Confused

Fluoxetine is the anti depressant I am on which is basically Prozac. Before I went out tonight I googled fluoxetine overdose. If you survive an overdose the permanent effects look nasty. I didn't think I was feeling particularly suicidal and I wasn't really sure why I was looking that up. I doubt I'll try it though. No one seems even sure what the lethal dose is.

I think I'm in trouble folks. It was a struggle to drag myself out tonight with my father and brother. A few drinks certainly dulled the pain and I even quite enjoyed the evening in a strange kind of way. But underneath the alcohol I can feel myself falling apart again. Maybe the fact that I have to go into Birmingham tomorrow will help keep me focused. Maybe I'll feel ok in the morning anyway. But deep down I know I'm in trouble. Don't know how I'm going to get through the night.

When I saw the doc yesterday he offered me the option of seeing a psychiatrist and being sectioned. If things get as bad as I fear again I may have to take up that option.

This Afternoon

Had a nap for an hour. Not feeling so good now. Just had a shower, tried to pull myself together but the shakes are setting in. Tomorrow I have a medical assessment for my incapacity allowance. I really hope I can hold it together at least until then. Would be a nightmare having to go into Birmingham hanging on by a thread. Although it'll be a nightmare feeling like this tonight with my brother visiting too.

Motivation

I realised that I was going to slip into a bit of a funk if I didn't do something. It had to be something that required minimal effort though. So I went to the shops and bought a couple of cheap t shirts. I don't need them but if I hadn't decided to get something specific I wouldn't have been able to drag myself out.

Doing things for myself takes so much out of me. I can quite happily do stuff for others, but lack any motivation for anything of benefit to myself. Some days brushing my teeth is my biggest achievement. Today it may well be shaving.

I've only just made the connection between the fact that I don't seem to like myself very much, and the fact that I hate being alone. It seems I can't stand my own company. It really is a blow for someone who has always been such a loner.

Tonight my brother and his wife are visiting. I get on well with him and, being the younger brother, he is much closer to my dad and stepmother than me. My dad and brother will be heading to the pub together. If I'm feeling up to it I may join them.

Up, Down, Flying Around

The problem with things that cheer me up is they always seem to get followed by a big down. I seem to crash a bit afterwards. Had a looong chat with Anna this morning which was really uplifting. First time I've ever ran my mobile out of juice from full charge with one call. Now I feel kind of...bleurgh. Still much better than in recent days though. I just wish I could find some motivation from somewhere to actually do something.

I just wish there was someone around during the day I could go and see, someone to talk to. More and more I'm beginning to realise that being alone is probably the major factor in my illness.

In The Morning

The worst thing for me about not sleeping is the utter loneliness of it. There is no one to turn to at 3 am in the morning. And, as I can't bear being alone at the moment, I find it doubly difficult. Amongst the clutter in my head last night were a few words spoken to me before I went to bed by a couple of people I care about.

It's only as those words filtered through my brain in the night that I began to worry about them. I began to worry frantically for them. It's entirely possible that things aren't as bad they seem, but I won't know until I can talk to them. It's still too early yet so all I can do is to continue worrying.

I texted Dave earlier, I just needed to hear a friendly voice this morning. He rang me almost as soon as he woke up. The world is a better place with friends like that around.

The Obligatory Can't Sleep Post

Sure enough I'm feeling not so good now. I knew it was too good to last. Sleep is becoming a dim and distant memory to me. I used to love sleeping. It was one of my favourite things. I used to sleep like a corpse. Almost nothing could wake me once I was asleep. How I long for that release. To be able to close my eyes and wake to daylight and bird song.

Many years ago I ran over a dog with my motorbike. There is no reason for me telling you that. I'm just having a late night ramble again. I don't even know why I just thought about it. Stupid dog. I felt terrible about it. I once saw a man catch a pigeon in his hand and bite it's head off. That was in Leamington Spa. Don't know why I've just thought about that either.

