Getting Better?

Had a good day on Sunday. Started to get very nervey in the evening though. Ended up taking a sleeping pill when I went to bed. Worked briliantly got around 7 hours sleep.

This morning I'm going to laze around and read, maybe get some more sleep. Not sure how I feel today though. If the weather looks ok im gonna force myself to take the bike out again I think.

Waste Away

Some people are like gravy
Spilled on God's Sunday shirt
Some people are always getting better
Some people just get worse
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long until they waste away
Waste away now
Some people think they're dangerous
Well maybe just to little boys
some people always reaching for the sky
As if they had a choice
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Waste away now
And I want to know
And I don't want to hear them cry
So I gotta go man I gotta go
I gotta go now
Some people think they're lucky
Like they thought of heaven first
Some people been holdin' back their love so long
I think they're 'bout to burst
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Waste away now
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Waste away now
Waste away
Waste away now
WASTE AWAY

Meh

Sinking this evening. Meh, I'll be fine.

Still Employed!

Just phoned my old boss and friend Ian to let him know my situation. Incredibly he's kept my job open fr me even though it's meant him working 15 hour days. He has said that if things get much worse then they will have to bring in a replacement, but it is astonishing to me that they've kept it available for me for so long. But it's something to aim for and it's given me a real boost.

Not Bad

Feeling ok so far today. Brain still feels a little too sludgelike to really motivate myself to do much though. That's fine too as long as I don't start to get bored and down. Read quite a bit this morning. There's a couple of little projects I can start on if I do start to slide. The question at the moment is how will I feel this evening if all I've done is slouch around all day.

Change Of Plans

Caught sight of myself in the mirror today. Decided a shave and haircut were more important than throwing books out. So that's what I've done. Still plenty of time to sort through my books if I find myself starting to mope though. Right now I'm going to jump in the shower again.

No ones talking to me on Facebook :(

Doing Stuff

Forcing myself to do stuff today. If I'm honest all I really want to do is curl up and cry all day. So far this morning I've had breakfast, surfed the web for advice on teaching a cat to use a catflap (ours is terrified of it), and taken the bike out for a short blast while the sun was shining.

Frankly it was just upsetting to be out on the bike and to discover I wasn't really enjoying it. Also I got really down because I felt I had nowhere to go, no one to see.

Going to read for a bit now. Later I'm going to sort out some books for the charity shop and then I see my counsellor at 4 this afternoon.

Not Too Bad

Had a pretty good morning today. Went to the pub with my brother in the afternoon but started to sink a bit. Largely due to tiredness I think. Went to sleep afterwards then had a little weep.

Made myself go out this evening. Couldn't bear to have another night on my own. Had to leave early because i was getting edgy but did genuinely enjoy myself. I need to keep pushing myself like that. It shows me that perhaps I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.

Feeling utterly spent now. Could easily lie down and cry my heart out. Won't do it though. I need to get used to doing things on my own again. There have been and will be again times when the people that I rely on won't be able to be there for me. I have to find a way to cope at those times. And I think I see the first signs that I'm beginning to manage it.

yay

one hours sleep again tonight. ah well. could be worse. accentuate the positive. yay i got an hours sleep. much better than no sleep at all. hmm, not sure i'm convincing anyone.

Little Holiday

Just got back from an improptu holiday. Didn't enjoy it much. Very glad to be home.

Quiet

Quiet day today. Read a lot. Running out of reading material now. One novel left. Going to carry on with this for now, just without the self pitying whining.

Today...

...is going to be tough. Seriously thinking about giving this blog up. I'm already holding stuff back anyway. When I was in bits after seeing the shrink yesterday I started loads of entries and then deleted them in case they upset anyone. And that's just one example.

If I've stopped being honest about what I'm going through I may as well not bother. It's been hard letting people see what I've been going through. While it's helped me at the time I feel like it's done more harm than good. I feel like it's scared people away a little.

Might start another elsewhere and keep it private this time.

blah

still awake blah blah blah. blah fed up blah. its a shame for me blah blah blah etc...

wish

wish i was dead. big deal, whats new.

tried this evening, really tried, just to manage alone. and i can do it easy. just curl up on my bed and wait. easy. ive been doing it most of my life. but whats the point.

