In The Evening

Just watched The Princess Bride with my mother. I think she actually enjoyed it.

I'm really starting to feel very low now. I can feel myself getting edgier, can feel my guts twisting up again. I hate being like this so much. Just to make matters more interesting, I've forgotten to bring my meds along. Ah well, one day without shouldn't do much harm.

Sunshine

Had a good ride down to my mothers on the bike in the sunshine. All quiet here in rural Worcestershire. This afternoon had a couple of hours sleep in the garden. Definitely taken the edge off my tiredness. Starting to feel a bit more down but nothing major.

An odd thing just occured to me. When I sleep during the day I nearly always seem to feel more miserable afterwards. Hmm. Have to think about that.

Didn't Bother

Didn't bother with a middle of the night post because I couldn't think of anything worthwhile to say and I wasn't miserable enough to need to pour my heart out either. Some people might think 4.15 is the middle of the night but for me its time to get up.

Today I'm going to visit my mother. Looks like the weather should be ok so I'll go on the bike. Also last night the exhaust on my car half dropped off. A couple of weeks ago that would've had me in bits but instead I just rolled my sleeves up and bodged it back on. With a bit of help from my father. If the worst comes to the worst I'll just get a new exhaust fitted. Hardly the end of the world.

Think overall I am improving. Don't push me too hard folks, I need to do this in my own time. Still feel so tired though. One good nights sleep would do wonders for me I'm certain.

Beyond

I am so far beyond tired this evening that I'm in another dimension. Had a pleasant evening out. I was so tired that it was almost impossible for me to have the energy to get stressed out. Quite how it's possible to even be awake like this, let alone functional, is a complete mystery. Sleep deprivation is a kind of hallucinogenic high I guess.

Anyway, time for bed said Zebedee.

Phone Call

Well, I had decided to stay in tonight, but a friend just rang and now I'm off out for the evening. Damn, I have some fantastic friends. Still can't understand why they want to hang around with me, but I'm not going to complain. Guess somewhere along the way I got some luck.

Up And Down Again

Yep been one of those days. I was actually a lot worse this morning than I realised. Been up and down since. This afternoon I fell aseep on a friends couch which was great, but afterwards I really began to sink. I feel so tired and low right now. Not quite sure whether I need to be on my own this evening or whether to see if anyones willing to put up with me for the evening. I'll get some food then decide I think.

3

Not entirely sure, but I think I've had about 3 hours sleep. 3 whole hours. wow. feeling a bit knotted up and horrible at the moment though. still, 3 hours. the odd thing is i feel even more tired than usual now. vryy strange.

Made It

Made it through this evening without any major trauma. Got a bit nervey but coped well I think and managed to enjoy myself. It does seem to me that I can expect that the way I feel at the moment will be my new baseline for normal. Maybe it'll be enough, maybe I will even improve on this. Who knows?

Okay...ish

Still doing ok today, kind of. I keep thinking I'm just a bit low and then suddenly getting the urge to burst into tears for no reason. Managed to keep a lid on it so far so I'm going to risk going out tonight. Wish me luck.

Down But Not Out

Feeling down today but a long way from the desperation I've been feeling. Pretty much nailed the headache with painkillers this morning so I'm ready to go. Trouble is I don't actually seem to have anywhere to go at the moment. This feeling of aimlessness, of having no purpose, is a big part of my problem.

Take It As Read

Can we just take it as read that I'm wide awake at 3 in the morning? Nothing to say really except I'm much improved. Headache though.

Another Day Survived

Got through the day in the end. Still feel in pain, but the utter despair is not quite so utter at the moment. The nervous shakes and twitches have been a lot less today too. Maybe tonight wont be so bad. We shall see.

Random Update

Teeth brushed, meds taken, toast eaten. Need a shave and a shower but I'm such a mess I'm paralysed by indecision, simply don't know which to do first. Such a completely irrelevant thing to have to decide. But my brain literally locks up when I'm like this and I end up unable to do anything. It all becomes so hard, so confusing. Going to lie down and hopefully a little rest will clear my head.

No More Tears

Think I'm all cried out now. Still hurting but hopefully a little more functional now. Damn. Just discovered I'm not cried out at all. I can't go on like this today. Have to pull myself together, not be such an idiot. Ok, I'm gonna make myself get out of bed, go downstairs, brush my teeth, then take my meds. Then we'll see how today is looking.

still the same

feeling sick. heart and stomach feel like theyre about to burst. shaking like a jelly. really hope i dont have to spend today on my own. had another hours sleep. but the tears still keep coming. i havent cried this much since, well, since ever. i dont want any more good days if i have to be like this afterwards. i cant cope with it. im too weak to do this. how can the human body take so much and still keep going?

today could quite possibly be my worst day yet. and that terrifies me.

no good

its no good. i wish i could sleep. iw ish i could sleep. just want tonight over with. so much pain why dont i explode. havent been as bad as this for a while. already thrown up. cant bear another night staring at the ceiling. cant stop the tears. i cant bear any of it. just want it all to go away. feel like im going mad. anyone else could cope with this. why cant i. i would never have believed i would be so weak, so pathetic. i deserve your contempt. am i relying on this blog to much. am i gettingg addicted to the temporary relief it brings. am i using it to revel in my suffering. i dont think i am. i dont believe i am. just typing helps ease the pain, even if its just for a little while. trouble is i know ill have to stop eventually and go back to staring into the dark. im so sorry for writing this. maybe i should have kept this all secret after all. that was the original plan. is it a mistake to let others see this crap? probably. but its done now. maybe its the cry for help here thats stop me making a cry for help suicide attempt. did you know twice as many women as men attempt suicide. did you know that 4 times as many men than women succeed in that attempt. this morning i was feeling ok. then suddenly i was imagining myself slashing my wrists. no idea where the thought came from but the days gone downhill from there. yesterday morning actually. look at the state of this gibberish. unreadable. just as well. am i really getting better or am i just getting better at hiding what im going through.

