

Really seriously low this morning. Made some calls but people don't want to talk to me again. Fortunately Doug was in so that was a life saver. Heading off into Droitwich to help with some shopping in a bit.

Can't believe how down I am. Spent a large chunk of the morning tracing the veins in my forearms with my finger. Then I thought about how my mother would feel finding me in the bath with my wrists slashed and felt so guilty for even thinking it. I really wish I just hadn't woken up this morning.

In The Evening

Just watched The Princess Bride with my mother. I think she actually enjoyed it.

I'm really starting to feel very low now. I can feel myself getting edgier, can feel my guts twisting up again. I hate being like this so much. Just to make matters more interesting, I've forgotten to bring my meds along. Ah well, one day without shouldn't do much harm.

Sunshine

Had a good ride down to my mothers on the bike in the sunshine. All quiet here in rural Worcestershire. This afternoon had a couple of hours sleep in the garden. Definitely taken the edge off my tiredness. Starting to feel a bit more down but nothing major.

An odd thing just occured to me. When I sleep during the day I nearly always seem to feel more miserable afterwards. Hmm. Have to think about that.

Didn't Bother

Didn't bother with a middle of the night post because I couldn't think of anything worthwhile to say and I wasn't miserable enough to need to pour my heart out either. Some people might think 4.15 is the middle of the night but for me its time to get up.

Today I'm going to visit my mother. Looks like the weather should be ok so I'll go on the bike. Also last night the exhaust on my car half dropped off. A couple of weeks ago that would've had me in bits but instead I just rolled my sleeves up and bodged it back on. With a bit of help from my father. If the worst comes to the worst I'll just get a new exhaust fitted. Hardly the end of the world.

Think overall I am improving. Don't push me too hard folks, I need to do this in my own time. Still feel so tired though. One good nights sleep would do wonders for me I'm certain.

Beyond

I am so far beyond tired this evening that I'm in another dimension. Had a pleasant evening out. I was so tired that it was almost impossible for me to have the energy to get stressed out. Quite how it's possible to even be awake like this, let alone functional, is a complete mystery. Sleep deprivation is a kind of hallucinogenic high I guess.

Anyway, time for bed said Zebedee.

Phone Call

Well, I had decided to stay in tonight, but a friend just rang and now I'm off out for the evening. Damn, I have some fantastic friends. Still can't understand why they want to hang around with me, but I'm not going to complain. Guess somewhere along the way I got some luck.

Up And Down Again

Yep been one of those days. I was actually a lot worse this morning than I realised. Been up and down since. This afternoon I fell aseep on a friends couch which was great, but afterwards I really began to sink. I feel so tired and low right now. Not quite sure whether I need to be on my own this evening or whether to see if anyones willing to put up with me for the evening. I'll get some food then decide I think.

3

Not entirely sure, but I think I've had about 3 hours sleep. 3 whole hours. wow. feeling a bit knotted up and horrible at the moment though. still, 3 hours. the odd thing is i feel even more tired than usual now. vryy strange.

Made It

Made it through this evening without any major trauma. Got a bit nervey but coped well I think and managed to enjoy myself. It does seem to me that I can expect that the way I feel at the moment will be my new baseline for normal. Maybe it'll be enough, maybe I will even improve on this. Who knows?

Okay...ish

Still doing ok today, kind of. I keep thinking I'm just a bit low and then suddenly getting the urge to burst into tears for no reason. Managed to keep a lid on it so far so I'm going to risk going out tonight. Wish me luck.

Down But Not Out

Feeling down today but a long way from the desperation I've been feeling. Pretty much nailed the headache with painkillers this morning so I'm ready to go. Trouble is I don't actually seem to have anywhere to go at the moment. This feeling of aimlessness, of having no purpose, is a big part of my problem.

Take It As Read

Can we just take it as read that I'm wide awake at 3 in the morning? Nothing to say really except I'm much improved. Headache though.

Another Day Survived

Got through the day in the end. Still feel in pain, but the utter despair is not quite so utter at the moment. The nervous shakes and twitches have been a lot less today too. Maybe tonight wont be so bad. We shall see.

Random Update

Teeth brushed, meds taken, toast eaten. Need a shave and a shower but I'm such a mess I'm paralysed by indecision, simply don't know which to do first. Such a completely irrelevant thing to have to decide. But my brain literally locks up when I'm like this and I end up unable to do anything. It all becomes so hard, so confusing. Going to lie down and hopefully a little rest will clear my head.

No More Tears

Think I'm all cried out now. Still hurting but hopefully a little more functional now. Damn. Just discovered I'm not cried out at all. I can't go on like this today. Have to pull myself together, not be such an idiot. Ok, I'm gonna make myself get out of bed, go downstairs, brush my teeth, then take my meds. Then we'll see how today is looking.

still the same

feeling sick. heart and stomach feel like theyre about to burst. shaking like a jelly. really hope i dont have to spend today on my own. had another hours sleep. but the tears still keep coming. i havent cried this much since, well, since ever. i dont want any more good days if i have to be like this afterwards. i cant cope with it. im too weak to do this. how can the human body take so much and still keep going?

today could quite possibly be my worst day yet. and that terrifies me.