Just a couple of examples there of the kind of things that suddenly start going around in my head during the night. I used to dream a lot too. In colour. Insane, wonderful, terrifying dreams. I miss them. Dreams are never as they are shown in Hollywood movies. There is never any logical coherence to events. It's strange that random nonsense can feel so real.

One day I will sleep and dream again. Until then I will return to the eternity of night that is insomnia.

Bearable

Been over to Doug's tonight. Watched The Bourne Ultimatum. Decent enough film.

It's a constant source of astonishment to me that I have acquired such good friends over the years when I know how difficult I am to talk to. I see how uncomfortable I make people feel when I first meet them. Somehow I've been lucky enough to meet people able to see beyond that social incompetence.

Overall I'm feeling better than I have in days. I still have that horrible gnawing, twisting, hollow sensation in my gut, but I don't feel as if I'm about to burst into tears any second. I don't feel any deep desire to cut myself. I don't feel any need to drown the pain in alcohol. I don't feel like I want to die. This is bearable. And I've felt like this most of the evening. I really wish it could last. This I can deal with.

Down At The Doctors

My doctors surgery is not too far from home so I decided to walk. It was hell. This afternoon I'd been hanging on by my fingernails. I thought the walk would help. It didn't. For the entire walk I could feel my grip slipping more and more.

When I reached the surgery my distress must have been clearly visible. The receptionist asked me if I was alright. What!? I'm visiting the doctor! Why would I be doing that if I was alright? But I just smile sickly and say no and head on up the stairs.

The doctor asks me what the problem is. I say that I think I'm having some sort of breakdown. With perfect cinematic timing my fingernails give up the ghost and I break down utterly. My doctor tells me to pull myself together, that I need to be strong for my mother (he's been our family GP since forever so knows all about that situation). He tells me that there are many people worse off than myself. He says exactly what I knew he'd say. So I tell him. Between the tears I tell him the things I've put on this blog. Things I never thought I'd be able to say to another person face to face. And he finally starts to take it seriously.

So, I'm getting an urgent referral for counseling. I do feel some small relief now. Whether I just needed the cry or whether it's the knowledge that I've done everything I can do for now, I don't know. Probably both I suspect. I'm still feeling like a train wreck though. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that someone will be free for me to visit tonight.

untitled

Seems more people are reading this than I realised. I was assuming from how few comments I get that people just looked in occasionally. But I've recently received a couple of private communications that have really astonished me. It seems people are identifying with things I've said much more closely than I would've believed. I almost feel that I have a responsibility now to continue with this for the benefit of others. It really is heartbreaking to read other people going through such similar experiences.

I see my doctor this afternoon. I really hope I can explain to him what I'm going through. There are things I've written in this blog that I could never say to someones face. Even my docs. Somehow I have to get through to him. My life depends on it.

doctors

gonna make an apointment to see the doc. i have to try and get through to him how bad this is. i need help badly

again

breakdown again. i dont know how to keep going

The Obligatory Middle Of The Night Post

Welcome to another meander through my increasingly fragile and disorientated mental landscape.

I've been pondering exactly why this blog is so helpful to me. After all, it is really the equivalent of wandering into a big dark room and shouting my problems out without really knowing if anyone's there. Certainly one benefit of it is that I can let my friends know what I'm going through without the embarrasment of having to look them in the eye and feeling like a melodramatic berk. But there does seem to be more to it than that. I am as yet unable to process what it might be.

I'm also a little concerned that I may have panicked friends once or twice judging by a couple of calls I've had. I was considering being less than honest and toning things down a bit, but then I realised that would be utterly self defeating. So I shall continue with my embarrasing and dull whining honesty and I apologise if I worry anyone.

Now I shall return to bed and continue staring into the darkness.

That Sinking Feeling

Tonight I went over to Daves on the bike. Had a very pleasant evening drinking coffee and chatting. I didn't even mind the fact that the wet roads stopped me cracking the throttle on the way home. By the time I reached home I was already in trouble. I could feel that telltale twisting in the pit of my stomach. It stiil astonishes me how a mental problem can make you feel so ill.