ok a little calmer now. emptying that lot out has helped. even if its just for a little while. just about ready to go back to the endless night now. probably blog again in a little while when it gets too much for me again

make it stop

hurting so bad. no. im not gonna do another self pitying whinge. i can get through this. its not so bad. not so bad. really. ill be fine. i will. i can do this. deep breaths.

the psychiatrist thing is killing me. still no idea ehen ill have to see him. i dont want to be sectioned. im not mad. maybe the counsillor just got confused. i cant be so bad ca i? all i need is sleep and i'll be fine. wish i could sleep

right again

yesterday was a good day. but all the while it was tempered by the knowledge of what would come next. sure enough today has been one long slide inti misery.

took phil and param to cosford for the cold war exhibition today. not really my thing but it would have been interesting enough im sure if my depression hadn't descended so heavily. thanks to the kindness and understanding of both phil and param ive made it this far tonight.

But now im here on my own, once again that sense of utter aloneness is overwhelming me and im coming apart at the seams again. want to curl up and die. really hope i die in my sleep. admitedly, the exceptionally tight time frame for that these days considering how little sleep i get makes it a hugely unlikely prospect. but i can hope. just for it all to be over with.

YAY!...with reservations

Just picked up my guitar and ENJOYED PLAYING IT! I enjoyed playing it so much I started crying. Maybe there is hope somewhere after all. I'm almost scared to hope that today might be a good day because I'm already starting to dread the crash that'll come after it.

So I'm miserable when I feel miserable, and miserable when I feel a little better. How fucked up is that?

Not Sure

Not sure how I feel today. Don't seem to be in too bad a shape. Don't really feel good either. If I can keep myself occupied today might not be so bad after all.

Left my phone behind accidently when I went out last night. Just noticed a missed call. Now it's preying on my mind. Really hope I haven't let anyone down.

feeling sick

feel sick and have a headache starting. one of the side effects of the meds is that they leave me with a permanent, sickly metallic taste in my mouth. once i start feeling a little sick it makes it hard not to puke. dont even really care if the headache gets bad today. nothing to do anyway.

getting really annoyed with this stupid book about recovering from depression. half a book of pointless waffle so far, telling me how useless drugs and therapy are. jesus did anyone bother to actually read this before recommending it?

want to just keep typing for something o do. just to pass some time. but i want to stop posting pointless rambles of self pity. boring people enough as it is.

Having Friends

It's very strange to think that I have friends who actually seem, not only to tolerate me, but actually like me a little. I know what a useless waste of space I am, how difficult I am to talk to, so why on earth are they willing to spend time with me?

I know that's largely the illness talking. The rational part of my brain can even see that I have qualities that might endear me to others. Unfortunately the rational part of my brain is not getting a lot of say lately.

I try not to take it personally when I ring someone and there's no answer, but it still feels like I'm deliberately being ignored. My rational brain can scream all it wants that there might be no one home, or people might be on the loo, or unable to answer for loads of reasons, but I still feel hopelessly rejected whenever it happens. I envisage people seeing my number come up on their phones and thinking "Not again! Sod it, I really don't need this". If anyone does truly feel like that just let me know and I'll leave you alone.

Bank holiday Monday tomorrow. People are going to be out doing stuff. Really don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I wish I could get interested in something, anything, that would help me pass the time. But depression has taken everything away from me. Everything. I have a horrible feeling that this week will turn out to be the toughest one to get through yet.

Trying Hard

Trying very hard to get used to just my own company again. Failing pretty miserably to be honest.

This morning went to Canon Hill Park just to have Phil and Param for company. They're both working there this weekend at the Childrens Book Bash event (that might not be it's exact name but close enough).

Once again I face a completely aimless afternoon. Nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to visit. I'm trying so hard to shake myself out of this and it just isn't working. Hurting so badly I could weep. Think I will actually.

No Change

Still feeling terrible. I did eventually get an hours sleep, can't say that it's helped a great deal. Still feeling anxious, over emotional, on the edge of tears. Really hoped I'd start to pick up after the last couple of days but it just isn't happening.

It feels like I'm locked in a vicious cycle with of being too depressed to get any sleep, and being depressed because I'm not getting any sleep. Anyone who says death isn't an answer clearly has no idea what the question is.

And yes, Chris, before you ask again, I am reading those books.

new lows

i seem to be finding some new lows at the moment. not a wink of sleep last night. feel so utterlt utterly exhasusted. just want to lie down and ... anything except stay awake really. my brain feels like its burning up. can barely hold my hea up. evreythings just too hard.

first time

for the first time i am completely unable to sleep at all. maybe its because i had to bottle things up so much last night. even now i still feel sick to my stomach. ok im not going to whinge and whine tonight. so i feel shit big deal. thats old news.

been lying in bed thinking about old girlfriends. all its really achieved is to remind me how much ive lost, how stupid ive been cutting myself off from the world for so long. trying and succeeding to not hurt myself at them moment. well, not hurting myself physically anyway. tonight ive had to promise someone not to do anything stupid. i guess that means no ginger wig and big clown shoes for me tonight.

slightly embarrassed

well i avoided totally humiliating myself by avoiding breaking down tonight. but only just. dont think i really fooled anyone. i was knotted up so bad i had to go to the loo to throw up halfway through the film. i want to go to bed now and never wake up again.

was the film any good? ive absolutely no idea.