no good

its no good. i wish i could sleep. iw ish i could sleep. just want tonight over with. so much pain why dont i explode. havent been as bad as this for a while. already thrown up. cant bear another night staring at the ceiling. cant stop the tears. i cant bear any of it. just want it all to go away. feel like im going mad. anyone else could cope with this. why cant i. i would never have believed i would be so weak, so pathetic. i deserve your contempt. am i relying on this blog to much. am i gettingg addicted to the temporary relief it brings. am i using it to revel in my suffering. i dont think i am. i dont believe i am. just typing helps ease the pain, even if its just for a little while. trouble is i know ill have to stop eventually and go back to staring into the dark. im so sorry for writing this. maybe i should have kept this all secret after all. that was the original plan. is it a mistake to let others see this crap? probably. but its done now. maybe its the cry for help here thats stop me making a cry for help suicide attempt. did you know twice as many women as men attempt suicide. did you know that 4 times as many men than women succeed in that attempt. this morning i was feeling ok. then suddenly i was imagining myself slashing my wrists. no idea where the thought came from but the days gone downhill from there. yesterday morning actually. look at the state of this gibberish. unreadable. just as well. am i really getting better or am i just getting better at hiding what im going through.

ok a little calmer now. emptying that lot out has helped. even if its just for a little while. just about ready to go back to the endless night now. probably blog again in a little while when it gets too much for me again

make it stop

hurting so bad. no. im not gonna do another self pitying whinge. i can get through this. its not so bad. not so bad. really. ill be fine. i will. i can do this. deep breaths.

the psychiatrist thing is killing me. still no idea ehen ill have to see him. i dont want to be sectioned. im not mad. maybe the counsillor just got confused. i cant be so bad ca i? all i need is sleep and i'll be fine. wish i could sleep

right again

yesterday was a good day. but all the while it was tempered by the knowledge of what would come next. sure enough today has been one long slide inti misery.

took phil and param to cosford for the cold war exhibition today. not really my thing but it would have been interesting enough im sure if my depression hadn't descended so heavily. thanks to the kindness and understanding of both phil and param ive made it this far tonight.

But now im here on my own, once again that sense of utter aloneness is overwhelming me and im coming apart at the seams again. want to curl up and die. really hope i die in my sleep. admitedly, the exceptionally tight time frame for that these days considering how little sleep i get makes it a hugely unlikely prospect. but i can hope. just for it all to be over with.

YAY!...with reservations

Just picked up my guitar and ENJOYED PLAYING IT! I enjoyed playing it so much I started crying. Maybe there is hope somewhere after all. I'm almost scared to hope that today might be a good day because I'm already starting to dread the crash that'll come after it.

So I'm miserable when I feel miserable, and miserable when I feel a little better. How fucked up is that?

Not Sure

Not sure how I feel today. Don't seem to be in too bad a shape. Don't really feel good either. If I can keep myself occupied today might not be so bad after all.

Left my phone behind accidently when I went out last night. Just noticed a missed call. Now it's preying on my mind. Really hope I haven't let anyone down.

feeling sick

feel sick and have a headache starting. one of the side effects of the meds is that they leave me with a permanent, sickly metallic taste in my mouth. once i start feeling a little sick it makes it hard not to puke. dont even really care if the headache gets bad today. nothing to do anyway.

getting really annoyed with this stupid book about recovering from depression. half a book of pointless waffle so far, telling me how useless drugs and therapy are. jesus did anyone bother to actually read this before recommending it?

want to just keep typing for something o do. just to pass some time. but i want to stop posting pointless rambles of self pity. boring people enough as it is.

Having Friends

It's very strange to think that I have friends who actually seem, not only to tolerate me, but actually like me a little. I know what a useless waste of space I am, how difficult I am to talk to, so why on earth are they willing to spend time with me?

I know that's largely the illness talking. The rational part of my brain can even see that I have qualities that might endear me to others. Unfortunately the rational part of my brain is not getting a lot of say lately.

I try not to take it personally when I ring someone and there's no answer, but it still feels like I'm deliberately being ignored. My rational brain can scream all it wants that there might be no one home, or people might be on the loo, or unable to answer for loads of reasons, but I still feel hopelessly rejected whenever it happens. I envisage people seeing my number come up on their phones and thinking "Not again! Sod it, I really don't need this". If anyone does truly feel like that just let me know and I'll leave you alone.

Bank holiday Monday tomorrow. People are going to be out doing stuff. Really don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I wish I could get interested in something, anything, that would help me pass the time. But depression has taken everything away from me. Everything. I have a horrible feeling that this week will turn out to be the toughest one to get through yet.

Trying Hard

Trying very hard to get used to just my own company again. Failing pretty miserably to be honest.

This morning went to Canon Hill Park just to have Phil and Param for company. They're both working there this weekend at the Childrens Book Bash event (that might not be it's exact name but close enough).

Once again I face a completely aimless afternoon. Nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to visit. I'm trying so hard to shake myself out of this and it just isn't working. Hurting so badly I could weep. Think I will actually.

No Change

Still feeling terrible. I did eventually get an hours sleep, can't say that it's helped a great deal. Still feeling anxious, over emotional, on the edge of tears. Really hoped I'd start to pick up after the last couple of days but it just isn't happening.

It feels like I'm locked in a vicious cycle with of being too depressed to get any sleep, and being depressed because I'm not getting any sleep. Anyone who says death isn't an answer clearly has no idea what the question is.

And yes, Chris, before you ask again, I am reading those books.

new lows

i seem to be finding some new lows at the moment. not a wink of sleep last night. feel so utterlt utterly exhasusted. just want to lie down and ... anything except stay awake really. my brain feels like its burning up. can barely hold my hea up. evreythings just too hard.

first time

for the first time i am completely unable to sleep at all. maybe its because i had to bottle things up so much last night. even now i still feel sick to my stomach. ok im not going to whinge and whine tonight. so i feel shit big deal. thats old news.

been lying in bed thinking about old girlfriends. all its really achieved is to remind me how much ive lost, how stupid ive been cutting myself off from the world for so long. trying and succeeding to not hurt myself at them moment. well, not hurting myself physically anyway. tonight ive had to promise someone not to do anything stupid. i guess that means no ginger wig and big clown shoes for me tonight.

slightly embarrassed

well i avoided totally humiliating myself by avoiding breaking down tonight. but only just. dont think i really fooled anyone. i was knotted up so bad i had to go to the loo to throw up halfway through the film. i want to go to bed now and never wake up again.

was the film any good? ive absolutely no idea.