How much do shrinks get paid, how long do they have to train for? How can they talk for half an hour just to prescribe some pills and tell you, what boils down to, pull yourself together cos no one else gives a toss?

for the record, the shrink is increasing my dosage of Fluoxetine to the maximium. Also giving me Zopiclone to help me sleep. Won't give me more than 2 weeks supply though. probably wise move at the moment.

yep just googled it. 2 weeks aint enough for a fatal dose. its not like i plan on going that way anyway. easy to see how one bad night could tempt you to take the lot on the spur of the moment though.

meh enough pointless ramble. i'll still be here tomorrow.

8th

this is about the 8th post ive written. the first one i didnt delete since seeing the shrink. just so you know.

Panic

Panic is setting in. Don't know why. Had a nap and now I'm dreading the visit to the shrink. It's a 20 minute walk to get there and I know I'm going to be a wreck by then. I know I have to go but...
I don't know. Can I really face seeing him in such a state? I could drive but I'm not really supposed to with my hand yet.

Trying very hard to pull myself together for this. It's only a 20 min walk. I've done it twice today already. Shouldn't be a problem. Ok just gonna have a little lie down to try to calm myself and try some breathing exercises.

Back

Back from the hospital. Grr. Why on earth did they give me an appointment for 8 in the morning when they didn't even begin seeing patients until 8.25?

Still, the good news is that the op was a much better success than my previous one. My finger is properly straightened now. The stitches come out next Wednesday. Just going to put my feet up and read for a while now. Then back to the hospital this afternoon to see the shrink.

more sleep

did get a little more sleep. time to get up now and go to the hospital. ironicaaly because i have to get up now i feel like i want to go back to bed and sleep. typical.

ignore

ignore that last pos. had an hour slee p now. feeling much netter. still very tired but no longer so overwrought. tink i can get another hour before i have to get up soon anyway. heh the difference one hour sleep can make

nightmare

finally dropped off only to have an horrific nightmare. then i couldnt keep my eyes closed without seeing weirdness. feeling freaked out. dont want to play anymore. want to go home. head hurts so badly. my email doesnt work. just want to rest my head on keyboard now sleep for a million years. had enough . take no notice folks. late night rambling again. i'll be fine in the morning. i can still spell and type properly. ive been worse. my head hurts. want it to stop. why am i crying again. im ok really. im ok. i am. ive been worse. just need to li doen now itll all go away for a bit. until i do iy all again and again. dont know i bother. ha being pathetic again. stop now.

sad

feeling very, very sad now. no idea why. also feeling very tired without feeling sleepy. its horrible. add in progressively worsening headache and i really dont have the makings of a good night. at least i have to be at the hospital for 8 in the morning. means i have an excuse to be up and about early.

shit i really am feeling low now. g'night.

out of steam

finally run out of steam. still, it was good while it lasted. think tiredness has finally overwhelmed me. not hurting too much yet but i can finally feel the sadness closing in. hopefully i'll sleep tonight after so long awake.

ah well

had a very enjoyable lunchtime. thanks gord. got home to find my dad in a bad mood again and barely talking to me. just going to hole up in my room for the rest of the afternoon and see if i can get some sleep.

still going...ok

considering ive had absolutely no sleep at all i feel remarkably...ok. pottered about for the last few hours doing nothing very much except having some cereal for breakfast which ive not done in a long time.

next up im gonna have a shave. meeting gord in brum for lunch a bit later. this evening i may or may not visit my local to catch up with a couple of friends. we'll see how i feel by then.

update - ok i'd forgotten how awkward shaving one handed is. think i'll skip that after all. it can wait till i get my hand back.

daylight

daylight. suppose i should get ...up? but as ive been up all night anyway maybe i mean something else. astonishingly i still feel ok. not even particularly low. which makes the lack of sleep even more puzzling. if i feel ok why havent i slept?

answers on a postcard please to-

mentalists forever
c/o the funny farm
loonyville

still awake

still wide awake. wasted some time on facebook. chatted with gordon a little. at a bit of a loose end now. probably smurf the web for a while. then i'll see if i cant grab 40 winks.

oddly enough, even though i cant sleep i still feel ok. isnt that strange? i felt worse when i was trying to get to sleep earlier.