Dying Inside

A big thanks to Doug and Cheryl for putting up with me today. I really would've been in pieces if I'd had to be alone. Tonight I'm meeting up with friends and going to the cinema.

And it really is going to be tough. I really am having to force myself to do this. The thought of going into Birmingham on a Saturday night is terrifying me. I don't know why it, but it is. I'm in a curl up and cry frame of mind but instead I'm going to make myself be around loads of other people and keep a smile on my face. I really hope I can do this without embarrassing myself.

nearly there

thats the worst of the night over with. headache starting now. going to toast it with pks before it gets a grip. probably toast my stomach lining as well but i really couldnt care less. i can't stay in again today.

i'll have a shower in a bit when i can do it without disturbing anyone. thatll probably help a bit.

6

6 more hours to go. right now i think would kill someone if it would let me sleep. i hope the psychiatrist prescribes sleeping pills. that would be nice. easy way to go too. i hate this blog. i hate having so little secrets. why do i do it? almost every single irrational bullshit thought ends up here. just take no notice. im rambling again. random stream of consciousness bullshit. dont expect any sense. just talking for the sake of it. fr something to do. anything to get through the night and the pain. i want to smash something up. i want to hurt myself with broken glass. i want to gouge my eyes out. not really. dont really know what im saying. the words are just splilling oyt. god no one should ever read this. all i have to do is not hit the publish post button. no one need ever see it. its just one big jumbled up paragraph anyway. no one can be bothered to read this surely. a mess of unbroken words like this would put anyone off. why do i even need to let anyone see it. i know im still going to post it anyway. that must mean i want people to see it really. i really am fucked up. i cant make sense of anything. dont know what else to say relly.

all done

so thats my nights sleep all done. nearlt 2 hours. thats not bad. nothing to do now but stare at the ceiling all night. i hate being me. it really is shite. can already feel the shakes setting in. Doug is picking me up at 9. just have to keep occupied for the next 8 hours.

im so tired. utterly worn out. would be so nice to be able to sleep. i miss sleeping so much. not just to get through the night. i never feel recharged anymore. just feel like an empty battery thats expected to miraculously keep producing electricity. dont know if i have any miracle juice left. supposed to dispose of batteries sensibly. i need to find a sensible way of disposing of myself. something painless and risk free that does no harm to the environment. thinking green right past the end.

i wish i could be more calculating about things. ideally before i go i could take out a huge loan and help out all my friends with it. but im too big a coward. when i do it it'll be quick and spontaneous. i certainly wont be making blog entries about it. suicide is supposed to be a cry for help. but this blog is largely one big cry for help i suppose. so why do i still want to die so badly? it really is all just too hard. too painful. sorry. stop now.

And So To Sleep Perchance ...

...to get more than 2 hours sleep. Yeah, I should be so lucky. Been a pretty dreadful day today. Tomorrow night I've planned to go see a movie with friends. I hope I can get my shit together because at the moment I'm dreading it. That's no reflection on my friends, just down to me being a wreck. I'm sure I'll be ok tomorrow.

Finally

Finally the headache has lifted. Still feel hopelessly down though. Tried playing video games to kill time but I just can't get interested. Meh, this is going to be just another whining, feeling sorry for myself entry. I'll go away.

Library

And another job done. Still shaking from the trip. Think it's fair to say today has been a bad day. How I'm going to get through tonight I really don't know.

My two books are called How To Lift Depression Fast and Overcoming Anxiety. I'm struggling to even read books I like at the moment. Quite how I'm going to plow through these is anybodies guess.

Sorry Again

Again I apologise for that last post. Painkillers are working their magic now and I'm coping again. Trying to decide if I'm up to going to the library after all. I think I need to try. If I stay here with nothing to do I have a horrible feeling that I'll backslide again.

thrice damned

dammit dammit dammit. falling apart again. crying again. feel sick to my stomach. if it wasnt for this fucking headache i think i might have ben ok this afternoon. i feel like drilling a hole in my skull to let the pain out.

halfway

managed a shave. headache is too bad at the moment so library will have to wait. going back to bed

FZ6

Ah, my beautiful FZ6. Yes I took the bike out for an hour. Glad to report that there's still something my illness hasn't taken away from me. I still get a thrill from riding. For the last hour I've almost managed to forget how shit my life is.

This afternoon it's time to get back on track. Have a shave and get to the library. Right now I need more painkillers and a lie down.

Bearable

Headache is bearable again now. So, sod shaving and sod the library. I'm off out on the bike.