Dying Inside

A big thanks to Doug and Cheryl for putting up with me today. I really would've been in pieces if I'd had to be alone. Tonight I'm meeting up with friends and going to the cinema.

And it really is going to be tough. I really am having to force myself to do this. The thought of going into Birmingham on a Saturday night is terrifying me. I don't know why it, but it is. I'm in a curl up and cry frame of mind but instead I'm going to make myself be around loads of other people and keep a smile on my face. I really hope I can do this without embarrassing myself.

nearly there

thats the worst of the night over with. headache starting now. going to toast it with pks before it gets a grip. probably toast my stomach lining as well but i really couldnt care less. i can't stay in again today.

i'll have a shower in a bit when i can do it without disturbing anyone. thatll probably help a bit.

6

6 more hours to go. right now i think would kill someone if it would let me sleep. i hope the psychiatrist prescribes sleeping pills. that would be nice. easy way to go too. i hate this blog. i hate having so little secrets. why do i do it? almost every single irrational bullshit thought ends up here. just take no notice. im rambling again. random stream of consciousness bullshit. dont expect any sense. just talking for the sake of it. fr something to do. anything to get through the night and the pain. i want to smash something up. i want to hurt myself with broken glass. i want to gouge my eyes out. not really. dont really know what im saying. the words are just splilling oyt. god no one should ever read this. all i have to do is not hit the publish post button. no one need ever see it. its just one big jumbled up paragraph anyway. no one can be bothered to read this surely. a mess of unbroken words like this would put anyone off. why do i even need to let anyone see it. i know im still going to post it anyway. that must mean i want people to see it really. i really am fucked up. i cant make sense of anything. dont know what else to say relly.

all done

so thats my nights sleep all done. nearlt 2 hours. thats not bad. nothing to do now but stare at the ceiling all night. i hate being me. it really is shite. can already feel the shakes setting in. Doug is picking me up at 9. just have to keep occupied for the next 8 hours.

im so tired. utterly worn out. would be so nice to be able to sleep. i miss sleeping so much. not just to get through the night. i never feel recharged anymore. just feel like an empty battery thats expected to miraculously keep producing electricity. dont know if i have any miracle juice left. supposed to dispose of batteries sensibly. i need to find a sensible way of disposing of myself. something painless and risk free that does no harm to the environment. thinking green right past the end.

i wish i could be more calculating about things. ideally before i go i could take out a huge loan and help out all my friends with it. but im too big a coward. when i do it it'll be quick and spontaneous. i certainly wont be making blog entries about it. suicide is supposed to be a cry for help. but this blog is largely one big cry for help i suppose. so why do i still want to die so badly? it really is all just too hard. too painful. sorry. stop now.

And So To Sleep Perchance ...

...to get more than 2 hours sleep. Yeah, I should be so lucky. Been a pretty dreadful day today. Tomorrow night I've planned to go see a movie with friends. I hope I can get my shit together because at the moment I'm dreading it. That's no reflection on my friends, just down to me being a wreck. I'm sure I'll be ok tomorrow.

Finally

Finally the headache has lifted. Still feel hopelessly down though. Tried playing video games to kill time but I just can't get interested. Meh, this is going to be just another whining, feeling sorry for myself entry. I'll go away.

Library

And another job done. Still shaking from the trip. Think it's fair to say today has been a bad day. How I'm going to get through tonight I really don't know.

My two books are called How To Lift Depression Fast and Overcoming Anxiety. I'm struggling to even read books I like at the moment. Quite how I'm going to plow through these is anybodies guess.

Sorry Again

Again I apologise for that last post. Painkillers are working their magic now and I'm coping again. Trying to decide if I'm up to going to the library after all. I think I need to try. If I stay here with nothing to do I have a horrible feeling that I'll backslide again.

thrice damned

dammit dammit dammit. falling apart again. crying again. feel sick to my stomach. if it wasnt for this fucking headache i think i might have ben ok this afternoon. i feel like drilling a hole in my skull to let the pain out.

halfway

managed a shave. headache is too bad at the moment so library will have to wait. going back to bed

FZ6

Ah, my beautiful FZ6. Yes I took the bike out for an hour. Glad to report that there's still something my illness hasn't taken away from me. I still get a thrill from riding. For the last hour I've almost managed to forget how shit my life is.

This afternoon it's time to get back on track. Have a shave and get to the library. Right now I need more painkillers and a lie down.

Bearable

Headache is bearable again now. So, sod shaving and sod the library. I'm off out on the bike.

Sorry

Sorry about that last post. Dried my tears and getting a grip again now. Right. Two things I have to do today. One is shave. The other is to get to the library. My councillor gave me a prescription for a couple of books (yes you read that right) that I have to collect from the library. Just need to find some get up and go from somewhere.

nothing

i have nothing. absolutely nothing. just a waste of space using up resources and other peoples time. no point me being here. no one needs me here. no one is really going to miss me much. its just pointless carrying on.

decisions, decisions

headache is really bad. so, do i overdo the painkillers again or lie in bed sobbing with pain and geting really down again. tricky one. i dont think. let me at those meds.

sound familiar?

little sleep. headache. the councillor gave me a number to ring at any time if i was feeling suicidal. hah. like i could phone a stranger and tell him i want to kill myself. i was told today that lying in bd when i cant sleep is the worst thing to do. unfortunately i hav no idea what else im supposed to do. right now i just feel like taking the contents of the medicine cabinet and being done with it all. good job im too big a coward to actually do it.

