Depression Days

I Am Pathetic

2010-09-07T11:12:00.002+01:00

Wish I could understand how others manage. The slightest problem and I completely crumble. How am ever going to get and keep a job when the first sign of pressure has me curled into a ball in tears?

Even on my good days when I can function I have to be careful not to overdo things or I end up a wreck. Wish I could go to sleep and never have to wake up again.

2010-06-07T12:49:00.002+01:00

What is the point of me being here? There is one person who cares and she would be far better off without me around dragging her down. The only purpose I serve is to waste space.

Married

2009-11-04T13:51:00.002+01:00

Yep, you read that right, I'm getting married. I seriously never believed that anyone could put up with me for more than a few months at a time, but somehow here I am looking at spending the rest of my life with someone. Or at least for as long as she can stand me anyway.

Sleep

2009-10-21T06:42:00.002+01:00

I've noticed that recently I'm beginning to sleep less and less. Either I can't nod off when I go to bed, or I wake at stupid a.m., or both. Not feeling so great today which is probably why I'm blogging right now. Feeling really negative about things and I have no idea what's caused it.

Upset

2009-09-28T08:45:00.002+01:00

One of my best friends may be moving away from the area. Might not sound much of a big deal but it's someone I relied heavily on after my breakdown and the thought of not having him around is both upsetting and scary.

It's focused my mind on a couple of other people who I seem to have drifted away from in recent months. They too were complete stars during the worst time of my life but somehow I've allowed them to become almost strangers. Partly this is because I know they needed some space from me, and partly because I do kind of feel embarrassed about just how badly I fell apart back then.

The problem is that I'm completely socially incompetent. Almost bordering on Asbergers in fact. As a result I'm finding it very difficult to know how to go about talking to them about it. I've tried to arrange stuff with them but somehow it doesn't seem to happen and I don't want to push them in case they simply don't want me around anymore. For the first time in a while I'm wishing that people were still reading this because I coulod really use some advice about the situation.

Back Again

2009-09-03T17:40:00.002+01:00

Yeah I'm still here. Until just a few days ago it was a close run thing though. But, bizarre as it seems, I now have someone who relies on me as much as I do her. Hard as it is for me to understand, I know it would probably destroy her if anything did happen to me. Frankly I'm mystified by what she sees in me. I'm a middle aged (that's being generous to myself), broken wreck of a man that's no use to anyone.

Hmm, didn't mean to start with this self pitying malarkey. I did intend to fill in a little of what's been happening over the last few weeks. But now it all seems like too much effort. I will end with some good news though, and special praise for our landlord. When it looked like we would have to move for financial reasons, the landlord asked us how much we'd like him to drop the rent to! Not having to move again has lifted a big weight from my shoulders. Thank you Mr Landlord, my faith in humanity is restored.

Lost

2009-08-14T22:23:00.001+01:00

We lost the baby. Happened a couple of weeks ago. Coming to terms with it now. Money worries are biting. I feel like shit and it's making me physically ill again.

Paperwork

2009-07-14T16:16:00.002+01:00

I sometimes feel that Death slipped up on the paperwork and I got missed a few years ago. Things were never quite the same for me after I had the fit that caused the car accident. It often seems to me that I was supposed to have died that day (bizarrely I just typed 'die' instead of 'day'). I'm so lethargic most of the time. It's so hard to summon up enthusiasm for anything. Maybe I'm just marking time until Death catches his mistake and comes to make amends.

Pregnant

2009-07-11T09:20:00.001+01:00

I guess the title says it all. Providing all goes well, around mid February next year, I will be a father for the first time. I'll be 46 years old, an age where most of the people I went to school with are becoming grandparents. Ah well, just when you think life is over, another adventure comes along...

Yesterday

2009-06-27T14:24:00.002+01:00

Couple of days ago I was brought down to Earth with a crash after going through our finances. Nothing desperately bad, it was just a wake up call to realise how tight things really are for us. But, after several days of feeling normal, it was enough of a bump to plunge me back into black despair. Ended up spending most of yesterday in bed lacking the energy to function on any level.

Then in the evening, I threw a few clothes on and went walking in the rain. Somehow it did the trick. Why getting soaked to my skin (it was raining VERY heavily) should lift my mood the way it did, I really don't know. I've often found walking a help when I'm down. Today I've walked over 6 miles without any real problems. I do seem to be getting some level of fitness back and that can only be a good thing.