24 hours later

eventually got a couple of hours sleep last night. then had quite a good day yesterday in the end. the meeting with my councillor went well enough. read quite a lot. watched The Great Escape. didnt do much really but somehow felt on top of things.

i was supposed to go for a walk this evening at my councillors suggestion. but i couldnt do it on my own. i just couldnt. had to settle for reading in the garden instead. followed the rest of his suggestions though. but it hasnt worked, i still cant sleep.

so the pc is back on, im talking to people on facebook. doing things my own way. and frankly im feeling better for doing things my way. admittedly my own way isnt so great but at least its keeping me occupied. eventually i'll tire myself out and get a little sleep im sure. hopefully tomorrow i can get back in control again.

no big surprise

yep cant sleep. mind is racing. wish it would actually race somewhere instead of just going around in pointless circles but there it is.

right. need to do this on my own. no more cries for help and sympathy. today there will be no more blogging from me come what may. i'll do this on my own. i have to. i'll reassess on wednesday whether to continue or not. but for the next 24 hours i'll hold my own counsel.

first night

my first night in a few days without meds. no idea how well i'll sleep. dont be suprised to read lots of late night whining from me tonight if i cant sleep. headaches getting bad as well.

at least ive had a good afternoon and evening. i see my counsellor tomorrow. still waiting to see if my appointment with the shrink can get brought forward.

once again i find myself struggling to cope. feeling alone and upset with no one to turn to. i really dont want to live like this. its too hard, too painful. i keep telling myself that i must see some kind of future for myself otherwise why did i bother having the op done.

its not helping though. nothing is.

eventually

got some sleep eventually. dunno how i'll cope tonight though now that the meds have run out. i was supposed to have seen a shrink by now to get my medication sorted but it just hasnt happened.

not sleeping

not sleeping. no ones around. utterly alone. what goodare sleepingpills that dont make yousleep?

strange

back from the movies. decent film. feeling very strange right now. taken the last of my zopiclone. feeling pretty broken up and dont know why.

my finger has started bleeding through the bandages tonight. only a little. not sure if thats to be expected or not.

i feel like i want to scream and scream. genuinely starting to fear that i am going mad.

helped

cried myself to sleep. think its helped a bit. gonna go see The Happening tonight. the reviews arent good for it but i like shyamalans films.

time

ive been holding it off but i think its time i finally lie down and weep for a time.

broken oven

the oven is broken at the moment. not much point me sticking my head in there then is there? heh.

what to say

dont know what to say. just the usual self pitying rubbish. feel trapped, in pain, and hopelessly alone. i know im not. i know it makes no sense. but its how i feel. im a complete irrelevance. wish i was dead.

hand holding

at some point this morning, despite there being no one else in my room, i could feel someone holding my hand. i took a great deal of comfort in that.

early

despite going to bed early ive slept well. feeling tired and a little edgy but basically ok. maybe im tired enough to go back to bed. just for a little while.

getting worse

no longer any doubt about it. im getting worse. a good nights sleep is helping me get through the day, but the evenings are getting horrendous. i find myself going to bed earlier each night just to escape into sleeping pill oblivion.

which reminds me, i have had no appointment come through for the psychiatrist. that leaves me with one sleeping pill for tomorrow night. god help me.

rough evening

having a rough evening. constantly on the edge of tears. no idea why. hate being like this

Birmingham

Been into town with my brother today. Had a pleasant time. Had to avoid alcohol because of the drugs I'm on but it wasn't too great a hardship. Unfortunately Birmingham on a Saturday did eventually become too much for me to cope with and I had to come home. Probably should have left earlier if I'm honest. Feeling pretty miserable right now.

Phew

Did sleep in the end. Still feel a little tired and groggy. But I didn't have to slowly go mad staring into space all night that's the important thing.

Shite

Can't sleep. What a pain in the arse. Still at least I feel a little tired so maybe i wont be having too bad a night. even if i just doze a little it'll be better than nothing.

Operation

Had my op today. Seems to have gone well. Be a couple of weeks till I can use my left hand again.

Needless to say the first thing I wanted to do when I got home was play guitar. Ah well.

Special thanks to Param for spending the day at the hospital with me. It still astonishes me that I have such incredible friends.