The Results Are In...

...and I'm officially at the severe end of the depression scale. Yes I saw the councillor today. After being interrogated for over an hour, I was told that I am pretty well fucked up. Not in exactly those terms obviously. As a result I will now have to see a psychiatrist. There are also various other help groups that I have to go to as well.

I am really beat up about this. I knew I was ill but it's a shock to find out just how ill. And the thought of having to see a psychiatrist absolutely terrifies me. Why I don't know. But I almost wish I'd never gone. Almost.

Absurd

This is absurd. At 1pm today I go for counselling. I'm going to talk to a bloke about exactly the same stuff I put here for all to see. He's going to try to help me, presumably. Yet as the morning marches on I'm getting more and more wound up.

I can't rationalise why it's bugging me. I'm not scared about it I don't think. There is no logical reason for getting stressed about it. So why am I starting to shake so badly?

here we are again

in bits. these long night are so hard, so painful. so tired. so very very tired.

counselling later today. i dont want to go. i dont know why. im not scared at the thought of it i dont think. its probably just another way of punishing myself. i have to go though. i have to.

if i was smarter i could make my thoughts into something coherent. i could make people understand with some clever phrasing. instead i just put down some meaningless rambling.

sitting here shaking, rocking backward and forward. dont know what to do with myself. all i seem to do is turn out self pity here. i wish i could be witty for you, wish i could give you deep insights into the nature of depression. all i can tell you is that i wish i was dead. people say that death isnt an answer. but anything is better than feeling like this for years to come. I envy the people who are strong enough to keep going feeling this way. part of me wishes i had that strength to carry on. part of me is glad i dont.

Fail Again

Well I stayed in all night...and ended up talking to someone online for most of the evening anyway which kind of defeated the point. Glad I did though. Well on the way to making an old acquaintance into a new friend. If I hadn't been talking to her I think I would've had to go out. And lets face it, I've abused my friends hospitality enough over the last few weeks. It'll be good if I can finally start giving them some breathing space.

Right Or Wrong

Forcing myself to stay in tonight. Not entirely sure if its the right thing to do or not. Got to force myself to get used to being on my own again. It's tearing me up but I have to try. I have to.

strain

its still a strain keeping a brave face on everything. trying to make myself take the bike out at the moment. so hard to make myself do anything. didn't even want to take my meds this morning just to punish myself. feels like im going insane.

tomorrow i go for counselling. i have big doubts about how much use this will be. as far as i can see ive already done evrything i should be doing to get through this. listen to me whine. sorry folks. i darent read this back to see how much i am moaning because i'll end up deleting it all. sorry for making you read this crap.

do not want

really dont want to do today. just wqnt to lie down and die. dont want to carry on like this. iys too hard. the human body should not be able to cope with this much pain. i wish it would kill me and be done with.hah. god im pathetic.

Middle Insomnia

Middle insomnia. Apparently it's far more common than I'd realised. It's making the nights pretty hellish to get through. Certainly it's not helping me get my shit together. When you're in pain and feeling so down anyway, not being able to stay asleep...well, you get the picture.

Dreading today. Absolutely dreading it. On the verge of tears already. Maybe things will be better later. I'm so angry with myself. I know this is an illness, but I feel so deeply that it's somehow my own fault that I've ended up like this. Sometimes the desire to hurt myself is almost overwhelming. But when I look at the fading marks on my leg I hate myself even more. This is all just too confusing for me.

Why did the emo kid get thrown out of the theme park? Because he was cutting in line. heh

Cronos

Sorry Dave, I didn't think much of Cronos. Too slow for me. Probably didn't help that I've been slowly losing it all night and have a splitting headache. Not ideal conditions for watching a film.

I was feeling a little optimistic earlier when I realised that sorting my finances out meant that, for the first time in a long while, I was looking beyond just getting through the next day. Now I'm wondering why I bothered. Just seems so little point if I have to be like this so often.

Running Out

Running out of coping juice. Everyone I know is back at work now. Knowing that I have no one to turn to is getting to me much worse than I thought it would. I really believed that I'd be ok today. For most of the day I have been. It's only now that I'm really starting to struggle.

I hate myself for being so weak. I now realise that that's where the desire to self harm comes from. A very strong sense of self loathing leads to a desire to punish oneself. It's a desire I still feel very strongly. I would never have believed I could end up so fucked up as this.

Painkiller Cocktails And Financial Gloom

Decided to kill the headache so I could do something today. This is my usual method for emergency headache treatment -4 paracetamol, 4 aspirin, 4 ibuprofen. Yes it's probably destroying major organs but I really am past caring.

Anyway, I decided to check my finances. I still have a little in the way of savings so I haven't been too worried. Unfortunately, despite reigning in my spending, I find I'm still using up more cash than I'm getting in benefits. Slowly but surely my reserve is vanishing. Until now I've found it really hard to care about money. Today I'm going to have to have a rethink about how I spend.

Wouldn't Have Been So Bad

Today wouldn't have been so bad I don't think if it wasn't for this damned headache. I really feel nothing like as bad as I was expecting. I even seem to have some appetite back. But the headache is keeping me pretty much flat on my back. Here's hoping the improvement continues.