I'm not sure what I should do now. Should I go to bed and try to sleep? Should I try to do something to keep me occupied in the hope of taking my mind off things and tiring myself out? Think I'll try the later see what happens.

Oh Well

That didn't last long. Slowly but surely that sense of normality has drifted away from me. It was good while it lasted.

Buying A Knife Therapy

Now here's a curious thing. I just took a walk up to our local hardware shop to buy a knife. It was going around and round in my damned head and I thought the only way to get rid of it was to buy the stupid thing. In order to discuss my requirements with the bloke there I had to throw up the facade of a normal, functional human being. Hell, I even smiled at him. They didn't have anything like what I was after so I left. But strangely, I realised I felt a lot better. I'm still feeling down, but that's a long way up from feeling suicidal.

I'm gonna go catch up on some reading now. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy by John Le Carre. Now I have some focus back I can make some headway with it.

tonight

supposed to be going out tonight. doubt i can face it. can't bear being alone. cant bear being in a room full of people. whata mess to be in. hard to think straight. so much to do and all i can think is go buy a penknife

screwdriver

in bits again. fighting hard not to hit the whisky. cut myself with a screwdriver. didnt seem to help. so why do i want to keep doing it

oops

seems im worse shape than i thought. bugger

Strange

Feeling very odd today. I'm still a bit trembly, but I don't seem to be hurting so much. I don't really feel good either. Still, anything's better than what I've been through the past couple of days.

I need to try to find some motivation to do something today. Even if it's just to clean the car. And the car certainly needs it. Looks like somethg with a bad case of diarrhea has flown over it.

Alarm

I'd just nodded off when the neighbours burglar alarm went off. Bastards. I hope they have been burgled.

Fail

Despite my best efforts to tough this weekend out alone I have failed. Ended up playing Guild Wars for company. I've had a couple of friends ring me to check on me, and tonight I got invited over to Dougs, an offer I clutched at like a drowning man. One day I'm going to have to find a way to get by on my own again. Clearly I'm nowhere near that yet.

Controlled Breakdown

Finally managed to give up without losing it completely this afternoon. I just slowly let the pain surface and spent half an hour lying on my bed gently weeping. I'm not entirely sure I've finished yet.

I Get Up, I Get Down

For those of you with a less than encyclopediac(sp?) knowledge of progressive rock music, the title of this post is a line from the Yes song Close To The Edge. The reason for it is that in the past half hour I have climbed in and out of bed several times. It's only as I was typing this I realised the appropriateness of the songs title.

Once again I have nothing to say. I'm just here to type. Type type type. Jack Nicholson in The Shining typing all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I could do that easily. I wish I had some deep insight to share with you. Wish I had something witty to amuse you with. I'm afraid all I have to offer is pointless ramblings from a yawning chasm of nothingness.

I'm not falling apart like yesterday at least. But I have to be honest and say I that it's only gritted teeth and willpower holding me together at the moment. And frankly my willpower is running out faster than petrol at the pumps at the moment (temporary fuel crises here in the northern UK at the moment caused by panic buying following a strike at a fuel depot). It's always fun when you realise you have to explain a joke.

Really I think I should just let go again. Curl up in bed and let it all out. But it scares the hell out of me when I lose it as badly as yesterday. I want to let go. The effort of holding on is wearing me down fast. Maybe it won't be so bad this time.

Storm

This isn't about not sleeping. Shock. This is about the fact I can't even try. Every time I close my eyes it's like a storm and the shakes set in badly. Only way I can deal with it is to stay awake.

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had depression
And everywhere that Mary went
Was a heavy drinking session

I am not going to drink at all today. I am not going to phone anyone. I will be in control. Whatever happens I will deal with it on my own.

Self Medication

Today has been bad. Very bad. I have mixed feelings about using whisky to cope, but it has been a life saver. When all is said and done, is using a drug like alcohol any worse than using anti depressants? As long as I don't have to rely on it every day where's the harm?

Also I'd like to say a special thank you to Anna for being so great today. You helped a lot.