Slept Ok...But

Really am in a strange place at the moment. Today doesn't feel, I dunno...right. I'm not a superstitious person at all. Really I'm not. But I am a little weirded out by today being Friday the 13th.

Meh, pull yourself together Smithy. It's an operation you've had before. As long as it's no worse this time you'll be fine.

Although I'm feeling very brittle I know I'd be in a complete state if I'd not slept last night. Being able to sleep is proving to be a big , big help.

Early Night

Another early night for me. Have to be at the hospital for 8 in the morning. I'm terrified I won't sleep tonight. The very thought of another sleepless night has me on the edge of tears right at this moment.

Wow. Been keeping on top of things all night and now I'm starting to collapse in an instant. How the hell did this happen? C'mon Smithy breathe dammit. Ok back in control. G'night folks.

Good While It Lasted

Starting to lose it a bit now. Not a bad afternoon really. Read a bit, ate jelly babies, napped. But I can feel myself sinking now. Maybe because I know I'll have to do this evening alone too. Everyones busy tonight. I could go out to the club but I really think that would be a big mistake, especially as I'm starting to get so down anyway.

Shouldn't matter too much if I have a miserable evening as long as the drugs work and I don't have to be awake through another hellish night.

Bearable Today

Today is proving bearable. Been to the tip dumped some rubbish. Stopped at the shops on the way back. Bought myself a pile of wine gums, jelly babies, and marshmellows. And then realised that, for the first time in ages, I'd actually spent some money on myself.

I also have music back, for today at least. In the car I had a Porcupine Tree CD on and when the track Fadeaway came on the hairs on my arms stood on end and a thrill ran down my spine.

Feeling a little at a loose end right now. Maybe a nap is in order, maybe munch some marshmellows instead. We shall see.

There is also a very blackly humourous story I could relate about my trip to the shops. I've been sniggering like an idiot to myself about it ever since. But I'll keep it to myself thank you very much.

Kind of Ok

Not doing too badly today. Lazed around a bit, surfed the web a little, and finished reading a book. Now I need to do something useful. Have some rubbish that I need to get to the tip. That's my priority for today I think.

Slept Well

Slept well indeed. Woke twice in the night but both times went straight back to sleep. feeling a bitgroggy and headachey right now but still not too bad. might evn go back to bed.

Please

Please please please please please please please please please please let me sleep tonight. Going to bed now. Dreading waking up in the small hours. Please let me sleep.

Fragile and Over Sensitive

It's a bit of a shock for me to discover how easily I can be knocked sideways. I can take the merest slight as a massive rejection. It's awful. I feel so weak and useless. As emotionally crippled as a child.

Actually I'm coping pretty well so far tonight. Chatting to a few people online. Don't feel quite so alone. But I'm really hoping the sleeping pills work tonight. Don't think I could bear another night like the last one.

Yet Another Hospital Trip

Off to the hospital soon just for a blood test before my operation on Friday. Struggling to hold it together to be honest. I just feel utterly broken.

When I woke up this morning I looked at the clock and expected to see that it was 6 or 7am. When I realised that it was only just after 1am I completely broke down. Hopefully it was just a blip and the pills will work tonight.

Already finding myself holding things back here. Too many people are being hurt and scared by what I write. That's all for now I think.

no need

no need to ring the crisis team. im not gonna do anything silly. just having a bad night. stupid things to say. im a mess but i can cope. i know i can. i have to

crises

hurting so badly. its starting to get light. can i ride this out or do i need to ring the crises team.

just opened my curtains. made it through this much of the night. dont know what to do. dont know anything anymore. one wrong word take the ground from under my feet. i cant se anyway of putting myself back together. all i do is drag the people who try to help me down. with me out of the way they can get on and enjoy their lives

hate

i hate myself. im useless, worthless. theres no point me being here. all i do is take up room. im a complete waste of space. sooner im gone the better. i cant even help the people who care about me. all i do ishurt people. everything i touch goes wrong. everyone will be better off when im gone

losing friends again

just made a call to my best friend. its pretty clear they hate me now. not only can i not sleep, im alienating the people i thought cared. i just dont know what to do anymore. i seem a mastere at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. is it wrong to try to get someone to be a little more objective when they tell you their problems. maybe im just a bad communicator. i should just go the whole hog, piss off the rest of my friends and family (after all i do it so easily) and then i can go without worrying.

less than 2 hours

even with slleping pills ive had less than 2 hrs sleep. thought id be deda to the world tonight. now im scared of how im feeling. is it toolate to ring friends? shit im in a bad way. do i piss friends off or use the crises line or tough it out?

knackers

looks like my little white pills arent so great at making me sleep as i thought. bollocks.