Long Night

Been a long night. Managed a couple of hours sleep. The rest of the night I've been lying in bed feeling my guts slowly knot up. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I would never have believed that the pain could become so physical. My guts hurt, my heart hurts. And just to add insult to injury I have a bad headache starting too. I may not be doing much today.

Better

Today turned out to be a better day than I expected. Can't really figure out why. Felt myself getting a bit edgy as the evenings worn on but nothing major. It would be great if I could find reasons for my mood swinging so much, but there seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. Nowt to do now but get my hour of sleep and wait for the inevitable mood crash.

Lunchtime

Watched the latest Battlestar Galactaca episode. Tried to play Guild Wars but no one was online to play with so I lost interest. Starting to sink again now. Bah.

Back Home

Yep back home. And coping a little better at the moment. Guess it was the drive home in the sun that lifted me a little. Not quite sure what to do with myself for the rest of the day again. I'll think of something.

Going Home

I'll be heading off home in a couple of hours. Still down. Still wishing I was here on the bike. Still wishing I was dead. Sorry. I know I should delete that sentence but I promised myself I wouldn't try to edit my feelings here. Sorry. I know I'm being pathetic. No surprise that people don't want anything to do with me.

I'm feeling desperate to withdraw back into myself. Trying to fight against it but it's hard. Being around people is so difficult. It would be so easy to fall back on old ways.

Heh. Didn't think I had anything to say here. Didn't know what I would write about. It's funny how easily things start to flow once I start. Sometimes I even discover thoughts and feelings I didn't know I had. This is an embarrassing glimpse into my soul you're getting folks.

For The Sake Of It

If I'd been at home this weekend I think it's fair to say I would've been blogging a hell of a lot more. I really am at my wits end trying to deal with this. For the record, yes my mother does now know how bad things are for me. I even brought her a book along to help her understand. But in the end there's nothing she can do to help. The only people that can understand are people that have been through it.

The people that can help me I feel like I'm losing. I suppose I've been too needy. Hell, there's no suppose about it. I know I've been too needy. I've been a pain in the arse to anyone who would put up with me. People have shown me incredible kindness, but I guess I've pushed it too far. But ultimately, when it's 3 o'clock in the morning and I want to die, there is no one there I can turn to. I know people have said that I can call them whatever the time. But they have their own lives and their own problems.

In the end I'll have to do this alone. As I always have with everything else.

Stubborn

I have a stubborn streak. It's one of my better traits. Once I decide to do something it gets done. People might not like the way I do those things, but it will always get done. What I lack is the drive to want to do anything. That's why I need a kick in the pants now and again. What I don't need is kicking while I'm down.

Yesterday I had a shock to discover someone didn't believe in me enough to let me do things my own way. I understand why they did what they did. I know they believe they acted in my best interests. I forgive them completely. But they didn't believe in me. And it hurts. It hurts badly.

Looking out of my window at the Worcestershire countryside bathed in sunlight. I knew I should've come here on my bike. Dammit. Damn it all to hell.

Hoping

Really hoping the weather will let me take my bike to my mothers today. Part of me is hoping it won't. The depression has taken so much away from me - books, music, TV, games. There's no joy left in any of these for me. What happens if it's taken the bike away from me as well?

Sigh

Over the worst of things for today. Only problem I have now is that I can't sleep. Normally I have no problem dropping off, I just don't sleep for longer than an hour or two at a stretch. But tonight I simply am not tired. Cheryl suggested a relaxation exercise that sometimes helps her sleep. Unfortunately I've completely forgotten what it is.

Down

Managed to get an earlier appontment for counselling. 22 May. Today has been so bad. I feel sick. I want to ring someone but don't know who. I need to talk. But I can't bear to have anyone see or hear me like this. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope, how to carry on.

Sleeping

Still not been able to let go. When I lay down on my bed, instead of breaking up, I went to sleep instead. Sadly it hasn't helped. I still feel right on the ragged edge.

I've said before that this feels like living in a nightmare. It does in every way. Can't really make sense of anything. Every moment is filled with pain and despair. I keep hoping I'll wake up and be out of it, but it goes on and on relentlessly wearing me down. I've just forced myself to shave and the effort it took...unbelievable.

Got to try and decide if I go round to friends tonight or if I need to stay in. Really don't know if I can cope with either at the moment.

My Best Shot

Well I've given it my best shot today. Been around to friends, went for a little walk. And all the time I've been hanging on by a thread. Now I've had to come home before the thread snapped. Now I can just let go. Don't know if it's the right thing to do but I can't let anyone else see me like this. Nothing else I can do.

A Start

Managed to finally drag myself into the shower. It's so hard to manage even the most basic tasks. Now to get dressed and go over to Dougs. I think I can hang on enough now not to completely humiliate myself there.

Too Often

I've noticed I start posting much more often when things get bad. Even though I've got nothing to say. Really messed up at the moment. Don't want to be a bother to anyone, but don't want to be here alone either. Don't know what to do with myself. Better for everyone if I just go away. Can't believe I type things like that. Absolutely pathetic.

Going Nowhere

Not going to my mothers today. Can't go like this. Have to be tomorrow.

Confused

Well I know which way today is going now. And it's not good. Tried to hold it together this morning but I just can't. Completely falling apart. What more do I have to do? I've done evrything I can think of, I've talked to everyone, I've sought all the help I can get. And still I'm just completely disintegrating. I wish I could be stronger.

Raining

I was hoping to go down to my mothers on the bike today. Maybe if I leave heading out till later the rain will have dried up.

Think I may have had a few whiskeys too many last night trying to cope. I'm really not supposed to drink at all on this medication. Some days though...well, whatever it takes to get through.