Back

2009-06-22T11:05:00.000+01:00

Not much been happening lately. Been up and down a bit. Just got back from a few days away in Wales. I love the place and to be able to share it with someone else is great. That'll do for now.

North

2009-06-04T10:16:00.001+01:00

Heading North for a couple of days. Let's hope the weather stays fine. First time I've been away really since the depression and I'm concerned about how well I'll cope if I take a turn for the worse. Taking the sleeping tabs just in case.

Better

2009-05-30T13:20:00.001+01:00

Better day today. Been out on the bike in the sun and enjoyed it. Now to stick a pizza in the oven and watch the cup final. And, of course, as a typical Brit, I'm backing the underdog. For the next few hours I'm an Everton fan.

Dunno

2009-05-29T13:26:00.001+01:00

Dunno what's happened today. Feeling worse than I have in quite a while. Tried to make myself leave the house earlier and reduced myself to a quivering wreck. All I want to do right now is lie down and cry myself to sleep. It's so hard. I promised my partner I wouldn't stay in today but now I don't know how to keep that promise.

Rotten

2009-05-19T18:14:00.002+01:00

Rotten day today. No doubt about it, since I stopped my meds the headaches have been getting worse and more frequent. Seems I have a choice between being suicidally depressed or the feeling that my brain is about to explode. Bugger.

Tired

2009-05-12T11:31:00.003+01:00

Thanks to the stupid police copter deciding to spend half the night seemingly hovering directly over our house, I have had very little sleep again. Once upon a time I would have slept right through it. These days, even when I do sleep, it doesn't seem to be as deep and refreshing as it used to be and is easily disturbed. Whinge over.

Alone

2009-05-11T11:58:00.002+01:00

Just lately I've been sliding back to feeling more and more alone during the day. Not sure why this should be so. After all, I have wonderful, loving company every evening; I should be able to cope on my own for a few hours.

I think a lot of it comes down to me turning in on myself again. As the old Ant reasserts himself so does that complete inability to ask for help when I need it. I'll have to watch that very carefully.

Unfortunately...

2009-05-09T11:40:00.000+01:00

...some days I still feel like killing myself.

More Bastards

2009-04-29T10:22:00.002+01:00

Last week we had someone attempt to break into the garage. Last night there was an attempt to steal my motorcycle. I've had a couple of motorcycles stolen in the past and it never really bothered me. Hell, I once got burgled and it was nothing but a minor inconvenience. But that was before my breakdown.

Nowadays the slightest thing knocks me down. Last nights little episode has really taken the wind out of my sails. I'm not functioning at all. Even switching the laptop on to write this was almost too much effort. It's pathetic that I can't cope with this trivial stuff anymore.

Colour

2009-04-27T10:31:00.001+01:00

GREEN

You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature.

Find out your color at QuizMeme.com!

Bastards

2009-04-24T20:57:00.000+01:00

Some bastard has tried to break into our garage. Didn't even manage to get in, just buggered up the door. Bastards.

Sleepless In Sutton

2009-04-24T02:35:00.002+01:00

Nothing much to say here. Glad these nights are so much less frequent than they used to be. Would take a sleeping pill but I doubt it'd help tonight. Just need to kill time and keep my mind off things.

People

2009-04-23T22:47:00.002+01:00

I used to find it difficult to talk to people. Especially to ask for help. Then I had a complete breakdown. Following that it felt like all my walls were demolished. I felt raw and exposed. But it also left me with nothing to lose and, for the first time in my life, I really opened up to people. And I found that I liked it.

As I've crawled along the slow road to recovery, those walls have gone back up. I find it difficult to talk to people again. Even the people that I leaned on most heavily. And I hate it. I want to get that feeling back, without the desperation and suicidal tendencies obviously. But I just don't know where it's gone. I'd hate to think that in order to recover I've got to return to the way I used to be. Because I really never liked that person much.

Relief

2009-04-18T13:49:00.001+01:00

Had a good few days so not much to say here at the moment. Been managing to find easy things to keep myself occupied with and now I'm going to put my feet up and relax for the rest of the day.