Up and Down Again

Up and down this evening. Not too bad right now but really been through the wringer earlier. At least I should get another night of oblivion to look forward to. Think I'll just potter about for a bit before crashing out. Night folks.

nearly done

all tasks accomplished except for shaving. frankly all i'm fit for right now is a lie down and a long cry.

an hour

around an hour to kill before my appointment. lie down i think

hurting a lot now. getting upset. wish the appointment was earlier so i could get it out of the way

Check List So Far

Doctors - done

Library - done

Shave - not yet

Seetec appointment - not till 3

I can now start throwing my drugs names around now. Zopiclone to help me sleep (which they do) and Lorazepam to help me chill out. Incidentally, had a phone call this morning telling me my finger op will by on Friday. Anyone needs me to take them anywhere better get their orders in quick because I won't be driving for a few weeks after.

Struggling

Struggling a bit now. Seem to remember that this happened yesterday. I woke up feeling ok, but went downhill about midmorning. Anyway, I have to go to the quacks now and get more sleeping pills.

More Awake Now

Went back to bed and had another hour or so. Sleeping makes a big difference.

Projects for today-

shave

take library books back

see doctor get more sleeping pills

keep appointment with Seetec people

more sleep again

5 hours sleep last night thanks to these magic pills i have. need to see the doc today get some more. although right now think ill gp back to bed for a bit

At Last

Yesterday concerned friends finally dragged me to hospital to be assessed by the mental heath crises team. Only took about 7 hours. Finally, after telling my story for the umpteenth time, they pretty much came up with a solution that I could have told them right at the start. I NEED SLEEP. So they gave me drugs and sent me on my way. As a result I slept for SIX WHOLE HOURS. Bit of a headache right now but I honestly believe that once I get my sleeping back on track the rest will start to fall into place.

inertia

i know what i need to do to make it all go away. but now im home inertia has set in and i can barely move. shops open soon. need to go to he shops. just need this one last effort.

middle of nowhere

just been sitting in my car in the middle of nowhere. slowly going through the phone numbers finding reasons not to bother anyone. almost buckled once or twice. did actually make one call but hung up before anyone could answer. not fair to wake people up. in the end made myself come home. dont think i can stay here long though

friends

just called a friend in desperation. going over to his house to crash on his couch. dont know how id have made it this far without friends. really dont.

going mad

dont know how much more of this insomnia i can take. feel like im going mad. seriously. i wnt to cry. i want to hurt myself. i just want to sleep for god sake. is it too much to ask. at least the tears are comig again now. maybe i can cry myself to sleep. even if i dont at least it passes the time. i cant go on like this. i just cant. hopw can it be so hard to sleep. how how how. god im pathetic. im so tired i want to scream. i cant even think staright anymore. another long night of this. how the fuck can i get through this again. its just to hard. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like downing the contents of the medicine cabinet just to close my eyes. dont want to be stuck here in this prison for another night of this.

pain

really cant get a grip on things at all at the moment. cant even think of anything to say. hopefully i'll be through this soon

bad day today. very bad

falling apart

up the down escalator

thats how i frequently feel lately. im trying to climb an escalator thats going down. every time i get near the top someone speeds it up again and down i go. trouble is sometimes it feels like its me thats speeding it up. just to punish myself. self loathing is a wonderful thing.

Yuck

Feeling really yuck this evening in just about every way imaginable. Physically I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Mentally I feel... blank and exhausted I guess. There isn't a part of my body that doesn't hurt. Also, my stomach is continuing to rebel against any intruders.

Earlier had an appointment at the hospital. This is to do with the Dupuytren's nodule in the little finger of my left hand. It's now so bent over it's really interfering with my guitar playing. There is a small risk that the operation will leave me unable to use the finger at all. If that happened I'm not sure what I'd do. But if I leave it it'll only get worse so it needs to be done.