Shit

shit shit shit shit. falling apart quite spectacularly. sorry to post so soon after the last one. actually drew my wakazashi and had the blade on my skin. then i sheathed it and started drinking. sitting here drinking whisky straight from a one litre bottle. tragically it's helping. it's not like i drink a lot. or even regularly. i don't think it should become a problem. but i've promised myself im not gonna bother others this weekend and i intennd to stick to that

A Rollercoaster That Mainly Goes Down

Losing it this afternoon. What has been nothing more than a little tremble this morning is turning into a full on case of the shakes. I've nothing new or clever to say about this. It's purely a self therapy post. Time to lie down and let go again I think. Hopefully it will all start to come back together later on.

I can't help thinking that there's little chance of dragging myself out of this until I can find a way to like myself again.

Weekend

For the first time in a few weeks I have no plans for this weekend. It's scary. I'm going to try and tough it out on my own. I think I've been enough of a burden on my friends lately. I'll be going round to Phil and Params on Monday night. I just have to manage until then.

I was talking to a girl I know earlier. She just lost the baby she was carrying. When I see how well she's dealing with such a disaster I am filled with self loathing. At the moment I fall apart if I just have a form to fill in. How dare I let myself feel like this when people with real problems can carry on with their lives.

The Middle Of The Night

Here I am again in the middle of the night with another one of those posts. But I don't think I will just ramble on about not sleeping again. Instead I'll talk about the state of my nerves these days.

I think I've mentioned the shakes once or twice before so I won't go into that. Instead I'll talk about the fidgets. I've always been a bit of a fidgeter anyway, but lately when I start getting wound up and the depression really bites, I've noticed that they get really bad. Usually I can catch myself when it starts happening, but other times I get too wrapped up in my suffering to notice it.

I'm curious about this because it's not something I've read about anywhere else. I kind of assumed that it was because it's too trivial for other people to bother mentioning. Even I am only really thinking about it now because it's 3.30 in the morning and I don't want to be whinging about lack of sleep again.

In conclusion, bollocks to it I'm off back to bed. G'night.

Up And Down And Round And Round

Been a pretty good day today on the whole. Earlier on I was even feeling almost like my old self. Sure enough though, as the day has worn on, I've felt that person slipping away from me. The simple fact that I can have days where I can feel almost normal gives me some hope though.

The Subtle Art Of Getting Out Of Bed

Above my bed hangs a wakazashi, a Christmas present from years ago. It's a very sharp Japanese short sword. Every morning I have the urge to draw it and slide it across the top of my leg. Just to get myself going.

Lying in bed I can also see 4 bottles of whisky (assorted xmas/birthday prezzies) on top of the wardrobe. A couple of drinks would dull the pain and set me up for the day.

I do neither of these things, compelling as they are to me. Instead I'm writing this. I can't tell you how glad I am I started this blog. Painful as it is to open up, at least it's just words. Because of this I don't have to cut myself or punish my liver.

This morning I'm not doing too badly anyway. I can still feel last nights drinking washing around my system, maybe that's why. The acid test will be whether I can motivate myself to actually do anything today or end up lying around wallowing in self pity. Again.

Back To The Drawing Board

Ok so drinking doesn't get me any sleep either. At least it's made being awake more bearable. How is it possible to feel this tired and not be able to sleep?

Bad Press

Alcohol gets a bad press. Frankly I find it helps a lot. Certainly dulls the pain anyway. I'm fortunate that because I suffer the most appaling hangovers there is little chance of me ever becoming dependant on it.

Curiously, considering how much Guiness and whiskey I've consumed tonight, I find I'm nowhere near as drunk as I should be. Just pleasantly chilled out. Who knows, maybe I'll even sleep well tonight.

Impersonating Myself

Somehow got my act together to go visit my stepmother in hospital today. She's doing well and should be home for the weekend. They don't think the cancer has spread but we should know for sure next week.