Bad Day At Alum Rock

2009-04-15T16:27:00.002+01:00

Misleading title but it amused me. I did have t journey down to Alum Rock today but the damage was done by a trip into Erdington to pick up a form. I'm finding large numbers of people harder and harder to be around. Some days I can't make myself leave the house. I've never liked crowded places but used to be able to cope. Nowadays I just crumble. Pathetic.

Difficult

2009-04-14T10:57:00.002+01:00

I often find it very difficult to write things that I really would like to here. I'm not particularly erudite or intelligent, and I have terrible communication skills. All of which makes it difficult for me to write what I would like in an intelligible, cohesive manner.

When I just needed the site to scream about what I was going through it wasn't a problem, I just let the pain out. Probably didn't read too well back then but it certainly helped me.

Now that the desire to just throw myself under a bus has faded significantly, I often find that I'd like to talk more about the details of depression. The problem is that I lack the skills to communicate the things in my head to others. Even if I can organise my thoughts beforehand, as soon as I begin writing it all turns into a jumble. I read other blogs with envy. Some people have a knack of making the most tedious trivia seem interesting.

So, basically, I guess this entry is a long, rambling apology for making long, rambling posts. Sorry folks.

Personality Test

2009-04-13T11:30:00.001+01:00

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|	18%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Narcissistic	\|\|	10%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Books

2009-04-13T11:20:00.002+01:00

Still in the process of moving stuff from West Brom at the moment. I knew I had a lot of books, but it wasn't until I began boxing them up that I began to understand just how many there were. I've had to be brutal and sling half in the direction of the local charity shop but even so I have no idea how I'm going to store what I want to keep.

Nightmare

2009-04-10T02:44:00.001+01:00

Had a nightmare earlier. Can't recall the details but the panicked awaking I had got the adrenaline pumping and I couldn't get back to sleep. Hopefully I wont be up too long.

Stuck

2009-04-08T16:29:00.002+01:00

The move went well. Now living in a decent 3 bedroom semi in Sutton Coldfield. Still loads to do but hopefully we're slowly getting on top of it all.

Somehow I've become stuck in the house today. I mean seriously unable to go out. Felt pretty down but just made myself some cheese on toast and feeling a bit better now. Really going to try and force myself out now. Wish me luck.

Strain

2009-03-25T16:32:00.002+01:00

Getting hard to cope. Headaches getting worse. Feeling lousy. We move on Friday. So much to do. Maybe if I didn't feel so ill I could cope better but as it is I want to hide under a rock. Keep worrying about the van we've hired for the move. I just can't see how it can be big enough to get everything in. Keep worrying about everything really. Once upon a time I would have dealt with this all without a problem. Now it feels as if the world is collapsing around my ears.

Stress

2009-03-17T17:47:00.002+01:00

Been a hectic weekend house hunting. Fortunately we seem to have found a decent place in Sutton Coldfield. Move date is set for the 27th, providing the last piece of the puzzle falls neatly into place (and there's no reason why it shouldn't).

Financially things are going to be ridiculously tight for a while. But I can cheerfully exist on a diet of beans on toast so I think we'll manage. The stress of it all is taking it's toll on both of us but we're coping. I'll be glad when it's all over and done with.

Oddly enough there's something a little scary about moving back to the West Midlands. I think that maybe being up here has felt a little like an escape from my problems, and now I'm moving back into the thick of things again. At least I'll have my friends around though and that's something I am looking forward to.

Lazy? Me?

2009-03-11T16:06:00.002+01:00

Wasn't sure how I felt when I got up this morning. But quickly got to grips with the day. The sun was shining which always helps. So from somewhere I found some motivation and got round to cleaning the bike. I'm pretty shocked by how much damage the winter road salt has done to it. Also I'm angry with myself for letting it get so bad.

But regardless, after a quick wash the urge was upon me to take it for a spin. So i did. And now for a lazy day playing Footy Manager I think.

Getting Hectic

2009-03-10T17:41:00.002+01:00

Spent this morning phoning estate agents. Lined up a few properties to look at over the weekend. Saturday is going to involve a hell of a lot of running around though.

Saw Watchmen yesterday. Must be confusing to anyone who never read the graphic novel (comic) but I was very impressed. About as good an adaptation as they could have made I reckon.