Sorry

Sorry about that last post. Dried my tears and getting a grip again now. Right. Two things I have to do today. One is shave. The other is to get to the library. My councillor gave me a prescription for a couple of books (yes you read that right) that I have to collect from the library. Just need to find some get up and go from somewhere.

nothing

i have nothing. absolutely nothing. just a waste of space using up resources and other peoples time. no point me being here. no one needs me here. no one is really going to miss me much. its just pointless carrying on.

decisions, decisions

headache is really bad. so, do i overdo the painkillers again or lie in bed sobbing with pain and geting really down again. tricky one. i dont think. let me at those meds.

sound familiar?

little sleep. headache. the councillor gave me a number to ring at any time if i was feeling suicidal. hah. like i could phone a stranger and tell him i want to kill myself. i was told today that lying in bd when i cant sleep is the worst thing to do. unfortunately i hav no idea what else im supposed to do. right now i just feel like taking the contents of the medicine cabinet and being done with it all. good job im too big a coward to actually do it.

The Results Are In...

...and I'm officially at the severe end of the depression scale. Yes I saw the councillor today. After being interrogated for over an hour, I was told that I am pretty well fucked up. Not in exactly those terms obviously. As a result I will now have to see a psychiatrist. There are also various other help groups that I have to go to as well.

I am really beat up about this. I knew I was ill but it's a shock to find out just how ill. And the thought of having to see a psychiatrist absolutely terrifies me. Why I don't know. But I almost wish I'd never gone. Almost.

Absurd

This is absurd. At 1pm today I go for counselling. I'm going to talk to a bloke about exactly the same stuff I put here for all to see. He's going to try to help me, presumably. Yet as the morning marches on I'm getting more and more wound up.

I can't rationalise why it's bugging me. I'm not scared about it I don't think. There is no logical reason for getting stressed about it. So why am I starting to shake so badly?

here we are again

in bits. these long night are so hard, so painful. so tired. so very very tired.

counselling later today. i dont want to go. i dont know why. im not scared at the thought of it i dont think. its probably just another way of punishing myself. i have to go though. i have to.

if i was smarter i could make my thoughts into something coherent. i could make people understand with some clever phrasing. instead i just put down some meaningless rambling.

sitting here shaking, rocking backward and forward. dont know what to do with myself. all i seem to do is turn out self pity here. i wish i could be witty for you, wish i could give you deep insights into the nature of depression. all i can tell you is that i wish i was dead. people say that death isnt an answer. but anything is better than feeling like this for years to come. I envy the people who are strong enough to keep going feeling this way. part of me wishes i had that strength to carry on. part of me is glad i dont.

Fail Again

Well I stayed in all night...and ended up talking to someone online for most of the evening anyway which kind of defeated the point. Glad I did though. Well on the way to making an old acquaintance into a new friend. If I hadn't been talking to her I think I would've had to go out. And lets face it, I've abused my friends hospitality enough over the last few weeks. It'll be good if I can finally start giving them some breathing space.

Right Or Wrong

Forcing myself to stay in tonight. Not entirely sure if its the right thing to do or not. Got to force myself to get used to being on my own again. It's tearing me up but I have to try. I have to.

strain

its still a strain keeping a brave face on everything. trying to make myself take the bike out at the moment. so hard to make myself do anything. didn't even want to take my meds this morning just to punish myself. feels like im going insane.

tomorrow i go for counselling. i have big doubts about how much use this will be. as far as i can see ive already done evrything i should be doing to get through this. listen to me whine. sorry folks. i darent read this back to see how much i am moaning because i'll end up deleting it all. sorry for making you read this crap.

do not want

really dont want to do today. just wqnt to lie down and die. dont want to carry on like this. iys too hard. the human body should not be able to cope with this much pain. i wish it would kill me and be done with.hah. god im pathetic.

Middle Insomnia

Middle insomnia. Apparently it's far more common than I'd realised. It's making the nights pretty hellish to get through. Certainly it's not helping me get my shit together. When you're in pain and feeling so down anyway, not being able to stay asleep...well, you get the picture.

Dreading today. Absolutely dreading it. On the verge of tears already. Maybe things will be better later. I'm so angry with myself. I know this is an illness, but I feel so deeply that it's somehow my own fault that I've ended up like this. Sometimes the desire to hurt myself is almost overwhelming. But when I look at the fading marks on my leg I hate myself even more. This is all just too confusing for me.

Why did the emo kid get thrown out of the theme park? Because he was cutting in line. heh

Cronos

Sorry Dave, I didn't think much of Cronos. Too slow for me. Probably didn't help that I've been slowly losing it all night and have a splitting headache. Not ideal conditions for watching a film.

I was feeling a little optimistic earlier when I realised that sorting my finances out meant that, for the first time in a long while, I was looking beyond just getting through the next day. Now I'm wondering why I bothered. Just seems so little point if I have to be like this so often.

Running Out

Running out of coping juice. Everyone I know is back at work now. Knowing that I have no one to turn to is getting to me much worse than I thought it would. I really believed that I'd be ok today. For most of the day I have been. It's only now that I'm really starting to struggle.

I hate myself for being so weak. I now realise that that's where the desire to self harm comes from. A very strong sense of self loathing leads to a desire to punish oneself. It's a desire I still feel very strongly. I would never have believed I could end up so fucked up as this.

Painkiller Cocktails And Financial Gloom

Decided to kill the headache so I could do something today. This is my usual method for emergency headache treatment -4 paracetamol, 4 aspirin, 4 ibuprofen. Yes it's probably destroying major organs but I really am past caring.

Anyway, I decided to check my finances. I still have a little in the way of savings so I haven't been too worried. Unfortunately, despite reigning in my spending, I find I'm still using up more cash than I'm getting in benefits. Slowly but surely my reserve is vanishing. Until now I've found it really hard to care about money. Today I'm going to have to have a rethink about how I spend.