Went for a wander into Birmingham after. Bumped into Phil on his way home and met up with Dave for a coffee. I was doing a fair impersonation of myself. Phil even commented on how well I was looking. It's a bizarre duality to experience. On one hand you are all smiles and sunlight, but part of you is dark and dying.

Sitting at home now with an hour to kill before I go out, I can feel my grip slipping again. Writing this now just to give me something to do, something to focus on. Tonight I don't have to drive so I intend to get a little drunk. Shouldn't really mix alcohol and anti depressants (especially the quantity I'm taking at the moment) but what the hell. I need it.

Resumed

Normal service is resumed. Just about. Still feeling fragile, still shaking, but at least I'm vaguely functional again. Unless you've been through this you'll never understand the depths of hopelessness and despair it's possible to sink to.

dont know what to do. completely broken. normal service will be resumed as soon as possible

More Of The Same

Had a pretty good day today on the whole. Tomorrow won't be so great. For the last hour I've felt myself slowly falling apart again. No reason for it. Nothing has happened to upset me. Just had to lie there and watch the colour leech out of everything. Had to watch myself turn into a trembling shadow of a human being.

The more I read about this condition, the more it seems unlikely that I'm ever going to recover. Not read a single story from anyone who's ever fully recovered. I seriously doubt I'm strong enough to take this for any length of time.

Being Selfish

I haven't visited my stepmother in hospital today despite saying that I would. I had a splitting headache this afternoon but that's not what stopped me. I got a phone call asking me if I wanted to go along on a bike ride. So I did. 200 miles through the Shropshire countryside and out into Wales and back. Fantastic. I needed it so badly.

I feel terrible about not going to the hospital though. Definitely will go tomorrow. Just hoping I can get some sleep tonight.

Still Awake

I need sleep. This is getting ridiculous. I'm getting nothing but an hour or so at a time. Night time is a living hell for me. I know I'm not saying anything new. I know this is another self pitying whine. But I simply don't know what else to do. Maybe this will help, maybe it won't. At least I'm trying.

Imaginary Conversations Revisited

I wasn't 100% honest when I talked about having imaginary conversations before. What I tried to dodge was the subject matter of those conversations. They continue to play on going round and round in my head repeatedly, so I'll spill the whole truth and see if it helps.

The reason I have such a problem with this is that the conversation consists of me apologising to people and saying goodbye.

When No One Is There

Made a few phone calls tonight but no ones answering. It's been a hard day to get through. Looks like it'll be a hard evening too. At least I've had some company this afternoon on GW. And some amusement from watching the cat trying desperately to free herself from the elizabethan collar she's having to wear. Yes I know I shouldn't laugh at her but it is comical.

Also my stepmother is now out of surgery. The op was a complete success so she should be ok in a few days.

Here We Go Again

It's been a long hard night. Did manage to doze off once or twice I think.

Today I have stuff I need to do. I have to take the cat to the vets to be spayed. Have to visit my stepmother in hospital. Claim forms to fill in. Bills to pay. I can't face any of it. Just want to give up, lie down, and let it all go away.

Eyes Wide Open

Can't sleep tonight. At all. Just gonna sit here and type for a bit. Don't really have anything to say. But I don't know what else to do. Tried playing Guild Wars earlier but my heart wasn't in it. Really am at a loss what to do.

At this time in the morning you really are on your own. It's not like you can phone someone or go somewhere. I was feeling really stressed out at Phil and Params earlier, I wonder if that's why I'm still a bit hyper. Probably shouldn't have gone out feeling the way I did. But I didn't fancy staying in at all.

This is in danger of turning into a long rambling stream of consciousness. Although I don't really know why that would be a problem. I am only doing this right now to kill some time after all. It might make for tedious reading but I have to remind myself that I do this for my benefit, not yours. But that feels horribly selfish of me. I keep trying to tell myself I should probably be more selfish but it's just completely against my nature. Which is odd considering how introverted I am. You would think that someone as introspective as me would only care about himself.

Think I'll stop there before this rambles into the realms of hideous self pity. My apologies for such a rubbish post.