Understanding

2009-03-09T12:34:00.003+01:00

For the sake of my family I've been pretending that my depression has more or less passed. I can only pull this off because it's what they want to believe. The problem now is that they're beginning to put me under pressure to get back to work. I absolutely cannot deal with this. I feel badly enough about not bringing any money in and this added family pressure just makes me crumble. I am nowhere near capable of dealing with the kind of stress that goes with a job.

While I don't expect anyone that's never experienced depression to be able to understand it, I do wish I could get a little more patience from people. I'll be back at work when I know I can cope and not before. I wish I could understand why certain people won't accept that for an answer.

Who Watches...?

2009-03-09T10:34:00.002+01:00

Finally going to see Watchmen this afternoon. Yes I realise that everyone else has already seen it, but so what. Been waiting years for this movie and nothing is going to spoil the occasion for me, even if I'm not getting to see it at the Imax as originally planned.

Feeling pretty good at the moment, especially as Panama by Van Halen just came on the radio. Time to go do my chores I think.

stressful

2009-03-07T13:26:00.002+01:00

Stressful day today. The buyers for the house came around for another look. We'd had a leak in the bathroom a few days back and the repairs have left the the living room ceiling looking a little... untidy shall we say. Fortunately they didn't seem too bothered.

The time frame for the move is the end of this month and, for the first time, I'm starting to feel the stress of it getting to me. Just gonna switch off for the rest of the day I think and do nothing. Not that I do much anyway. Really hoping that this doesn't get worse.

Sleepless But Coping

2009-03-06T05:00:00.002+01:00

The insomnia issue I was having has largely gone away. I still have the occasional problem though. Like tonight, for example. 4am and my brain will not switch off. But at least it's just an inconvenience now rather than driving me insane as it used to.

The planned move back down to the West Midlands is still going ahead. Looking for a place around Birmingham and, although it is quite stressful, the adventure of it is helping to stop me going under. If things keep going as well as they are I may even get back to work this year. We'll see.

Blowing Away The Cobwebs

2009-03-02T23:18:00.002+01:00

Err...hi again.

Been a while but I thought I'd just drop by. In many ways it must be a good thing that I've not needed this blog. On the other hand sometimes I think it would be useful to get things off my chest occasionally.

So this is me rebooting this site. I'm still struggling but the black despair and pain are far less these days. Hopefully this will be less a cry of despair and more about what I'm up to, so here goes...

For the last few months I've been living with a wonderful woman called Michelle. Sadly, on the down side, I've had a bit of a bust up with my father. Seems that my depression did more damage to the family than I realised.

Currently we are selling the house and hopefully in the following weeks/months we'll be moving back to my home area. Feels a bit like a house of cards organising it all but we're coping well and eventually I'm sure it'll all work out. That's all for now I think. More soon.

Where did the time go?

2008-09-12T12:09:00.002+01:00

Well it's been a while since I last posted. Things are going pretty well for me for a change. Sleeping better, feeling more positive.

I'm also seeing a lady named Michelle from Oldham and that's taken up a fair bit of my time too.

I'll try and get back to blogging more regularly. But on the whole I think it's a good sign that I need this blog less and less.

Weekend

2008-08-25T01:27:00.002+01:00

Had a pleasant weekend visiting my mother. My brother and his wife were visiting too. Sunday I took him into Evesham on the bike. The weather was good enough for a barbecue which is always welcome. All in all I enjoyed myself.

Doing Stuff

2008-08-20T11:04:00.001+01:00

Still having problems motivating myself to do stuff. This morning I've managed to make myself go out and pay bills etc. Still need to get my car fixed though. Hopefully I should be able to face that soon.

Nothing

2008-08-10T17:19:00.001+01:00

Done nothing today. Stuff I need to do but can't do any of it. Everything feels like it's slipping out of control. Wish I could get a grip before I really start to slide but don't know how. Meh, probably be ok though.

And Back Again

2008-08-09T17:06:00.000+01:00

Home now. Had a really enjoyable time up in Oldham. Looks like I'll be heading back up there on Wednesday.

Oldham

2008-08-06T09:03:00.001+01:00

Off to Oldham for a couple of days. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Still Here

2008-08-03T14:07:00.001+01:00

Not been blogging much for the past few days. Partly because I've been pretty busy with stuff, but also because my head is a bit all over the place right now. That's all I really feel like saying right now.