Still feeling a bit twitchy this morning. Think today could go either way. Really hope the rain stops. I really want to take the bike. I badly want to take the bike.

mix

shit. the anti depressant alcohol mix has really fucked me up tonight. dont feel drunk but as soon as i lie down the room spins. really dont need this. need to try and stay awake i think.

Battle

Today has been a real battle. But, by and large, it's one I've won. Sure I had to get drunk to get through this evening but, considering how dreadful I've felt, keeping a smile on my face must be counted as a big success.

Going to my mothers this weekend. Hopefully the weather will be good enough to take the bike. Really not sure if I can tell her how bad the depression is. I know I should but it'll be the hardest thing yet that I have done.

I'm also finding it a bit weird knowing that so many people I care about are reading this. Everyone needs their secrets, but at the moment it feels like my life is an open book. It's creeping me out a bit. I still feel like I should be holding back a bit here. There probably are things I am holding back. But it's precious little.

I'm sure it's no coincidence that my darkest times are during the wee small hours when I can't sleep. I still believe that a god nights sleep will help my recovery no end.

Still Struggling

This is a bad day. Been out to get my prescription. Apparently Incapacity Benefit doesn't exempt me from having to pay. Watched the latest Battlestar Galactaca episode. No idea if it was any good or not. Struggling to keep going today.

I need a shave. And a shower. Damn this is so hard. Just to try to find a reason to even move. That's all for now I think.

crash

it had to happen. and i cant even bring myself to write how im feeling. youve read it all here before anyway. its impossible to explain how utterly alone i feel. doesnt matter how brilliant my friends have been. rational thinking has no place here when this gets a grip on me. god im so pathetic. pathetic . pathetic. pathetic. i dont even deserve happiness. nothing prepares you for how physically painful this is. this is turning into gibberish. stop now.

Still Ok

This afternoon had a pleasant walk around Wyre Forest near Bewdley. This evening a meal and a couple of drinks at a pub near Clent. I was starting to sink quite quickly earlier this evening, but once I was in the pub having a meal I started to pick up again. That's almost one and a half days of coping.

Starting to feel a bit low again now. I'm dreading the crash from this. Maybe it won't be so bad and I'm worrying about nothing. Fingers crossed.

Kicking In

Painkillers kicking in. Ready to face the day again. Looking forward to taking a walk later on. I've not really talked much about the headaches here. I was just going to talk about the depression. But as the headaches are certainly a key part of the cause of the depression it seems silly to avoid mentioning them.

splitting

splitting headache this morning. breakfast will be my cocktail of painkillers again. going over to the wyre forset with doug and cheryl later to walk their dog. hope ive got this headache under control by then.

Success

Well, I didn't get Cronos watched but only because I've been out since 2 this afternoon. Nailed my other 3 objectives though. Took Doug and Cheryl to fetch her new car. Later on they took me out for a meal at Frankie and Bennys, then on to a pub for a couple of drinks. What started out as a bad day ended up as an unusually good one. The problem will be when I come down from it.

My apointment for counselling is on June 12. Only another month to wait.

I've really missed having Param around for the last couple of days. Even if she is telling tales to my parents...

Getting A Grip Again

Ok. Getting on top of things this morning. Shaking worse than ever before but at least my head is in a much less dark place now. And the pain and despair in my heart and guts has lessened considerably which helps.

Forgot to mention that yesterday I had the letter to arrange an appointment for counselling. I did ring but he wasn't available and didn't ring me back as he was supposed to. I'll try again in a minute.

Accidently kicked psycho cat this morning. Hopefully she'll one day learn that sitting right behind doors is not a smart place to be.

Todays plan of action is-
phone to arrange counselling
watch new House episode
arrange DVDs
watch Cronos (on loan from Dave)

Lets see how far I get with that.

awake again

almost 2 hours sleep. amazing. feeling totally useless now. no point to me being here. im just taking up space while i wait around to die. i actually believe that some people might miss me if i wasnt here. doubt theyd miss me for long though.

ok get a grip smithy. my thing to do today will be to sort out and alphabetise my dvds. trivial but about all im up to today.

Back

Back from Gatwick. I expected an easy drive down with my brain floating in neutral, thought I'd have a fraught time waiting at the airport, and expected a fairly easy time driving back with four passengers for company.

What actually happened -
The drive down was a complete nightmare. Every truck I passed I just kept imagining myself swerving the car underneath it to be crushed. When I wasn't passing trucks I just kept wanting to continue driving until I ran out of road. For the first half hour I didn't actually think I could do it and almost turned back.

Surprisingly then, the wait at the airport was a doddle. Helped by the fact that my timing was near perfect so waiting was kept to a minimum, I had no problem here and was feeling pretty relaxed to meet Doug, Cheryl and co.

The drive back was about as expected. Started to get a bit of road hypnosis toward the end of the trip, but that vanished as soon as we hit the lighted section of motorway.

I really can't get a handle on this illness at all. It kicks me in the nuts when I least expect it and eases off when I most expect it. Apart from the times it does the exact opposite. Ah well, time for my hour of sleep.

A Quiet Day

Been a quiet day. Largely because I've just holed up in my bedroom for most of it. Partly because I needed some sleep before heading down to Gatwick tonight, and partly...well, old habits die hard.

Getting through today has been a bit of a battle. Once I'm on the road tonight and I can concentrate on driving things should get easier. Still a few hours to get through until then though. Then the dreaded wait alone at the airport.

I really can't bear the thought that all I have to look forward to is feeling like this day after day. Every single day is a fight, all the time just wearing me down. I'm not strong enough to be able to do this for long.

shit

already in trouble this morning. today is gonna be a bad day i think.