Operation

My stepmother has gone into hospital today. She should be having her op in the morning. Fingers crossed it all goes well.

Had a nap this afternoon. It's strange that, no matter how I feel when I go to sleep, I always wake up feeling trembly, weird and unhappy.

Relief

I was a little shakey this morning but improved quickly. Feeling better than I have for the past few days. I even got enough interest to start watching the Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy dvd that Dave lent me.

Last night I went to see In Bruges at the cinema with Hugh. It's a good movie. Seriously black humour although maybe a little slow in places, but well worth seeing. It was good to have a chat with Hugh over a beer afterwards too.

Nightmare

The last couple days have been a living nightmare. I've not really talked about here because, frankly, I find myself getting angry and embarrassed about all the pitiful whining.

Not sure if that's a sign that I'm getting better or worse.

A big thank you to Doug and Cheryl for getting me through a couple of bad weekends.

Hurting

Hurting a lot. Don't know why. Don't know how I'm going to get through the day either.

Uncomfortable Truth

Well the blog then sleep trick certainly isn't working today. Largely because my brain is still processing a conversation I had with Dave yesterday. I really hadn't been able to understand why my thinking had become so skewed, why

Hmm. Seems I'm not quite ready to talk about the details of this yet. Not because it's bad, but because any way I can think to phrase it sounds so stupid. Largely because it is stupid. But in a nutshell - it appears I don't like myself very much at the moment.

More about this later, or maybe not.

Two Hours

I pretty much don't get more than 2 hours sleep at a time lately. But if this blog does nothing else, it's at least helping me get a little more sleep. Once I'm awake getting more kip is almost impossible. However, I've found a few minutes spent doing this and getting things off my chest is allowing me to get back to sleep for another hour or so.

Disintegration

I was enjoying myself tonight. Then around 10.45 for no reason I began to completely disintegrate inside. That last part of the evening was a nightmare, while I struggled to hold myself together. Now I'm home I can let the shakes out. I shall now go curl up in the fetal position and give up for the day.

Bad Day

Thanks to both Anna and Dave for the support today. I really needed it. Dave in particular has been a superstar of a friend throughout this and I can't thank him enough for the time he's found for me.

Tonight I'm off to the good old BCRPS.

Self Harm

I finally understand why people self harm. It always seemed bizarre to me. But using physical discomfort as a diversion from unbearable emotional pain makes perfect sense now.

Nobody panic, I'm not there yet.

Imaginary Conversations

Imaginary conversations going round and round in my head. Surely this is only one step away from hearing voices in my head? Feels like I'm going a bit mad.

Home Again

And back from the ride out. Something about riding a motorcycle really sets my soul free. For a short while I don't have a care in the world. And then I get home...

Needed

Off out on the bike shortly with a mate. I need this badly.

Hate

I thought I was finally starting to get a handle on things. Then suddenly I crash into a thousand pieces again. For no reason. I hate this. I hate myself for being so weak. How could I be so pathetic as to let this happen to me?

And Back Again

Can't honestly say that the last couple of days of peace and quiet in the country has helped a great deal. My main achievement seems to have been to worry my mother just before she takes off on her latest cruise.

Driving home today though, mp3s on random play in the car, trying hard not to think of anything. Suddenly I was listening to Van Halen's Jump and for 3.5 mins I almost felt like my old self again.

Sandpaper

Feels like my nerves have been rubbed raw with sandpaper. Wonder if it's the lack of sleep. Had less than 2 hours tonight. I should be exhausted especially as I barely eat at the moment. Instead I'm in some weird hyper zone bursting with nervous energy, constantly trembling and fidgeting.

Gonna go visit my mother for a couple of days. Let her know what a wreck her eldest son's turned into.

Coping

Not been so bad today so far. A little edgy and upset but nothing major.

Just picked up the bike from its service. When I'm riding the bike everything's so much easier to deal with somehow. Let's hope for some good weather soon so I can get out on it more. And that I can think of somewhere to go.

Tonight I'm off out for a meal with Doug and Cheryl.