Clent

2008-07-30T17:00:00.000+01:00

Been a better day today. Went for a walk/beer over the Clent hills with Dave. The weather was good and so was the company. Hopefully I'll get to go out tonight and keep the good feeling continuing.

Home

2008-07-28T13:28:00.001+01:00

Back home from a very enjoyable weekend away. Only been here by myself for an hour and already feeling the loneliness creep back.

Playing It By Ear

2008-07-27T00:52:00.002+01:00

Took a sleeping pill tonight. Not sure yet whether I'll be going home Tomorrow or Monday yet. Need a good night sleep tonight though whatever. G'night.

London

2008-07-26T02:45:00.002+01:00

Here I am in London. Had a good day today. Pisser is I'm completely unable to sleep again despie being utterly shattered. Should've taken a sleeping tab I guess but I really didn't expect to have a problem tonight.

Better

2008-07-25T00:42:00.002+01:00

Had a tough few days but feeling better today. Had a bit of a wobble earlier this evening but got through it ok and ended up enjoying myself.

Off to London for the weekend in the morning. Hopefully I can keep feeling positive and enjoy it.

Hindsight

2008-07-23T03:58:00.001+01:00

Really should've taken a sleeping pill tonight. Instead I've spent the evening chatting to people I don't know on the internet. Gonna go try sleep now.

All Of These Apply

2008-07-22T23:51:00.000+01:00

According to clinical-depression.co.uk:

-You feel miserable and sad.

-You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .

-You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.

-You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.

-You feel very anxious sometimes.

-You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.

-You find it difficult to think clearly.

-You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.

-You feel a burden to others.

-You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.

-You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.

-You feel irritable or angry more than usual.

-You feel you have no confidence.

-You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).

-You feel that life is unfair.

-You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.

-You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'

-You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

Running On Empty

2008-07-21T04:54:00.000+01:00

Finally run out of coping juice. Think I'll leave it at that for now.

Unsure

2008-07-20T23:11:00.002+01:00

Not totally sure how I am tonight. I feel agitated, a little knotted up, but nothing that I can't deal with at the moment. Dunno whether it's gonna cause me problems sleeping yet. Not taken a sleeping tab for a few days so I won't feel bad if I end up needing one.

This week may prove to be a tough challenge with Dave being away all week. At the moment I'm more than equal to it. Be interesting to see if I'm still coping after a couple of days on my own.

Still Coping

2008-07-20T17:06:00.000+01:00

Back from visiting my mothers. Good weekend all in all. I've struggled a bit today but not so much that I couldn't largely paper over the cracks. Really think I need to get out this evening though. Not sure tonight alone would do me any good.

Gosh

2008-07-19T09:38:00.001+01:00

Well now, what to make of this. Actually had something close to a proper nights sleep last night WITHOUT taking a sleeping pill. And I'm actually still feeling ok this morning. Doubtless it can't last but I intend to make the most of it while it does.

Success

2008-07-18T22:44:00.002+01:00

Successfully got through the day on my own without any major trauma. If I can keep this going into next week I can start looking at getting the car fixed again. I won't pretend life is a bunch of roses because it ain't. It's still a painful slog to get through the day. But at least today, despite everything, I've felt like there is a chance I can get through this.

Weekend

2008-07-18T12:49:00.003+01:00

Still coping pretty well today on the whole. Not sure what I'm gonna do tonight, but tomorrow I'm visiting my mother for the weekend.

Here We Are Again

2008-07-18T04:13:00.001+01:00

Wide awake at 4 a.m. wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do to get through this.

Mom goes into hosptal for radiotherapy today.

Nothing else to say for now.

Damn Blogger

2008-07-17T14:01:00.004+01:00

Damn Blogger for just wiping out my entire post. Ok lets try this again -

Big downs and littler downs today. Getting through with no help from anyone, proud of that. Watched a few episodes of The 4400. Just had a shower and shave. Next I'm off to the shops to buy some garden hose...just kidding, the car is still out of commission anyway. I know it angers people that I make jokes like that but it's just my way of dealing with stuff, sorry. Anyway, let's hope I can get my shopping in the bikes top box.

It does help to know that I'll be going out tonight to have some company. Would have certainly been harder if I'd not had any plans for later.