Wouldn't Have Been So Bad

Today wouldn't have been so bad I don't think if it wasn't for this damned headache. I really feel nothing like as bad as I was expecting. I even seem to have some appetite back. But the headache is keeping me pretty much flat on my back. Here's hoping the improvement continues.

Long Night

Been a long night. Managed a couple of hours sleep. The rest of the night I've been lying in bed feeling my guts slowly knot up. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I would never have believed that the pain could become so physical. My guts hurt, my heart hurts. And just to add insult to injury I have a bad headache starting too. I may not be doing much today.

Better

Today turned out to be a better day than I expected. Can't really figure out why. Felt myself getting a bit edgy as the evenings worn on but nothing major. It would be great if I could find reasons for my mood swinging so much, but there seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. Nowt to do now but get my hour of sleep and wait for the inevitable mood crash.

Lunchtime

Watched the latest Battlestar Galactaca episode. Tried to play Guild Wars but no one was online to play with so I lost interest. Starting to sink again now. Bah.

Back Home

Yep back home. And coping a little better at the moment. Guess it was the drive home in the sun that lifted me a little. Not quite sure what to do with myself for the rest of the day again. I'll think of something.

Going Home

I'll be heading off home in a couple of hours. Still down. Still wishing I was here on the bike. Still wishing I was dead. Sorry. I know I should delete that sentence but I promised myself I wouldn't try to edit my feelings here. Sorry. I know I'm being pathetic. No surprise that people don't want anything to do with me.

I'm feeling desperate to withdraw back into myself. Trying to fight against it but it's hard. Being around people is so difficult. It would be so easy to fall back on old ways.

Heh. Didn't think I had anything to say here. Didn't know what I would write about. It's funny how easily things start to flow once I start. Sometimes I even discover thoughts and feelings I didn't know I had. This is an embarrassing glimpse into my soul you're getting folks.

For The Sake Of It

If I'd been at home this weekend I think it's fair to say I would've been blogging a hell of a lot more. I really am at my wits end trying to deal with this. For the record, yes my mother does now know how bad things are for me. I even brought her a book along to help her understand. But in the end there's nothing she can do to help. The only people that can understand are people that have been through it.

The people that can help me I feel like I'm losing. I suppose I've been too needy. Hell, there's no suppose about it. I know I've been too needy. I've been a pain in the arse to anyone who would put up with me. People have shown me incredible kindness, but I guess I've pushed it too far. But ultimately, when it's 3 o'clock in the morning and I want to die, there is no one there I can turn to. I know people have said that I can call them whatever the time. But they have their own lives and their own problems.

In the end I'll have to do this alone. As I always have with everything else.

Stubborn

I have a stubborn streak. It's one of my better traits. Once I decide to do something it gets done. People might not like the way I do those things, but it will always get done. What I lack is the drive to want to do anything. That's why I need a kick in the pants now and again. What I don't need is kicking while I'm down.

Yesterday I had a shock to discover someone didn't believe in me enough to let me do things my own way. I understand why they did what they did. I know they believe they acted in my best interests. I forgive them completely. But they didn't believe in me. And it hurts. It hurts badly.

Looking out of my window at the Worcestershire countryside bathed in sunlight. I knew I should've come here on my bike. Dammit. Damn it all to hell.

Hoping

Really hoping the weather will let me take my bike to my mothers today. Part of me is hoping it won't. The depression has taken so much away from me - books, music, TV, games. There's no joy left in any of these for me. What happens if it's taken the bike away from me as well?

Sigh

Over the worst of things for today. Only problem I have now is that I can't sleep. Normally I have no problem dropping off, I just don't sleep for longer than an hour or two at a stretch. But tonight I simply am not tired. Cheryl suggested a relaxation exercise that sometimes helps her sleep. Unfortunately I've completely forgotten what it is.

Down

Managed to get an earlier appontment for counselling. 22 May. Today has been so bad. I feel sick. I want to ring someone but don't know who. I need to talk. But I can't bear to have anyone see or hear me like this. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope, how to carry on.

Sleeping

Still not been able to let go. When I lay down on my bed, instead of breaking up, I went to sleep instead. Sadly it hasn't helped. I still feel right on the ragged edge.

I've said before that this feels like living in a nightmare. It does in every way. Can't really make sense of anything. Every moment is filled with pain and despair. I keep hoping I'll wake up and be out of it, but it goes on and on relentlessly wearing me down. I've just forced myself to shave and the effort it took...unbelievable.

Got to try and decide if I go round to friends tonight or if I need to stay in. Really don't know if I can cope with either at the moment.

My Best Shot

Well I've given it my best shot today. Been around to friends, went for a little walk. And all the time I've been hanging on by a thread. Now I've had to come home before the thread snapped. Now I can just let go. Don't know if it's the right thing to do but I can't let anyone else see me like this. Nothing else I can do.

A Start

Managed to finally drag myself into the shower. It's so hard to manage even the most basic tasks. Now to get dressed and go over to Dougs. I think I can hang on enough now not to completely humiliate myself there.

Too Often

I've noticed I start posting much more often when things get bad. Even though I've got nothing to say. Really messed up at the moment. Don't want to be a bother to anyone, but don't want to be here alone either. Don't know what to do with myself. Better for everyone if I just go away. Can't believe I type things like that. Absolutely pathetic.

