My doctors surgery is not too far from home so I decided to walk. It was hell. This afternoon I'd been hanging on by my fingernails. I thought the walk would help. It didn't. For the entire walk I could feel my grip slipping more and more.
When I reached the surgery my distress must have been clearly visible. The receptionist asked me if I was alright. What!? I'm visiting the doctor! Why would I be doing that if I was alright? But I just smile sickly and say no and head on up the stairs.
The doctor asks me what the problem is. I say that I think I'm having some sort of breakdown. With perfect cinematic timing my fingernails give up the ghost and I break down utterly. My doctor tells me to pull myself together, that I need to be strong for my mother (he's been our family GP since forever so knows all about that situation). He tells me that there are many people worse off than myself. He says exactly what I knew he'd say. So I tell him. Between the tears I tell him the things I've put on this blog. Things I never thought I'd be able to say to another person face to face. And he finally starts to take it seriously.
So, I'm getting an urgent referral for counseling. I do feel some small relief now. Whether I just needed the cry or whether it's the knowledge that I've done everything I can do for now, I don't know. Probably both I suspect. I'm still feeling like a train wreck though. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that someone will be free for me to visit tonight.
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2 comments:
You're doing the right thing Ant.
I'm glad you got him to listen and refer you.
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