Bonediggers

2008-07-17T10:23:00.002+01:00

Coping pretty well so far. Just watched Bonediggers. Not the greatest TV ever but a passable time waster. As soon as it finished started to feel miserable again. Then I started concentrating on the fact that I'll be going out tonight and it helped. Fingers crossed I can keep it going through this afternoon too.

Black Night

2008-07-17T07:17:00.002+01:00

Black night, black morning. Gonna try hard not to bother anyone today. Err, that's all for now I think.

2008-07-17T01:33:00.002+01:00

I'm determined not to take a sleeping tab tonight. Despite the fact I can't sleep. I'm trying to keep them as a last resort. Only want to use them if I know I'm going to be a complete mess, then I can flake out instead of doing something stupid. Feeling a bit upset at the moment but nowhere near enough to frighten me, just enough to piss me off and stop me sleeping.

Just saw the time that Dave posted a comment on my last entry. Realised he still must be awake and nearly rang him. But I can't keep dragging everyone down with me. Just cos I'm having a shit night there's no use in spreading the misery.

On the plus side it means if any of you are ever having trouble sleeping feel free to give me a call. If I take a sleeping tab I'll have my phone off otherwise I'm already awake and miserable and the worst you can do is to make the night a little more bearable for me. It would help me to feel useful to someone too.

?

2008-07-16T23:18:00.002+01:00

Is it always going to be like this? Utter misery interspersed with the occasional periods of either feeling pretty good, feeling OK, or plastering a smile over the cracks?

Since I deleted my private notes I've noticed that I'm creeping back to opening up more in this one again. I definitely seem to need an outlet like this. But I'm going to have to be more careful about what I say without a doubt. Need to find a balance between needing to type whatever the hell is going through my mind at that moment, and consideration for how people might intepret that when they read it at a later date.

Hate

2008-07-16T11:48:00.000+01:00

Headache is bad today. Couldn't do anything even if I wanted to. I hate this.

Made Me Chuckle

2008-07-15T21:01:00.002+01:00

Meditation

2008-07-15T16:34:00.002+01:00

Had another appointment with my counsellor today. Interestingly we tried a little meditation towards the end of the session. The problem I have with meditation is that it helps, but only for as long as you meditate. A few minutes later you're back to square one. So I'm still suffering from afternoon/evening blues.

3 Hours

2008-07-15T10:07:00.001+01:00

Had about 3 hours sleep last night. Not too bad. A little tired but feeling ok. Still completely lacking any motivation to actually do anything though. I will get my car sorted out soon, but not today.

Hancock

2008-07-14T23:48:00.004+01:00

Went to see Hancock tonight. Thoroughly average movie.

Thanks to all concerned for helping me through today. I'm getting much better at smiling through it all. Really hope I can manage tonight without a sleeping tab.

One a.m

2008-07-14T01:06:00.002+01:00

Today has been a good day. Great ride out to Aberystwyth. Great weather and good company.

But of course my moods crashed rather badly tonight. Can't sleep at all. Don't want to take another sleeping tab after having one last night. Actually, sod it, gonna have one anyway. G'night.

To Wales Again

2008-07-12T19:27:00.002+01:00

Off to Wales on the bike tomorrow with a couple of mates. Been a rough few days for me. Think I'll take a sleeping tab tonight make sure I don't get tired while I'm out.

Getting it together

2008-07-09T23:41:00.001+01:00

Pulled myself together this evening. Getting back on top of the car problem. Can't do much with it until Friday though. Tomorrow I have to go visit my mother as it's her birthday. With no car I'll have to take the bike whatever the weather. Fortunately it doesn't look like its going to be too bad.

Car Trouble

2008-07-09T09:55:00.002+01:00

Sigh. So much for repairing the car. The part I need is no longer manufactured. My Haynes manual is completely inadequate. Serious communication problems with the Vauxhall dealership. And I'm clearly too thick to figure it all out. Right now I just feel like torching it. Unreasonable I know considering what a superbly reliable motor it's been up to this point. If my thinking was clearer maybe I could sort it all out. But it isn't and I can't. Right now I can't even think about it any more.

Bastard

2008-07-09T00:03:00.002+01:00

Bastard, bastard, bastard. Car broke down tonight. Pissed on my plans for tomorrow. Now instead of meeting up with my brother I've got to spend the day getting my car sorted. Bastard.