Going Nowhere

Not going to my mothers today. Can't go like this. Have to be tomorrow.

Confused

Well I know which way today is going now. And it's not good. Tried to hold it together this morning but I just can't. Completely falling apart. What more do I have to do? I've done evrything I can think of, I've talked to everyone, I've sought all the help I can get. And still I'm just completely disintegrating. I wish I could be stronger.

Raining

I was hoping to go down to my mothers on the bike today. Maybe if I leave heading out till later the rain will have dried up.

Think I may have had a few whiskeys too many last night trying to cope. I'm really not supposed to drink at all on this medication. Some days though...well, whatever it takes to get through.

Still feeling a bit twitchy this morning. Think today could go either way. Really hope the rain stops. I really want to take the bike. I badly want to take the bike.

mix

shit. the anti depressant alcohol mix has really fucked me up tonight. dont feel drunk but as soon as i lie down the room spins. really dont need this. need to try and stay awake i think.

Battle

Today has been a real battle. But, by and large, it's one I've won. Sure I had to get drunk to get through this evening but, considering how dreadful I've felt, keeping a smile on my face must be counted as a big success.

Going to my mothers this weekend. Hopefully the weather will be good enough to take the bike. Really not sure if I can tell her how bad the depression is. I know I should but it'll be the hardest thing yet that I have done.

I'm also finding it a bit weird knowing that so many people I care about are reading this. Everyone needs their secrets, but at the moment it feels like my life is an open book. It's creeping me out a bit. I still feel like I should be holding back a bit here. There probably are things I am holding back. But it's precious little.

I'm sure it's no coincidence that my darkest times are during the wee small hours when I can't sleep. I still believe that a god nights sleep will help my recovery no end.

Still Struggling

This is a bad day. Been out to get my prescription. Apparently Incapacity Benefit doesn't exempt me from having to pay. Watched the latest Battlestar Galactaca episode. No idea if it was any good or not. Struggling to keep going today.

I need a shave. And a shower. Damn this is so hard. Just to try to find a reason to even move. That's all for now I think.

crash

it had to happen. and i cant even bring myself to write how im feeling. youve read it all here before anyway. its impossible to explain how utterly alone i feel. doesnt matter how brilliant my friends have been. rational thinking has no place here when this gets a grip on me. god im so pathetic. pathetic . pathetic. pathetic. i dont even deserve happiness. nothing prepares you for how physically painful this is. this is turning into gibberish. stop now.

Still Ok

This afternoon had a pleasant walk around Wyre Forest near Bewdley. This evening a meal and a couple of drinks at a pub near Clent. I was starting to sink quite quickly earlier this evening, but once I was in the pub having a meal I started to pick up again. That's almost one and a half days of coping.

Starting to feel a bit low again now. I'm dreading the crash from this. Maybe it won't be so bad and I'm worrying about nothing. Fingers crossed.

Kicking In

Painkillers kicking in. Ready to face the day again. Looking forward to taking a walk later on. I've not really talked much about the headaches here. I was just going to talk about the depression. But as the headaches are certainly a key part of the cause of the depression it seems silly to avoid mentioning them.

splitting

splitting headache this morning. breakfast will be my cocktail of painkillers again. going over to the wyre forset with doug and cheryl later to walk their dog. hope ive got this headache under control by then.

Success

Well, I didn't get Cronos watched but only because I've been out since 2 this afternoon. Nailed my other 3 objectives though. Took Doug and Cheryl to fetch her new car. Later on they took me out for a meal at Frankie and Bennys, then on to a pub for a couple of drinks. What started out as a bad day ended up as an unusually good one. The problem will be when I come down from it.

My apointment for counselling is on June 12. Only another month to wait.

I've really missed having Param around for the last couple of days. Even if she is telling tales to my parents...

Getting A Grip Again

Ok. Getting on top of things this morning. Shaking worse than ever before but at least my head is in a much less dark place now. And the pain and despair in my heart and guts has lessened considerably which helps.

Forgot to mention that yesterday I had the letter to arrange an appointment for counselling. I did ring but he wasn't available and didn't ring me back as he was supposed to. I'll try again in a minute.

Accidently kicked psycho cat this morning. Hopefully she'll one day learn that sitting right behind doors is not a smart place to be.

Todays plan of action is-
phone to arrange counselling
watch new House episode
arrange DVDs
watch Cronos (on loan from Dave)

Lets see how far I get with that.

awake again

almost 2 hours sleep. amazing. feeling totally useless now. no point to me being here. im just taking up space while i wait around to die. i actually believe that some people might miss me if i wasnt here. doubt theyd miss me for long though.

ok get a grip smithy. my thing to do today will be to sort out and alphabetise my dvds. trivial but about all im up to today.

Back

Back from Gatwick. I expected an easy drive down with my brain floating in neutral, thought I'd have a fraught time waiting at the airport, and expected a fairly easy time driving back with four passengers for company.

What actually happened -
The drive down was a complete nightmare. Every truck I passed I just kept imagining myself swerving the car underneath it to be crushed. When I wasn't passing trucks I just kept wanting to continue driving until I ran out of road. For the first half hour I didn't actually think I could do it and almost turned back.

Surprisingly then, the wait at the airport was a doddle. Helped by the fact that my timing was near perfect so waiting was kept to a minimum, I had no problem here and was feeling pretty relaxed to meet Doug, Cheryl and co.