Adventures In Alcohol Land

Last night I was feeling pretty well on top of things. So much so that I risked a trip out to the pub with friends. I was so much on top of things that I decided to have a few drinks and not drive home. Anyone who takes anti depressants knows that they do not mix well with alcohol at the best of times. Especially when you have your drinking head on and don't know when to stop.

Unfortunately I didn't quite drink enough not to be able to remember what happened next. I'm not going to humiliate myself by giving you details. I will tell you that it involved two very badly graised arms, a swollen knee on my left leg, a badly bruised heel on my right leg, and a painful bruise that I have no idea how bad is on my backside. It also involved lots and lots of being sick.

Hangover is almost gone now, but its going to be a few days until I can walk properly again. Once again, thanks to Phil and Param for being absolute diamonds to help me out.

not so bad

still hurting but not so bad now. may as well get up now. at least the sun is shining.

why

why does it hurt so much. how can my insides be in so much pain. feel sick.

i see the shrink at the end of this month. right now that feels like an eternity away.

god im so fragile. takes nothing at all to get me down. dont know how to keep going when i feel like ths. really whats the point of trying

worthless

i am worthless. totally, utterly worthless. the soonr im out of everybodies way the better.

dunno

dunno how im feeling right now. apart from very, very tired. abslutely nothing helps keep me asleep. ive had almost exactly two lots of one hour sleeps tonight. i'll probably get another hour in. but its nowhere near enough. would be so easy just to ramble on now. but sod it. ive inflicted enough crap on people already. i'll shut up and go back to bed.

actually, just made the mistake of looking at a couple of other blogs. i really shouldnt do it. seeing what others are going through just makes me upset for them. doubt i'll get back to sleep now. bugger.

Hi

Just a quick post to say hi. Been a pretty crappy day for the most part. This evening I'm much improved thanks largely to the excellent company of Phil and Param. Hopefully that will stay with me through the night.

Fed Up

Fed up with writing the same old things. What's the point really? No suprise that I've crashed pretty badly this evening. But really who cares. You've read it all before. Don't even know if it's still helping me. For all I know this is some twisted addiction I have. Sometimes I just want to forget the whole thing, delete it all. Meh, see how I feel tomorrow.

Wobble

Oops. Wobbling a bit now. I was trying to think of what to do tomorrow. Guess I shouldn't have pushed my luck there. Avoid thinking about anything further than bed time I think.

Good Day?

Feeling almost like my old self today. I'll have a shave in a bit I think. It's a bit scary feeling like this after so long. A little bewildering. Instead of worrying about it I'm just going to try to enjoy the day.

Stll Ok

Normally it's small hours of the morning that really kill me. Still feeling ok right now though. Even feeling tired enough to go back to bed and maybe get another hour or 2 now. Nothing else to say right now so back to bed I go.

Pancakes

A pleasant evening of TV, pancakes and err...sleeping. Yes once again I visited a friends house and rudely flaked out for an hour. Fortunately I have very understanding friends. I'm so tired all the time that I think I could sleep almost anywhere at the moment.

The bodged exhaust on my car is making a hell of a racket now. But, frankly, I really couldn't care less. As most of the noise is caused by the exhaust vibrating against the body, it's only really noticable inside the car. So it'll get fixed when it just becomes too annoying for me to put up with.

Feeling ok tonight. Let's hope I still feel that way tomorrow.

On The Up

By lunchtime I was starting to improve. Then, on the ride home, something happened that hadn't happened to me in a long time. I started to get music in my head. I didn't realise how much I missed while riding. So I'm still a bit down but that's a long way up from this morning.

Without Power

First post of the day is a lot later than usual. We've been without power here until now.

Really seriously low this morning. Made some calls but people don't want to talk to me again. Fortunately Doug was in so that was a life saver. Heading off into Droitwich to help with some shopping in a bit.

Can't believe how down I am. Spent a large chunk of the morning tracing the veins in my forearms with my finger. Then I thought about how my mother would feel finding me in the bath with my wrists slashed and felt so guilty for even thinking it. I really wish I just hadn't woken up this morning.