Discharged

2008-07-08T12:07:00.004+01:00

Went to see the neurologist today about the headaches. Basically they are out of treatment options. The only other drugs they can try (anti epileptics) aren't likely to do much good and they can't give to me anyway because they cause depression.

Just went and indulged in a little retail therapy to try to cheer myself up. Didn't work. Did make me realise that I hadn't spent any money on myself for ages.

Knackered

2008-07-07T08:22:00.001+01:00

Feeling completely exhausted this morning. Today I'm just gonna laze around and maybe watch more episodes of Dexter.

Sleeping Pills

2008-07-04T23:50:00.000+01:00

Because I had to sleep earlier due to the headache, I've been lying awake in bed. So time to hit the sleeping tabs. I don't think taking a total of 2 in a fortnight is unreasonable. Just need to leave it half an hour to kick in now.

Headache

2008-07-04T17:53:00.001+01:00

Today was spoiled by headache getting really bad. Just had a couple of hours sleep and its eased off a bit now. Apart from that had a pretty good day.

Stronger

2008-07-04T08:28:00.001+01:00

Definitely getting stronger. I won't pretend it's not hard, but today I feel in control. Really hope I can keep this going.

Hmm...

2008-07-03T12:15:00.002+01:00

...been 4 days since the last entry. Been reading a lot and watching Dexter. Gonna force myself to go out tonight. Tomorrow I'm at the quacks first thing then off to Avoncroft museum for the day. That's the plan so far anyway.

Not really sure how I'm doing. Getting better at plastering a smile over the cracks I think. Right now I've hit the afternoon blues when I've run out of stuff to do and have no one to talk to.

Getting Better?

2008-06-30T07:59:00.002+01:00

Had a good day on Sunday. Started to get very nervey in the evening though. Ended up taking a sleeping pill when I went to bed. Worked briliantly got around 7 hours sleep.

This morning I'm going to laze around and read, maybe get some more sleep. Not sure how I feel today though. If the weather looks ok im gonna force myself to take the bike out again I think.

Waste Away

2008-06-29T02:45:00.001+01:00

Some people are like gravy
Spilled on God's Sunday shirt
Some people are always getting better
Some people just get worse
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long until they waste away
Waste away now
Some people think they're dangerous
Well maybe just to little boys
some people always reaching for the sky
As if they had a choice
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Waste away now
And I want to know
And I don't want to hear them cry
So I gotta go man I gotta go
I gotta go now
Some people think they're lucky
Like they thought of heaven first
Some people been holdin' back their love so long
I think they're 'bout to burst
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Waste away now
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Some people only waste so long before they waste away
Waste away now
Waste away
Waste away now
WASTE AWAY

Meh

2008-06-28T17:58:00.000+01:00

Sinking this evening. Meh, I'll be fine.

Still Employed!

2008-06-28T13:27:00.002+01:00

Just phoned my old boss and friend Ian to let him know my situation. Incredibly he's kept my job open fr me even though it's meant him working 15 hour days. He has said that if things get much worse then they will have to bring in a replacement, but it is astonishing to me that they've kept it available for me for so long. But it's something to aim for and it's given me a real boost.

Not Bad

2008-06-28T11:50:00.001+01:00

Feeling ok so far today. Brain still feels a little too sludgelike to really motivate myself to do much though. That's fine too as long as I don't start to get bored and down. Read quite a bit this morning. There's a couple of little projects I can start on if I do start to slide. The question at the moment is how will I feel this evening if all I've done is slouch around all day.

Change Of Plans

2008-06-27T12:26:00.002+01:00

Caught sight of myself in the mirror today. Decided a shave and haircut were more important than throwing books out. So that's what I've done. Still plenty of time to sort through my books if I find myself starting to mope though. Right now I'm going to jump in the shower again.

No ones talking to me on Facebook :(

Doing Stuff

2008-06-27T10:36:00.002+01:00

Forcing myself to do stuff today. If I'm honest all I really want to do is curl up and cry all day. So far this morning I've had breakfast, surfed the web for advice on teaching a cat to use a catflap (ours is terrified of it), and taken the bike out for a short blast while the sun was shining.

Frankly it was just upsetting to be out on the bike and to discover I wasn't really enjoying it. Also I got really down because I felt I had nowhere to go, no one to see.

Going to read for a bit now. Later I'm going to sort out some books for the charity shop and then I see my counsellor at 4 this afternoon.