Awake

Awake. But somehow not properly awake. Still feel like if i go back to bed i might get more sleep. but i was just lying in bed completely unable to sleep. i wouldnt mind struggling to get to sleep if i stayed asleep when i got there. but oh no. one lousy hour at a time is all im allowed it seems.

Tonight I have to go down to gatwick to pick up Doug and co from the airport. when i volunteered to this it never occured to me that i'd have to sit around in an airport on my own waiting. then i was going to have Anna to be with but we all know why thats not gonna happen now (see post Losing Friends if you dont know). people have volunteered to come with me, but i have to bring 4 people back plus luggage and there simply isnt room for anyone else. i should be ok providing i dont get there too early and providing the plane isnt late.

ok back to bed now and hopefully if im very lucky another hours sleep.

Odd

Today has been an odd kind of day. I was ok this morning. This afternoon and evening not so good. Managed to keep myself occupied for most of the day. Even took the bike out for a little while earlier. It was while I was out that I felt myself beginning to lose it a little, so went home. Powerful motorcycles and suicidal tendencies are a dodgy mix.

Well time for my hours sleep. I reckon the first night I sleep properly will be my first real day of hope.

Smug

Heh. It was 3 minutes past 1 when I woke up. That was a pretty good guesstimate in the last post.

Not So Bad

Well, I've told my dad and stepmother the full truth about what I'm going through. It wasn't so bad in the end. It still feels very weird here, but it's definitely lifted a weight from my shoulders. I owe Param a lot for this. She's the one that has helped, encouraged, and downright bullied me when I needed it.

Still have to tell my mother though. I'm expecting a bit more drama there.

I'm about to head for bed knowing that I'll be wide awake by 1am. But tonight I'm not so worried about it. Today was definitely a better day.

The Google Of Death

It's not hard to find ways to kill yourself with the internet at your fingertips. When I saw the doctor yesterday he asked me as he was writing my prescription if I was thinking of taking an overdose. As if I would say yes even if I were. The problem is that now it's all I can think of.

Today I'm going to tell my parents how bad things are. Possibly the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

so tired

so very very tired. i can barely move. want to sleep for a year. sorry i know youve heard it all before. please please please let me sleep

Sinking Again

Bad morning, less bad afternoon and evening. Trouble is I know I'll have to spend most of tonight awake again. I can already feel my guts knotting up. Already starting to sink. I'm sure with a good nights sleep I could start to cope better.

Sick Note

Been to the quacks this morning to get another 8 week sick note. Needless to say I couldn't find the letter with the address I have to send it to. Phoned the benefits office and got the address. Popped the note in an envelope and all done.

That simple process that you would normally do without a second thought has absolutely shattered me. I cannot believe how exhausted I feel, how much sheer effort it took. Shaking like a leaf now. Need a lie down I think.

sinking feeling

its a long night when every night is either watching tv or staring at the ceiling. i always seem to sink as the night wears on. im sure if i could only get a good nights sleep it would me tremendously.

started dreaming while i was awake tonight. that was strange.

Insomnia

Had my one hours sleep. Even the Nytol doesn't help. At least I had some sleep during the day yesterday. I can tell the lack of sleep is beginning to affect me. Getting more difficult to keep control. More prone to mistakes. Concentration is all over the place. Getting bad tempered, more emotional.

What Was That?

Help? What kind of a post was that? Pitiful. I was having a bad night but I still can't believe I wrote that. Today hasn't been too bad though.

Had a wobble this afternoon when I took Phil to the supermarket. No idea why but I just couldn't cope in there. Never quite got control back for the rest of the day. Not feeling too bad now. Even slept a little this afternoon too. Thanks to everyone who rang me to check I was ok. Those calls meant a lot to me.

help

i wish

i wish i could sleep. i wish i could die

a plan

heres a plan. why dont i drive away everyone i care about. why dont i make sure everyone hates me. be insulting and obnoxious to people. i think ive already made a start. im so stupid and pathetic.

Losing Friends

Two people that I relied on to get me through some dark hours no longer want anything to do with me. And it's my own fault for being too weak and lonely to say no. I wont bore you with details, I'll just show the email that brought my day crashing down around my ears.

Just need to say goodbye i cant have u close its to complicated sorry to hurt u
Plz leave me alone i have told daniel what happened

Anna

To Anna and Daniel, if you do happen to check here, I wish you all the best.

Breakfast Of Champions

Took a shower and had my breakfast of pain killers and anti-depressants. I'm almost fit enough to face the day now.

Rough

Feeling rough this morning. Tired, headache, shakes. Later this morning I have my Pathways to Work interview. Quite what it's supposed to achieve when I'm going to be in no shape to pay attention I don't know. But benefits get cut if I don't attend so I'll go and struggle through.

As I can take someone to the interview, once again Param has agreed to come along. She really has been an incredible friend throughout this. In fact, all of my friends have proved to have hearts as big as planets. Thanks to you all. I doubt I could have made it this far without you.

an hour

slept for just over an hor. one lousy hour. howe is it even possible to be so tired and not sleep. my eyes feel like blackpool beach. my had is pounding. feel a bit dizzy. why cant i get some damn sleep

Stuck Again

Stuck for something to do tonight again. Nowhere to go, no one to see. Been a pretty rough day, but the kindness of Phil and Param once again got me through. Don't know what I'd do without you folks.

Don't know what else to say really. Hopefully tonight wont be so bad.

Sleepless

Can't sleep tonight. At all. Just watching TV. So tired.