The drive back was about as expected. Started to get a bit of road hypnosis toward the end of the trip, but that vanished as soon as we hit the lighted section of motorway.

I really can't get a handle on this illness at all. It kicks me in the nuts when I least expect it and eases off when I most expect it. Apart from the times it does the exact opposite. Ah well, time for my hour of sleep.

A Quiet Day

Been a quiet day. Largely because I've just holed up in my bedroom for most of it. Partly because I needed some sleep before heading down to Gatwick tonight, and partly...well, old habits die hard.

Getting through today has been a bit of a battle. Once I'm on the road tonight and I can concentrate on driving things should get easier. Still a few hours to get through until then though. Then the dreaded wait alone at the airport.

I really can't bear the thought that all I have to look forward to is feeling like this day after day. Every single day is a fight, all the time just wearing me down. I'm not strong enough to be able to do this for long.

shit

already in trouble this morning. today is gonna be a bad day i think.

Awake

Awake. But somehow not properly awake. Still feel like if i go back to bed i might get more sleep. but i was just lying in bed completely unable to sleep. i wouldnt mind struggling to get to sleep if i stayed asleep when i got there. but oh no. one lousy hour at a time is all im allowed it seems.

Tonight I have to go down to gatwick to pick up Doug and co from the airport. when i volunteered to this it never occured to me that i'd have to sit around in an airport on my own waiting. then i was going to have Anna to be with but we all know why thats not gonna happen now (see post Losing Friends if you dont know). people have volunteered to come with me, but i have to bring 4 people back plus luggage and there simply isnt room for anyone else. i should be ok providing i dont get there too early and providing the plane isnt late.

ok back to bed now and hopefully if im very lucky another hours sleep.

Odd

Today has been an odd kind of day. I was ok this morning. This afternoon and evening not so good. Managed to keep myself occupied for most of the day. Even took the bike out for a little while earlier. It was while I was out that I felt myself beginning to lose it a little, so went home. Powerful motorcycles and suicidal tendencies are a dodgy mix.

Well time for my hours sleep. I reckon the first night I sleep properly will be my first real day of hope.

Smug

Heh. It was 3 minutes past 1 when I woke up. That was a pretty good guesstimate in the last post.

Not So Bad

Well, I've told my dad and stepmother the full truth about what I'm going through. It wasn't so bad in the end. It still feels very weird here, but it's definitely lifted a weight from my shoulders. I owe Param a lot for this. She's the one that has helped, encouraged, and downright bullied me when I needed it.

Still have to tell my mother though. I'm expecting a bit more drama there.

I'm about to head for bed knowing that I'll be wide awake by 1am. But tonight I'm not so worried about it. Today was definitely a better day.

The Google Of Death

It's not hard to find ways to kill yourself with the internet at your fingertips. When I saw the doctor yesterday he asked me as he was writing my prescription if I was thinking of taking an overdose. As if I would say yes even if I were. The problem is that now it's all I can think of.

Today I'm going to tell my parents how bad things are. Possibly the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

so tired

so very very tired. i can barely move. want to sleep for a year. sorry i know youve heard it all before. please please please let me sleep

Sinking Again

Bad morning, less bad afternoon and evening. Trouble is I know I'll have to spend most of tonight awake again. I can already feel my guts knotting up. Already starting to sink. I'm sure with a good nights sleep I could start to cope better.

Sick Note

Been to the quacks this morning to get another 8 week sick note. Needless to say I couldn't find the letter with the address I have to send it to. Phoned the benefits office and got the address. Popped the note in an envelope and all done.

That simple process that you would normally do without a second thought has absolutely shattered me. I cannot believe how exhausted I feel, how much sheer effort it took. Shaking like a leaf now. Need a lie down I think.

sinking feeling

its a long night when every night is either watching tv or staring at the ceiling. i always seem to sink as the night wears on. im sure if i could only get a good nights sleep it would me tremendously.

started dreaming while i was awake tonight. that was strange.

Insomnia

Had my one hours sleep. Even the Nytol doesn't help. At least I had some sleep during the day yesterday. I can tell the lack of sleep is beginning to affect me. Getting more difficult to keep control. More prone to mistakes. Concentration is all over the place. Getting bad tempered, more emotional.

What Was That?

Help? What kind of a post was that? Pitiful. I was having a bad night but I still can't believe I wrote that. Today hasn't been too bad though.

Had a wobble this afternoon when I took Phil to the supermarket. No idea why but I just couldn't cope in there. Never quite got control back for the rest of the day. Not feeling too bad now. Even slept a little this afternoon too. Thanks to everyone who rang me to check I was ok. Those calls meant a lot to me.

help

i wish

i wish i could sleep. i wish i could die

a plan

heres a plan. why dont i drive away everyone i care about. why dont i make sure everyone hates me. be insulting and obnoxious to people. i think ive already made a start. im so stupid and pathetic.

Losing Friends

Two people that I relied on to get me through some dark hours no longer want anything to do with me. And it's my own fault for being too weak and lonely to say no. I wont bore you with details, I'll just show the email that brought my day crashing down around my ears.

Just need to say goodbye i cant have u close its to complicated sorry to hurt u
Plz leave me alone i have told daniel what happened

Anna

To Anna and Daniel, if you do happen to check here, I wish you all the best.

Breakfast Of Champions

Took a shower and had my breakfast of pain killers and anti-depressants. I'm almost fit enough to face the day now.