Not Too Bad

2008-06-26T23:17:00.002+01:00

Had a pretty good morning today. Went to the pub with my brother in the afternoon but started to sink a bit. Largely due to tiredness I think. Went to sleep afterwards then had a little weep.

Made myself go out this evening. Couldn't bear to have another night on my own. Had to leave early because i was getting edgy but did genuinely enjoy myself. I need to keep pushing myself like that. It shows me that perhaps I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.

Feeling utterly spent now. Could easily lie down and cry my heart out. Won't do it though. I need to get used to doing things on my own again. There have been and will be again times when the people that I rely on won't be able to be there for me. I have to find a way to cope at those times. And I think I see the first signs that I'm beginning to manage it.

yay

2008-06-26T05:50:00.004+01:00

one hours sleep again tonight. ah well. could be worse. accentuate the positive. yay i got an hours sleep. much better than no sleep at all. hmm, not sure i'm convincing anyone.

Little Holiday

2008-06-25T14:33:00.000+01:00

Just got back from an improptu holiday. Didn't enjoy it much. Very glad to be home.

Quiet

2008-06-21T19:50:00.001+01:00

Quiet day today. Read a lot. Running out of reading material now. One novel left. Going to carry on with this for now, just without the self pitying whining.

Today...

2008-06-20T06:18:00.001+01:00

...is going to be tough. Seriously thinking about giving this blog up. I'm already holding stuff back anyway. When I was in bits after seeing the shrink yesterday I started loads of entries and then deleted them in case they upset anyone. And that's just one example.

If I've stopped being honest about what I'm going through I may as well not bother. It's been hard letting people see what I've been going through. While it's helped me at the time I feel like it's done more harm than good. I feel like it's scared people away a little.

Might start another elsewhere and keep it private this time.

blah

2008-06-20T02:25:00.001+01:00

still awake blah blah blah. blah fed up blah. its a shame for me blah blah blah etc...

wish

2008-06-19T22:10:00.002+01:00

wish i was dead. big deal, whats new.

tried this evening, really tried, just to manage alone. and i can do it easy. just curl up on my bed and wait. easy. ive been doing it most of my life. but whats the point.

How much do shrinks get paid, how long do they have to train for? How can they talk for half an hour just to prescribe some pills and tell you, what boils down to, pull yourself together cos no one else gives a toss?

for the record, the shrink is increasing my dosage of Fluoxetine to the maximium. Also giving me Zopiclone to help me sleep. Won't give me more than 2 weeks supply though. probably wise move at the moment.

yep just googled it. 2 weeks aint enough for a fatal dose. its not like i plan on going that way anyway. easy to see how one bad night could tempt you to take the lot on the spur of the moment though.

meh enough pointless ramble. i'll still be here tomorrow.

8th

2008-06-19T20:02:00.000+01:00

this is about the 8th post ive written. the first one i didnt delete since seeing the shrink. just so you know.

Panic

2008-06-19T13:10:00.002+01:00

Panic is setting in. Don't know why. Had a nap and now I'm dreading the visit to the shrink. It's a 20 minute walk to get there and I know I'm going to be a wreck by then. I know I have to go but...
I don't know. Can I really face seeing him in such a state? I could drive but I'm not really supposed to with my hand yet.

Trying very hard to pull myself together for this. It's only a 20 min walk. I've done it twice today already. Shouldn't be a problem. Ok just gonna have a little lie down to try to calm myself and try some breathing exercises.

Back

2008-06-19T09:29:00.000+01:00

Back from the hospital. Grr. Why on earth did they give me an appointment for 8 in the morning when they didn't even begin seeing patients until 8.25?

Still, the good news is that the op was a much better success than my previous one. My finger is properly straightened now. The stitches come out next Wednesday. Just going to put my feet up and read for a while now. Then back to the hospital this afternoon to see the shrink.

more sleep

2008-06-19T06:34:00.001+01:00

did get a little more sleep. time to get up now and go to the hospital. ironicaaly because i have to get up now i feel like i want to go back to bed and sleep. typical.

ignore

2008-06-19T02:32:00.002+01:00

ignore that last pos. had an hour slee p now. feeling much netter. still very tired but no longer so overwrought. tink i can get another hour before i have to get up soon anyway. heh the difference one hour sleep can make