Friday, 2 May 2008
A Rethink
Once again, in writing this blog, I've been responsible for someone I care about getting upset. I can't bear it that better people than me are being upset by it. I may have to rethink the whole project. Maybe I can still get some benefit from it if I just tone things down a bit? We shall see.
daily achievement
so far this morning i have managed to cry a lot. almost non stop in fact. cant see this afternoon being any better. no ones home to my calls. no one to talk to.
when i see how strong other people with worse problems than me can be i feelso pathetic.
when i see how strong other people with worse problems than me can be i feelso pathetic.
tears and despair
seems like i used up all of my joy yesterday. nothing left today but tears and despair
mood crash
mood has crashed pretty badly. knew this would happen. feels like someone punishes me whenever i dare to feel a little better.
A Good Day
So a day that almost certainly would have been a disaster has ended up being one of the best days I've had in a long time. Thank you Param, for being there to hold my hand through my medical assessment and just generally being pretty wonderful for the rest of the day.
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Confession
This is kind of a semi confession. Deep down I've known that I've been suffering with mild depression (if there is such a thing) for years. Being me, I bravely soldiered on with gritted teeth, slowly getting worse and worse, slowly hating myself more and more for not being able to deal with it better. Never getting help, never even acknowledging that I might be ill.
It's sad that I've had to let myself reach this breaking point before getting help. I can chart how it's progression has sped up in recent years simply by looking how I'd been cutting myself off from everyone.
Suffering with the headaches has also made it easy to use them as an excuse for problems that have been really down to the depression. Even to myself sometimes. Although I've told my family that I'm suffering with it, they still think that when I stay in bed all day it's always down to the headaches.
It's hard admitting this to myself. Even harder to put it here knowing others might read it. If only I'd sought help years ago.
On the plus side, I'm feeling a little more together right now. Also the painkillers have actually had some effect for a change and taken the edge off the headache. Maybe today won't be so bad after all.
It's sad that I've had to let myself reach this breaking point before getting help. I can chart how it's progression has sped up in recent years simply by looking how I'd been cutting myself off from everyone.
Suffering with the headaches has also made it easy to use them as an excuse for problems that have been really down to the depression. Even to myself sometimes. Although I've told my family that I'm suffering with it, they still think that when I stay in bed all day it's always down to the headaches.
It's hard admitting this to myself. Even harder to put it here knowing others might read it. If only I'd sought help years ago.
On the plus side, I'm feeling a little more together right now. Also the painkillers have actually had some effect for a change and taken the edge off the headache. Maybe today won't be so bad after all.
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