Rough

Feeling rough this morning. Tired, headache, shakes. Later this morning I have my Pathways to Work interview. Quite what it's supposed to achieve when I'm going to be in no shape to pay attention I don't know. But benefits get cut if I don't attend so I'll go and struggle through.

As I can take someone to the interview, once again Param has agreed to come along. She really has been an incredible friend throughout this. In fact, all of my friends have proved to have hearts as big as planets. Thanks to you all. I doubt I could have made it this far without you.

an hour

slept for just over an hor. one lousy hour. howe is it even possible to be so tired and not sleep. my eyes feel like blackpool beach. my had is pounding. feel a bit dizzy. why cant i get some damn sleep

Stuck Again

Stuck for something to do tonight again. Nowhere to go, no one to see. Been a pretty rough day, but the kindness of Phil and Param once again got me through. Don't know what I'd do without you folks.

Don't know what else to say really. Hopefully tonight wont be so bad.

Sleepless

Can't sleep tonight. At all. Just watching TV. So tired.

Sunshine

Back from Gatwick. All went well and I met up with Anna for the afternoon. Had a very pleasant time sitting in the sun chatting. She's every bit as nice in real life as she is online.

Now I'm back and faced with a decision. Do I go out with friends or stay in on my own for the evening? Despite feeling ok, a night in might be a bad idea tonight. So off out to the cinema I go I think.

still no sleep

once again hardly slept. took some nytol earlier but its not helped. brain is going faster than ever. getting the shakes again too. cant believe what a wreck i am. need to pull myself together. people relying on me today.

A Better Day

Still felt twisted up inside today, but for some reason I've been able to deal with it better and be a vaguely normal human being. Largely thanks to Phil and Param letting me inflict my presence on them again. Thanks guys, you've been great.

Started to struggle a bit as the evening wore on but I still had it under control. Unfortunately as I was driving home tonight a voice that I think was me quite clearly said
"Just crash the fucking car and get it over with"
The moment passed as quickly as it came, but the damage was done. The control that I'd been so proud of all day utterly vanished.

I'm sitting here now fighting to regain control. At the moment the battle could go either way.

Tomorrow I'll be taking Doug and Cheryl to Gatwick airport. Once again I'll be out all day.

still going down

i was out all day yesterday. by the time i got back it was late and i was too tired. also i had so much in my head i couldve spent the night writing. but i couldnt organise my thoughts to make anything coherent anyway. this is turning into a ramble as it is.

thanks again to param for being there for me yesterday. i wish i couldve been better company but i really was struggling.

supposed to be going out today but i have no idea if its still happening.

last night instead of driving home i went to swan pool in sandwell valley. sat in the dark looking at the water and wondered what drowning was like.

sorry this post is a bit of a mess. in a bit of a state right now.

Funny

I have just read that Boris Johnson is the new London Mayor. It gave me the best laugh I've had in ages. Londoners voted that useless, half witted, cretin in! Hilarious. But then tragedy often is.

The Rethink Result

I've had my rethink. I have to apologise in advance to anyone who may get upset or offended by it, but I need this blog too badly. I won't be censoring my thoughts here. Expect more of the same. Sorry.

bad attack

bad attack of the horrors tonight. still averaging about 2 hours sleep a night. yet its still not leaving me feeling tired. not sure if its the depression or the meds. same with the lack of appetite.

ive been told that im strong for writing this blog. that its brave or courageous. to me it feels like cowardice. like weakness. looking back over some of the past posts, the word that continually crops up is pathetic. have to try harder to avoid it, trouble is its the word that best sums up how i feel most of the time.

A Rethink

Once again, in writing this blog, I've been responsible for someone I care about getting upset. I can't bear it that better people than me are being upset by it. I may have to rethink the whole project. Maybe I can still get some benefit from it if I just tone things down a bit? We shall see.

daily achievement

so far this morning i have managed to cry a lot. almost non stop in fact. cant see this afternoon being any better. no ones home to my calls. no one to talk to.

when i see how strong other people with worse problems than me can be i feelso pathetic.

tears and despair

seems like i used up all of my joy yesterday. nothing left today but tears and despair

mood crash

mood has crashed pretty badly. knew this would happen. feels like someone punishes me whenever i dare to feel a little better.

A Good Day

So a day that almost certainly would have been a disaster has ended up being one of the best days I've had in a long time. Thank you Param, for being there to hold my hand through my medical assessment and just generally being pretty wonderful for the rest of the day.

Confession

This is kind of a semi confession. Deep down I've known that I've been suffering with mild depression (if there is such a thing) for years. Being me, I bravely soldiered on with gritted teeth, slowly getting worse and worse, slowly hating myself more and more for not being able to deal with it better. Never getting help, never even acknowledging that I might be ill.

It's sad that I've had to let myself reach this breaking point before getting help. I can chart how it's progression has sped up in recent years simply by looking how I'd been cutting myself off from everyone.

Suffering with the headaches has also made it easy to use them as an excuse for problems that have been really down to the depression. Even to myself sometimes. Although I've told my family that I'm suffering with it, they still think that when I stay in bed all day it's always down to the headaches.

It's hard admitting this to myself. Even harder to put it here knowing others might read it. If only I'd sought help years ago.

On the plus side, I'm feeling a little more together right now. Also the painkillers have actually had some effect for a change and taken the edge off the headache. Maybe today won't be so bad after all.

tired

utterly tired. headache. cant think straight. i dont know

later