Sunshine

Back from Gatwick. All went well and I met up with Anna for the afternoon. Had a very pleasant time sitting in the sun chatting. She's every bit as nice in real life as she is online.

Now I'm back and faced with a decision. Do I go out with friends or stay in on my own for the evening? Despite feeling ok, a night in might be a bad idea tonight. So off out to the cinema I go I think.

still no sleep

once again hardly slept. took some nytol earlier but its not helped. brain is going faster than ever. getting the shakes again too. cant believe what a wreck i am. need to pull myself together. people relying on me today.

A Better Day

Still felt twisted up inside today, but for some reason I've been able to deal with it better and be a vaguely normal human being. Largely thanks to Phil and Param letting me inflict my presence on them again. Thanks guys, you've been great.

Started to struggle a bit as the evening wore on but I still had it under control. Unfortunately as I was driving home tonight a voice that I think was me quite clearly said
"Just crash the fucking car and get it over with"
The moment passed as quickly as it came, but the damage was done. The control that I'd been so proud of all day utterly vanished.

I'm sitting here now fighting to regain control. At the moment the battle could go either way.

Tomorrow I'll be taking Doug and Cheryl to Gatwick airport. Once again I'll be out all day.

still going down

i was out all day yesterday. by the time i got back it was late and i was too tired. also i had so much in my head i couldve spent the night writing. but i couldnt organise my thoughts to make anything coherent anyway. this is turning into a ramble as it is.

thanks again to param for being there for me yesterday. i wish i couldve been better company but i really was struggling.

supposed to be going out today but i have no idea if its still happening.

last night instead of driving home i went to swan pool in sandwell valley. sat in the dark looking at the water and wondered what drowning was like.

sorry this post is a bit of a mess. in a bit of a state right now.

Funny

I have just read that Boris Johnson is the new London Mayor. It gave me the best laugh I've had in ages. Londoners voted that useless, half witted, cretin in! Hilarious. But then tragedy often is.

The Rethink Result

I've had my rethink. I have to apologise in advance to anyone who may get upset or offended by it, but I need this blog too badly. I won't be censoring my thoughts here. Expect more of the same. Sorry.

bad attack

bad attack of the horrors tonight. still averaging about 2 hours sleep a night. yet its still not leaving me feeling tired. not sure if its the depression or the meds. same with the lack of appetite.

ive been told that im strong for writing this blog. that its brave or courageous. to me it feels like cowardice. like weakness. looking back over some of the past posts, the word that continually crops up is pathetic. have to try harder to avoid it, trouble is its the word that best sums up how i feel most of the time.

A Rethink

Once again, in writing this blog, I've been responsible for someone I care about getting upset. I can't bear it that better people than me are being upset by it. I may have to rethink the whole project. Maybe I can still get some benefit from it if I just tone things down a bit? We shall see.

daily achievement

so far this morning i have managed to cry a lot. almost non stop in fact. cant see this afternoon being any better. no ones home to my calls. no one to talk to.

when i see how strong other people with worse problems than me can be i feelso pathetic.

tears and despair

seems like i used up all of my joy yesterday. nothing left today but tears and despair

mood crash

mood has crashed pretty badly. knew this would happen. feels like someone punishes me whenever i dare to feel a little better.

A Good Day

So a day that almost certainly would have been a disaster has ended up being one of the best days I've had in a long time. Thank you Param, for being there to hold my hand through my medical assessment and just generally being pretty wonderful for the rest of the day.

Confession

This is kind of a semi confession. Deep down I've known that I've been suffering with mild depression (if there is such a thing) for years. Being me, I bravely soldiered on with gritted teeth, slowly getting worse and worse, slowly hating myself more and more for not being able to deal with it better. Never getting help, never even acknowledging that I might be ill.

It's sad that I've had to let myself reach this breaking point before getting help. I can chart how it's progression has sped up in recent years simply by looking how I'd been cutting myself off from everyone.

Suffering with the headaches has also made it easy to use them as an excuse for problems that have been really down to the depression. Even to myself sometimes. Although I've told my family that I'm suffering with it, they still think that when I stay in bed all day it's always down to the headaches.

It's hard admitting this to myself. Even harder to put it here knowing others might read it. If only I'd sought help years ago.

On the plus side, I'm feeling a little more together right now. Also the painkillers have actually had some effect for a change and taken the edge off the headache. Maybe today won't be so bad after all.

tired

utterly tired. headache. cant think straight. i dont know

later

Confused

Fluoxetine is the anti depressant I am on which is basically Prozac. Before I went out tonight I googled fluoxetine overdose. If you survive an overdose the permanent effects look nasty. I didn't think I was feeling particularly suicidal and I wasn't really sure why I was looking that up. I doubt I'll try it though. No one seems even sure what the lethal dose is.

I think I'm in trouble folks. It was a struggle to drag myself out tonight with my father and brother. A few drinks certainly dulled the pain and I even quite enjoyed the evening in a strange kind of way. But underneath the alcohol I can feel myself falling apart again. Maybe the fact that I have to go into Birmingham tomorrow will help keep me focused. Maybe I'll feel ok in the morning anyway. But deep down I know I'm in trouble. Don't know how I'm going to get through the night.

When I saw the doc yesterday he offered me the option of seeing a psychiatrist and being sectioned. If things get as bad as I fear again I may have to take up that option.

This Afternoon

Had a nap for an hour. Not feeling so good now. Just had a shower, tried to pull myself together but the shakes are setting in. Tomorrow I have a medical assessment for my incapacity allowance. I really hope I can hold it together at least until then. Would be a nightmare having to go into Birmingham hanging on by a thread. Although it'll be a nightmare feeling like this tonight with my brother visiting too.