Repeating Myself

I already seem to be reaching the limit of new things to say about what I'm going through. Don't really want to keep repeating myself every morning. Is it possible that I've no more to gain from doing this? We shall see.

Taking the bike in for a service this morning. Looks like I'll be getting a bit wet.

Morning Sickness

DAMMIT! Why are mornings so difficult?

Sometimes while I'm walking I cross a motorway bridge. The traffic starts to look like a huge pool of tranquility...

Afterwards I get angry with myself for having no consideration for what might happen to any motorists down there if I did jump in.

Going round to Phil and Params this evening. It's gonna be a long day to get there I think.

Lack of Sleep

Pretty bad morning. Been a bit weepy. Getting a grip now though. Lack of sleep really isn't helping things. I've changed from taking my meds last thing at night to first thing in the morning. Hopefully that'll make a difference.

Should be meeting up with Dave in Birmingham this afternoon. Having little things like that to look forward to gives me something to cling to.

Loose End

I seem to be at a loose end tonight. Normally I'd probably play Guild Wars but lately I've been finding that as horribly lonely an experience as real life. I load up the game and if there's no one there to talk to I just switch it straight off again.

That's been another big change to me. I've basically gone from being almost a complete loner to someone who can't bear being alone. Shame I can't find a nice balance. I wouldn't be such a pain to everyone.

Up and Down

Despite feeling pretty good when I went to bed last night, the horror still visited twice. Coped much better with it than the previous night though. Hopefully I can continue to do so.

This morning the twisting, tight, ball of anguish that lives deep in my gut isn't quite as bad as usual. The sun is shining through my window and, hopefully if it's not too cold, I can get out there.

And So To Bed

Today's been pretty rough on the whole. A trip over to see Dave again this afternoon helped a great deal. I feel almost normal at the moment. Shame it never lasts but hopefully I can get some decent sleep for a change.

I just realised that I've gone from bottling everything up, to the opposite extreme of going on and on to anyone that'll listen. I guess that's what happens when the dam breaks.

Also tonight - Blackpool 1 WBA 3. West Brom go top of the league yay!

Embarrassment

Sure enough I can't read the last two posts without cringing in embarrassment. Not going to edit them though. Feeling much calmer and in control now. Only problem is I'm completely at a loose end. This morning I've watched Top Gear and played guitar. Need to find something to keep me occupied.

Another Pointless Day

Well, time to get up I suppose. Still a bit shakey this morning. Part of me wants to just go back to bed and stare at the ceiling.

And Here They Are

And the horrors are here. This post may sound a bit over the top, maybe I won't make much sense. This is when I really don't know how to get through this. I'm shaking like a leaf and it's all I can do to hold the tears back. I don't understand how I can be in such pain and not die. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up until it was all over.

I'll probably be deeply embarrassed about typing this when I start feeling calmer later on. Is doing this helping? Maybe a little.

The Horrors

The hardest part of coping is being by myself. When I'm around others I find I can get a little tense sometimes but largely I feel ok. Sitting at home, trapped in the cell that is my room, the horrors close in.

I suppose I should explain about the horrors. Except I can't. I can find no other way of explaining what I go through. I could say "yawning abyss of aching despair" (to steal a phrase from a friend), but that sounds a bit melodramatic and clumsy. Certainly the word depression is far too mild for anyone who's never been through this to ever understand. So I'll just call it the horrors and we'll leave it there.

At this moment I'm trying desperately to organise my afternoon to keep the horrors at bay. If I time it right I can leave the house, walk for a few miles, buy a paper, and sit in a pub to read it. Then catch a bus and end up at a friends house for the evening. Unfortunately that leaves me with a couple of hours to kill until then. And that's why I decided to start this.

In The Beginning

I'm really not sure how this started. It feels like forever since I've been down and struggling. Then suddenly, a few weeks ago, something inside broke.

I'm going to try and explain what I'm going through here. I don't really expect anyone to be that interested, but maybe I can help myself by writing this stuff. Really thats what this is all about, saving myself.