I Am Pathetic

Wish I could understand how others manage. The slightest problem and I completely crumble. How am ever going to get and keep a job when the first sign of pressure has me curled into a ball in tears?

Even on my good days when I can function I have to be careful not to overdo things or I end up a wreck. Wish I could go to sleep and never have to wake up again.

What is the point of me being here? There is one person who cares and she would be far better off without me around dragging her down. The only purpose I serve is to waste space.

Married

Yep, you read that right, I'm getting married. I seriously never believed that anyone could put up with me for more than a few months at a time, but somehow here I am looking at spending the rest of my life with someone. Or at least for as long as she can stand me anyway.

Sleep

I've noticed that recently I'm beginning to sleep less and less. Either I can't nod off when I go to bed, or I wake at stupid a.m., or both. Not feeling so great today which is probably why I'm blogging right now. Feeling really negative about things and I have no idea what's caused it.

Upset

One of my best friends may be moving away from the area. Might not sound much of a big deal but it's someone I relied heavily on after my breakdown and the thought of not having him around is both upsetting and scary.

It's focused my mind on a couple of other people who I seem to have drifted away from in recent months. They too were complete stars during the worst time of my life but somehow I've allowed them to become almost strangers. Partly this is because I know they needed some space from me, and partly because I do kind of feel embarrassed about just how badly I fell apart back then.

The problem is that I'm completely socially incompetent. Almost bordering on Asbergers in fact. As a result I'm finding it very difficult to know how to go about talking to them about it. I've tried to arrange stuff with them but somehow it doesn't seem to happen and I don't want to push them in case they simply don't want me around anymore. For the first time in a while I'm wishing that people were still reading this because I coulod really use some advice about the situation.

Back Again

Yeah I'm still here. Until just a few days ago it was a close run thing though. But, bizarre as it seems, I now have someone who relies on me as much as I do her. Hard as it is for me to understand, I know it would probably destroy her if anything did happen to me. Frankly I'm mystified by what she sees in me. I'm a middle aged (that's being generous to myself), broken wreck of a man that's no use to anyone.

Hmm, didn't mean to start with this self pitying malarkey. I did intend to fill in a little of what's been happening over the last few weeks. But now it all seems like too much effort. I will end with some good news though, and special praise for our landlord. When it looked like we would have to move for financial reasons, the landlord asked us how much we'd like him to drop the rent to! Not having to move again has lifted a big weight from my shoulders. Thank you Mr Landlord, my faith in humanity is restored.

Lost

We lost the baby. Happened a couple of weeks ago. Coming to terms with it now. Money worries are biting. I feel like shit and it's making me physically ill again.