More Bastards

Last week we had someone attempt to break into the garage. Last night there was an attempt to steal my motorcycle. I've had a couple of motorcycles stolen in the past and it never really bothered me. Hell, I once got burgled and it was nothing but a minor inconvenience. But that was before my breakdown.

Nowadays the slightest thing knocks me down. Last nights little episode has really taken the wind out of my sails. I'm not functioning at all. Even switching the laptop on to write this was almost too much effort. It's pathetic that I can't cope with this trivial stuff anymore.

Colour

GREEN

You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature.

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Bastards

Some bastard has tried to break into our garage. Didn't even manage to get in, just buggered up the door. Bastards.

Sleepless In Sutton

Nothing much to say here. Glad these nights are so much less frequent than they used to be. Would take a sleeping pill but I doubt it'd help tonight. Just need to kill time and keep my mind off things.

People

I used to find it difficult to talk to people. Especially to ask for help. Then I had a complete breakdown. Following that it felt like all my walls were demolished. I felt raw and exposed. But it also left me with nothing to lose and, for the first time in my life, I really opened up to people. And I found that I liked it.

As I've crawled along the slow road to recovery, those walls have gone back up. I find it difficult to talk to people again. Even the people that I leaned on most heavily. And I hate it. I want to get that feeling back, without the desperation and suicidal tendencies obviously. But I just don't know where it's gone. I'd hate to think that in order to recover I've got to return to the way I used to be. Because I really never liked that person much.

Relief

Had a good few days so not much to say here at the moment. Been managing to find easy things to keep myself occupied with and now I'm going to put my feet up and relax for the rest of the day.

Bad Day At Alum Rock

Misleading title but it amused me. I did have t journey down to Alum Rock today but the damage was done by a trip into Erdington to pick up a form. I'm finding large numbers of people harder and harder to be around. Some days I can't make myself leave the house. I've never liked crowded places but used to be able to cope. Nowadays I just crumble. Pathetic.

Difficult

I often find it very difficult to write things that I really would like to here. I'm not particularly erudite or intelligent, and I have terrible communication skills. All of which makes it difficult for me to write what I would like in an intelligible, cohesive manner.

When I just needed the site to scream about what I was going through it wasn't a problem, I just let the pain out. Probably didn't read too well back then but it certainly helped me.

Now that the desire to just throw myself under a bus has faded significantly, I often find that I'd like to talk more about the details of depression. The problem is that I lack the skills to communicate the things in my head to others. Even if I can organise my thoughts beforehand, as soon as I begin writing it all turns into a jumble. I read other blogs with envy. Some people have a knack of making the most tedious trivia seem interesting.

So, basically, I guess this entry is a long, rambling apology for making long, rambling posts. Sorry folks.

Personality Test

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Books

Still in the process of moving stuff from West Brom at the moment. I knew I had a lot of books, but it wasn't until I began boxing them up that I began to understand just how many there were. I've had to be brutal and sling half in the direction of the local charity shop but even so I have no idea how I'm going to store what I want to keep.

Nightmare

Had a nightmare earlier. Can't recall the details but the panicked awaking I had got the adrenaline pumping and I couldn't get back to sleep. Hopefully I wont be up too long.

Stuck

The move went well. Now living in a decent 3 bedroom semi in Sutton Coldfield. Still loads to do but hopefully we're slowly getting on top of it all.

Somehow I've become stuck in the house today. I mean seriously unable to go out. Felt pretty down but just made myself some cheese on toast and feeling a bit better now. Really going to try and force myself out now. Wish me luck.